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When my SO does something that hurts me, do I sometimes say I forgive them, but keep pulling up the grievances in my memory or in my conversation?
Carrying around a hurt is like carrying around a hot coal - the longer I carry it, the more it hurts. I don't have to forgive my partner for anything, even if they plead with me to do so. Nor do I have to forget when I forgive. Forgiveness is something I do first for me. I can't turn back the clock and undo the original hurt, but I can stop my SO's original choice from causing me even more pain.
If it would help me if my partner made amends, then I need to give careful thought to what I want those amends to be. Amends aren't chances to "even the score"; they are ways of repairing the damage. If I were lied to, having my SO tell me the whole truth would help. If I felt they were insensitive to my feelings, having them give their full attention to my feelings now could ease my pain.
Just
for Today
If I keep causing myself pain over
something my SO did, I'm treating myself worse than the
original hurt.
Today I'll decide what amends my
partner can make to help me let go of hurt
feelings I may have, and let them know - if they choose
to listen. I'll let go of my need for them to
apologize or do what I ask, and leave their choices in their
hands. Whether or not they choose to make amends,
I'll do what I need to let go of the hurt over time,
knowing that forgiveness is something that I do for me.
A wise man will make haste to forgive, because he knows the full value of time and will not suffer it to pass away in unnecessary pain. - Rambler
@Copyright Bernd Hansen - Contents may be downloaded or copied for personal non-commercial use.