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Loneliness (to isis) -
trish
isis, loneliness has been the most mis-understood
emotion i have experienced in my life (and i feel as
though i've been alone all of my life until this last
week). lonely without someone, lonelier with someone. you
know the loneliness when living under the same roof and
sleeping in the same bed. this was going to be another
one of those long journeys from my life, but after
reading "to light your way home" by shadowdove,
i will just cut to the chase (is that an expression).
i responded so urgently to your first posting because
i could see a young woman starting on a crash course way
of life, due to choices, made by 'what is familiar' to
us, and if you haven't realized it yet, out of habit.
why, because that's all we know (if i'm off, just
ignore). again, i'm talking about me.
i moved here 8 years ago (i had every intention
tonight to write why and about my first 5 years here).i
have no family here (my 3 children are my only family and
they are adults living up north), and only 1 real friend
who is very busy with her young active children (she lost
her husband in early august). anyway, my feelings for
tonight. for the first 5 years here, i was on that dog
gone, this path, that path. a short lived disruptive
relationship due to loneliness. the relationship lasted
less than 2 years and ended up with a 5 year restraining
order against him. BUT, i didn't let it go on as in the
past. i had to give myself credit on saying no more when
i did.
FINALLY, in 1994, i quit a very good paying job with
full benefits, because, this is true, all of the
infidelity running rampant within the office. they were
all married, i was single and the only celibate one (also
was in a high position). i have mortgage payments,
vehicle payments, and 5 animals that i love dearly. THEN,
my father who had always been an absent father (this is
another writing) who had totally disappeared from our
lives 18 years before his death, appears at my brothers
house up north.i was not exactly in a position to take a
trip. then i get a call, my brother says dad is dead.
whoa pony. i won't go into it now, but you and i , i'm
pretty sure will relate on that story. i realized so
much, i couldn't believe it. awareness enveloped me. the
man i thought was going to ride up one day and save me
from myself was gone. all my life, i just knew that one
day my daddy would save me one day. ok, well i'm out of
work for 2 months, no money coming in, had just enough in
the bank to get through 1 month, had no doubt i'd have
another job by then. during that 2 months, isis, i was
TOTALLY alone. everyone i knew, the ones i had given such
a big part of myself to, stayed away. they didn't know
how to handle it i guess. but that was good, because this
is what happened.
i said, OK GOD, IT'S MY TURN TO LISTEN, I AM NOW READY
TO LISTEN, ONLY YOU KNOW WHAT I NEED, I CERTAINLY DON'T.
I AM NOW READY TO LISTEN. i made the commitment to the
one that has always loved me, that always listened to me,
picked me up every dang time i fell on my face. didn't
chastise me for all the wrong turns. HE WAS WAITING FOR
ME WITH OPEN ARMS. i did get a job, one in my field
(another story there) and i started my new journey. i
began to be selective on who i let in my life, i have
learned to give in a new way, to give without expecting
kindness, understanding or what ever. i give out of love
as always, but with a different attitude. I STARTED
LOVING ME AND ACCEPTING THAT GOD WANTED ME TO HAVE PEACE
AND HAPPINESS. (before, it was as though i wasn't suppose
to be 'happy'). i'm learning so much and could go on and
on. a male friend of mine in a troubled marriage asked me
about 2 weeks ago, trish if you ever get married again,
what are you looking for. i said first he has to be a
christian, second we have to be best friends. however
everyone that knows me (i'm asked out all the time),
knows i'm not looking. isis, it's hard. my emptiness
comes from lack of 'friendship'. this forum, honestly,
and now you has filled that emptiness. like i said, the
beginning of a new journey. love and blessings to you my
kindred spirit and everyone on this forum.
 From: Isis
Trish, You always seem to touch that part of me that I
try so desperately to keep locked up. Thank you. You have
also been a Godsent for me :)
From: trish
my heart got heavy around noon today, you must
enlighten me. are you doing ok? i'v shared alot of grief,
it's time for a little joy.
my 3 children. i must have done something right during
this roller coaster, because my 3 kids, are the kindest,
loving beings i know. before i start, my kids were
'protected' from all the garbage with the second husband.
he was a different person around my kids, he wanted them
to like him. ALSO knew, that was the only weak spot in my
life. meaning i damn well would have reacted and blown
his cover..
my children have been my only real focus in life,
first to give them everything i didn't get. and dang it i
don't mean stuff. i mean the real stuff, love, security,
self esteem, etc. etc. always talked to my kids, always
allowed questions and answered them. taught them to
respect themselves and to always love others and to never
judge. their dad is one of the best dads in the world and
they have a very close bond with him. i have a very close
bond with my kids. my oldest, my son, attended our state
university, then joined the navy, was stationed 6 hours
from where i live now, that was very nice. my middle,
daughter will graduate this december after 5.5 years
college, to be a teacher for the hard to teach children.
my "baby" is a little trish (without the
disfunction of course). she is wiser than her years. my
baby and i have long conversations, by the way she is
self supporting, got herself a cool sports car, and lives
on her own (well her big brother is now living with her,
got some troubles of his own right now). well as moms do
i could go on and on. just wanted to share a little joy.
i asked my baby not too long ago if i ever yelled at
them, she said (pause), no but when we were doing
something we shouldn't, the 'tone' in your voice changed.
so, my dear isis, what does this say? i love you dear
child, and i am feeling a burden for some reason.
From: Isis
Trish, I would love to share some joy, but I too have
a heavy heart. I am unsure of the reasons why...but it is
an almost constant thing. I do not have any children of
my own, I have just moved to New Mexico from Colorado (my
home)...I know no one other than my SO. I am extremely
stressed from my job and trying to work on my new
relationship with my SO ****pulling hair out*****!!! But,
I am still trying day by day to make the best out of what
I have. Hmm... let's see what are the good points in my
life? I AM living with my SO (a wonderful, caring man), I
got away from a very abusive relationship almost a year
ago. Had I NOT done that I don't think that I would be
here now. I am a very self-supporting woman...on my way
to building my own home :) I have a good job...stressful,
but good. I have a good friend (I hope you don't mind
that term) in you. :)
From: trish
i am honored you consider me your good friend, better
than you know, because, as i've said, i feel a kindred
spirit between us. . my burden had your name on it. i am
just fine now that i have heard from you.
first, another one of those 'things'. for 2 days now,
i didn't know how to say it but the thought kept flowing
through my mind. i was going to ask you if there was any
plans to move. thought about it all day yesterday and
today. i feel a sense of relief,i have feelings,but don't
know how to put them into words. to be sure i'm on the
right page, you are away from the family aren't you? if
so, that's how i started my own self awareness. my family
kept me consumed. also, i am relieved there are no
children at this time. so much responsibility kept me so
busy, i had no time to 'find' me, and you know the rest..
also, you want to get to that comfortable place in your
life, your acceptance and forgiveness to yourself first,
the rest happens after that. moving so much and getting
to know different people and their 'ways' made me realize
i had just been born into a situation that i had no
control of. a caring SO, good, good. stress, what's that?
the day to day BS and stress just makes us fine tune our
coping skills. everyday is something else to test our
patience, so don't pull too hard on your hair, you'll be
bald before sunup.
i'll stop for now, because i'll just keep on talking.
something feels good, isis. i am so happy you are on a
new journey. (and i thank our dear lord right now, for
you being safe and away from the abuser, you will, if you
haven't already, meet someone along one of your journeys
that you will have the right words to help her/him to get
out of one of those situations, you will have the
experience to recognize it). don't think i'm crazy, but
i'm thrilled about your move.
From: trish
woke up this morning with thoughts of laughter
twirling through my mind.
i didn't realize until after my third child what true
laughter was. (my third child was conceived after 1 year
without sex with my husband, i gave in one night to 'give
him some relief') i was devasted when i realized i was
pregnant. doctor said that i would miscarry due to the
iud i had had for the last year, OR that i had passed the
iud without knowing. i knew i had not passed it. then he
said, gently i might add (i was sitting there crying my
eyes out), you do have other choices. went home, husband
was on 3-11 shift, other 2 children in bed, i cried to
god, thoughts of abortion flowing through my mind. (at
this point in my life, my inner turmoil had my thoughts
thinking i would just take my 2 children, and divorce
this wonderful man so he could find someone worthy of his
love). i sat there crying then the impossible happened,
the baby fluttered, to the best of my recollection, i was
only 6 weeks pregnant, well no decision to be made now,
god just made it for me.
fast forward to about 3 years later. all 3 of my
children were just the sweetest, best natured children
parents could have (i had divorced their father by now).
this 3rd child, a girl, my baby, could laugh and fill an
entire room with joy. that's when i became aware of how
other children reacted to laughter, it was beautiful. it
started to teach me the healing affects of laughter.
young and old.
have you ever started across the road at a traffic
light and slipped and fell, and everyone around is going,
oh my, and all we can feel is embarrasment, well, i
started laughing at myself. slowly, i started laughing at
myself each time i fall, (what a wonderful effect it has
on people around us too). it was a habit i had to instill
in my life, then after awhile, it became part of me. it's
part of my life now, and it is also wonderful for those
around us, cause when i do something (mess up at work, or
say the wrong thing, or whatever) i just say, dahhh,
trish, and smile.
when my children were younger, i read everybook by
"Erma Bombeck", one of her books is "IF
LIFE IS A BOWL OF CHERRIES WHAT AM I DOING IN THE
PITS?". OH, i didn't miscarry, and i hadn't passed
the iud, it somehow pushed through my uterus into my
abdomen, and no way should i have carried this baby full
term.
From: Isis
Yes, I did move from my family. A very hard move to
make for me, but I am doing it. Ironic thing though....My
step-father, the one I have been trying to get away from
for so long moved to New Mexico, which is where I am now.
I had no idea that's where he moved to....I get sick just
thinking of possibly running into him.
Children, no I don't have any. Was pregnant a while
ago (when I was 16) mom made me have an abortion or get
kicked out of her house. Alot of the time I feel a great
void because I don't have her (I just think it was a her,
not real sure though), but I have been filling that void
for the love of children that I have by doing
photography. (I have been a portrait photographer for 7
years) And that is where I hear that laughter that you
speak of....such innocence~ it's beautiful! I have no
intentions on having children ever...I do love them, I
just have this theory that if you don't take care of your
own issues that it will just follow through to your
children....and I don't think I will ever resolve all my
problems. (Huh, there's a suprise....I'm babbling again,
sorry) Anyway, I should get going. But I did want to say
that I am very happy for you....knowing how to laugh is
one of God's great gifts, cherish it.
From: trish
Next time you look through the lens, SEE a beautiful,
innocent, young isis sitting there smiling at you. Look
at beautiful little isis at how innocent and helpless she
is . Then when you get home, go somewhere where you can
be completely alone, and take your arms and wrap them
around yourself, and say "isis, i am so sorry, i am
so sorry you had to go through all of that, i'm sorry i
couldn't have spared you from all that". Keep saying
the words, " isis there was nothing you could have
done to stop what was happening". Speak, as though
you were holding that young, innocent isis child in your
arms. FORGIVE YOURSELF, these are confusing words now,
but you will understand them in "time".
Everytime you look at an innocent young child, put
yourself in their face looking up to you for guidance.
Start being the 'mom' to yourself, that you so
desperately needed and still need. One day at a time.
AFTER, this happens, and only you will know, i can
promise you, that you will be able to "walk right up
to your step-father, and anyone else that has hurt you,
or disappointed you, or let you down in one way or
another, and say 'how ya doing'. And, i promise you that
you will be praying that each and everyone one of them
find the peace within them to stop their destructive
paths, and find love for themselves.
One more thing, for this and everyday of our life. We
must learn to stop taking other peoples actions
"PERSONAL". (that has always been my real
struggle through this life).
God or Your Higher Power, has a wonderful 'plan' for
you. What you are going through is 'the learning and
growing' that is part of life. Think about this, if you
were not filled with the great love and compassion that
is your core, do you think you would be going through all
of the mental turmoil? YOU ARE SPECIAL DEAR ONE, AND YOU
ARE LEARNING, AS A CHILD. And honey, we are ALL still
learning. Some of us just have more years behind us.
Going to change gears, read the postings on this
forum. Loving, caring people looking for truth and what
is real. Looking for guidance in this crazy, mixed up
world. WE are a special people, we love, and in search of
others that love and care. We don't grow until we
experience, with each new experience, it is up to us what
we learn from it. Again, we have a wonderful family here.
From: Isis
Trish, Thank you (again). You have been such a great
help to me....just knowing that I can talk (type) to you
and know that I will not be judged is such a relief...so
thank you again! You are right this is a wonderful place
to be....So thanks to all the rest of you as well!
In response to your *hugging advice* I will try~ but
it really is a struggle to begin to see that child in me.
I have had to be the adult, in many cases, throughout my
whole life and it's a very hard thing to put myself in
such a vulnerable position...but I promise that I will
try :) (Honestly, I'm a bit afraid....just reading it
from you made me cry, I guess I'm afraid of what I'll do
if it's me I have to listen to). Hoping for the best...
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