 Pregnant at 17...what do I do
now? - Abby
I just found out that I'm pregnant...I don't know what
to do. I'm in an extremely committed relationship with a
guy who's 20 but I'm only 17. I just don't know how to
deal with this...I've always been labeled as a "good
girl".you know...I get very good grades, have a
wonderful family, and have(had...) everything going for
me in life. My boyfriend and I have been seeing each
other for nearly a year and have actually been talking
about getting married after I finish college. We're very
much in love and yes of course wanted children...but not
NOW. My parents have no idea that we're even sleeping
together. I'm a Christian and abortion is simply not an
option for me. Neither is adoption...I could never give
my child to someone else. The main thing I have a problem
with right now is thinking about how OTHER people are
going to react to this...my boyfriend knows and is
extremely supportive. I'm planning on still going to
college and getting my degree. I'm just upset because I
never planned on this...we have big dreams in life and I
feel as if this is ruining them. If anyone has gone
through this...or has any words of encouragement or
advice I would appreciate it very much. thanks...
 From: mzet
I am not an expert on this by any stretch of the
imagination, but you have already ruled out abortion and
adoption, so you have in essence chosen the road of
confronting the reality of having to establish a family
early in your life, earlier than you wanted, but that in
and of itself is not negative. in fact, given your
circumstance, it is probably, in my opinion, the
healthiest option for you, your boyfriend and especially,
for your future baby.
talk to your parents. he should talk to his parents
too. that's what I would have done. I am sure they will
be shocked and upset, but the longer you wait, the worse
it will become. I am sure that they will understand, over
time, that your choice is the best one given the
circumstance.
you say you are a Christian. stay close to Jesus and
his mother, in your heart, your mind and your actions.
they had to start a family under perhaps uncomfortable
circumstances too. but they succeeded. you can too. hang
in there and take care. remember that these are just my
guesses. you have a tough road ahead. particularly
regarding your financial situation. it will be difficult.
your prior plans may need to be adjusted as you go along.
From: della
Hi Abby, You must be feeling pretty terrified right
now. If you have already decided to keep your baby the
rest will just come. I was pregnant when I was 17 and
kept my baby. I'm 35 now so my daughter is 17. Like you,
I was really scared to tell my parents. My mom surprised
me (I thought she would disown me) and was so very
supportive. She new the decision was mine to make as to
what I was going to do. Abortion, adoption or keep my
baby. My whole family was very supportive. I thought my
brothers would be embarrassed about me or think me to be
this awful person but they didn't. They were excited.
I decided I was going to give her up for adoption but
I had the choice to wait for 2 months while she was kept
in a foster home. That's what I did. During that time I
went back to high school and found I just couldn't relate
to my friends anymore. I had had a baby and boy did I
grow up fast. During that time period I did a lot of soul
searching and came to the decision that I wanted to keep
her. My family was there for me and I knew I would have
help. I finished my high school a year late but I did
finish. I never did go to college or anything but always
had employment. As I said Angi is 17 now. I wouldn't have
done anything different (except have furthered my
education) I have never been sorry for my decision. She
was a beautiful, happy baby and is growing into a
beautiful young woman.
Being single and having a child wasn't easy by any
means but parenthood isn't easy for anybody. There always
seems to be a challenge. Follow your dreams. Your dreams
may not have included a baby quite yet but you CAN do
anything you want even with a baby. There's always a way.
Go to college. Don't give those things up. It's wonderful
that your boyfriend is supportive of you. Your not in
this alone and there are a lot of people who care about
you.
Don't be afraid to talk to your parents. It might be a
shock at first and they will be worried for you but they
love you. If you decide at some point during your
pregnancy to give your baby up for adoption remember that
that is also a very responsible decision and not a cop
out. If you feel that circumstances will not allow you to
give your baby a good home with the love and attention it
deserves, giving he/she up would be the hardest thing you
would ever have to do (I know I tried) but also one of
the most loving gifts you could ever give.
Have courage Abby and don't be afraid. This is not an
impossible situation to deal with. It is a challenge that
God has given you. Accept this challenge as a gift. A
gift that will allow you to see parts of yourself you
have never seen. Courage, strength, character, these
words will all take on new meanings for you and your
boyfriend. And love, you will never love anything quite
like you love your baby. I wish you the best Abby.
From: Josie
Hi Abby: I am so sorry that you are feeling so down
about being pregnant. I myself have four kids and my
first baby was born when I was 18. Although I was,
married, it was only a couple of months into the marriage
and we certainly did not plan to have children yet!! I
too was a "good, catholic girl", good grades
etc, etc. I was 'lucky' in a way I did not get pregnant
before that because I was having sex with my very
committed boyfriend and if I had become pregnant my
family would have been horrified, so I definitely can
sympathize with the way you feel. Listen, I also missed
out at the time, on completing my career as I too believe
abortion is wrong. I am a midwife now and I can just
sense that although the baby is not planned you will be
O.K. You are in a good, supportive relationship and yes,
your parents ARE going to freak. It will be difficult
telling people and you will need to do a great deal of
adjusting BUT after the initial storm fades, I bet your
parents will calm down if they are anything like all the
parents of very young girls I have looked after. I am
sure that they will want to support you and once that
little baby is in your arms you will feel so much love
and a wish to protect your child that nothing else will
matter as much as it seems to matter now.
Can you get some counseling to help you adjust to your
situation? How far into the pregnancy are you? I dare say
that you are in the very early stages. This in itself can
make you feel tired, emotional and unable to assess the
situation without panicking because the hormones of early
pregnancy can make you feel decidedly "yuck"!
Take heart if you are feeling like this, the stage passes
after the 12th week when you start to feel much more
'human' again... Also where you live makes a difference
concerning other people's attitudes and for the financial
side of things. I, myself live in England but being
Spanish I know that the country you live in can play a
big role on the way that being an unmarried or a single
parent can be viewed by society at large. I know that
having a baby is a major financial situation but you CAN
cope! Little things such as breast feeding can save loads
in baby milk expense, washable diapers are much cheaper
and better than disposables for the environment and
second hand shops were (and still are) brilliant for
finding baby "stuff" for me. All this might
sound patronizing to some people but it is not meant to
be.
I just want you to know that you CAN do it if that is
what you want, Abby. My babies were often dressed in a
mixture of lovely clothes given as 'pressies' from
friends and family and second hand clothes. Baby things
get grown out of so quickly that most tiny clothes are
virtually new!!. Even now that my husband and I are OK
financially I still buy lots of things from charity
stores. (If anybody comments on this I always say I am
helping a good cause by doing it!!) Your baby won't need
fancy cots, walkers etc, but it will need lots of love
from you. I can sense that you are a caring, sensitive
young woman and that once you are past the huge shock
stage that usually accompanies an unplanned pregnancy at
such a young age will be fine. You might think I have
been over optimistic- but honestly-I have seen the
situation so many times and in almost every case the
initially angry parents completely dote on their
grandchildren once they can hold that little bundle of
human life in their arms. My children now are 17, 15, 11
and the baby is nearly one year old. I love my children
to bits and despite my worries when I was so young and
usual difficulties in bringing kids up I would not be
without them for the world!! My worries about not having
a career were unfounded too as I went back to study when
the second baby started nursery and now, still young I
feel it's real fun chatting with the oldest girls as a
friend as well as a mum.
Yes, having a baby will change your life and is bloody
hard work at times, but the pleasure of having a child
and the good times, in my opinion make it all absolutely
worth it. Please, please you must get the hurdle of
telling your parents 'over and done with'. Prepare
yourself for the storm and then wait for the calm.
Perhaps telling the parent you are closer with first,
might be easier for you. Also getting your other half to
be there with you might or might not help, that is
something you must decide together. Other girls have been
know to write a letter and then wait a while for the
parents to contact them back once they've had time to
cool down a bit or use the telephone for the initial
"bombshell". You can explain how very difficult
this is for you to have to tell them, how much you and
your partner love each other and how much you love them
and understand that they might be angry. Don't forget,
nobody is perfect, not even your parents. Do write back
if you want Abby. I will be thinking of you. If you have
any questions about pregnancy or whatever that I can help
you with I will be only to pleased to help you. Take
care. Lots of love and hugs.
From: concerned
not speaking from experience only the wisdom of a more
than a few years on you so here goes: speaking as a
mother, I realize you didn't plan on this but now that
you are about to become a mother you should know that it
will be the toughest yet most rewarding career you will
ever have. You are very fortunate to have your boyfriend
by your side, the chances are better that you would face
this alone. You say you are a Christian and you sound as
if you are mature.....what my advice would be is to face
this head on with everyone and decide that this child's
life is now more important than your own. You are not the
first "good girl" that this has happened to. My
grandmother was a "good girl" at age 17 and my
good grandfather of 21 married her and they had a long,
happy life together. (this all began in 1918!) and I
would not be here share this with you had things not
happened the way they did.
I'm not saying what you are going through is the way
it should be, just that you must go on for the child's
sake and determine that in this new "job" you
have been '"given" to be the best parents of
this creation that you can be.........but most important
know you love each other for that child's sake. Now, go
face life... talk with your minister first or someone
else you are comfortable with to gain the courage you
feel you need to face everyone. And remember that God is
beside both of you every step of the way. My prayers and
thoughts are with you......go be a great mom.
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