 Dealing with guilt - della
Many of you know my story. Rather than going into a
detailed description I'm going to jump right into my
present situation. For two years I have struggled with
wanting to feel at ease in my relationship with my SO. I
struggled with guilt of not loving him enough (as much as
he needed), not being there for him when he needed me
(which I know I wasn't) etc. He started talking about
marriage and I was honest with him when I told him that I
was no where near that point in our relationship. I felt
like I was cheating him out of something because I wasn't
having the same feelings as him. I didn't want him to
move next door to me let alone marry him. The other night
I ended our relationship. I knew the commitment wasn't
there on my part and I was being dishonest with him by
staying with him. I spoke to him last night (2 days after
our initial conversation). I knew that he would be
hurting really bad.
He wanted an explanation so I told him pretty much
what I have told you. He told me he was ready to curl up
into a little ball and die and that if he slit his wrists
my name would be all over it. He would make sure people
knew why he did it. I don't know how to deal with this. I
know I have made the right decision for me and I still
feel I have done the honest thing. I have no intentions
on trying to patch things up. Even if I wanted to that
wouldn't be possible. He went on to say that he probably
never would find the courage to have another relationship
and I was responsible for that too. I stayed with him for
so long because I wanted it to work. I felt like I had to
keep trying because if I could admire this man, and
respect him and he is such a wonderful person there
should be no reason not to love him enough to make a life
with him but something just didn't connect.
Was it so very wrong for me to keep trying? So very
wrong for ending it? Now I'm faced with these things he
has said and he won't let me help him. Of course he
despises the very ground I walk on and he thinks I did
this to him intentionally to screw him up. I'm feeling
pretty awful and don't know if any one out there can even
help me deal with this but thanks for lending an ear.
Perhaps I deserve the things he said and I know I will
live with this for a long time. Maybe I am the useless,
cold hearted bitch he says I am.
 From: Bernd
You are not a cold, heartless anything. You are a
human being, trying your best to learn - as we all are -
what life and love are really all about.
I suspect that, at an intuitive level, you sensed that
your boyfriend would react this strongly, this angrily,
and this dependently. If so, it makes sense that you
tried hard to find some way of making the relationship
work. From your posting, you’ve also been honest in
saying that your decision to leave was taken after
careful thought, and that you didn’t feel the kind
of connection you know is an essential foundation of a
lasting relationship.
What he is doing is blackmail, holding himself as the
ransom. I suspect he learned that as a coping mechanism
in his childhood - and when trauma hits us, we usually
call in the past lessons that seem as if they have the
best chance of getting us what we want. In his case, he
seems to want either/or, in order to find some way thru
his pain: either he gets you back, or makes you suffer as
much as he can.
When someone is intent on trying to drown their pain
by taking the next train to hell, I can refuse to buy a
ticket on the same train. “Do what’s best for
you” is the most loving response I can give them -
and myself. I let them know what I’m willing to do,
and what I’m not willing to do. That’s all the
control I have - my own choices. I’m willing to
talk, and listen, if they’re really interested in
working thru the situation to find true peace somewhere
down the line. I’m not interested in being a dumping
ground, or target practice. Neither of those leads to
peace - for either of us.
One last note: if someone is used to using destructive
ways of handling their pain, it takes a big leap of faith
on their part to try a new way of handling things. It
usually takes a fair amount of time, and consistent but
gentle reminders from us that we refuse to co-operate
with unhealthy ways of dealing with the situation, but
are ever willing at any time to explore healthy efforts
at resolutions. The best measure we have of what’s
healthy for someone else, is keeping our focus on what
feels healthy for us. Those are my thoughts and guesses.
Good luck. I know it’s tough.
From: della
Thanks Bernd, He told me up front from the beginning
that he was very sensitive with a lot of baggage and he
hadn't even tried to have a relationship in 7 years. His
ex wife was physically and mentally abusive but he chose
to stay with her (till death do us part) until he almost
lost it. I'm afraid now. He called me at work and said he
would like to speak to my girls (if he gets through this)
because they should know the truth. I have always been
honest with my children and they know I have hurt him and
I have not really tried to defend myself except in saying
that something was missing in me to want to carry on. I
may talk too much to them, I don't know but we have
always been upfront about things that happen in our
lives. I know the girls don't want to be stuck in a room
with him having to defend me. They have already said that
much to me. I have no intention of putting them through
that.
Of course they are going to support my decision, they
have seen what we went through. He wanted me to sit down
with him so he could explain to me the ways in which he
felt I was setting bad examples for my daughters. There
were many things he thought should be brought to my
attention. I'm not willing to do this. He said he also
had more questions for me. He is incapable of
understanding at this point any answers I might try to
give him and from experience I know he will turn them
into what he wants to believe anyway. I am terrified of
sitting down with him again. He told me on the phone that
he spent his night with a bottle of rye and the suicide
center. I want to help him but as you said I'm not
willing to be a dumping ground.
From: Bernd
Keep refusing to be drawn into any battle, or tug of
war. This is a painful - but very intense period - for
you to practice listening to your gut feelings, and
taking your best shots at following them. That's the only
way anyone becomes better at following their soul - thru
practice. It may help you in difficult moments to remind
yourself "God, you brought this man into my life to
help me learn some very valuable things. Give me the
wisdom and the patience to accept where my soul is trying
to guide me, as best I can today". And let yourself
be VERY imperfect. That's the learning process.
Hang in there. You'll get thru this. Remember the
optimistic little girl who said "with all this
horseshit, there's gotta be a pony in there
somewhere!":)
From: wolfie (kim)
Dearest Della, Bless your heart - I admire your
courage And your strength. Firstly, I need to apologize
for something. I think at one point, I thought you were
someone else - PD - and I think I responded to you at
some point thinking you were that person. In other words,
I confused you with someone else. My apologies.
Second of all, BLESS YOUR HEART!!!!!!!!!
Congratulations on your strength and on your courage. I
admire you. It sounds to me that you looked within and
received your truth and did what you needed to do for
you, with love. Della, please believe me when I say - you
are not responsible for his feelings and for his life.
Look at it this way: not everyone would react the way he
is reacting. Some person would actually say - well I love
you enough to let you go - I trust that you need to do
what you need to do - I love you and respect you always.
I thank you for your honesty. That person would take
complete responsibility for his life and all that he has
created. I am just saying this because it has helped me
before - reminding myself that I am NOT responsible for
others lives - only for my own life. Because I have a
tendency to blame myself for everything - everyone's
pain, everyone's everything - I blame myself for
everything. And that kind of energy is destructive to
myself. I need to gently remind myself that I am doing
what I need to do for me - and I am doing it with love.
The rest is out of my hands. Others are responsible for
their lives.
Apparently, right now, you have drawn this into your
life so you can be free of it. In other words, what he is
doing right now is challenging all of your deep issues.
He is allowing all of these fears about yourself to come
up. Recognize them, see them, feel them, and then release
them.
YOU ARE OK and YOU ARE EXACTLY WHERE YOU NEED to BE.
Oh this is such a wonderful turning point for you Della -
it truly is! I know that all you feel is pain so it is
hard to see it - but boy can I see it - you are releasing
so many patterns - you are setting yourself free from so
many fears that bind you. You are listening to your inner
voice and DOING what you need to do for You, with Love.
THAT is STRENGTH - that is Confidence. That is a woman
who loves herself enough to LET GO and walk Away from
something that is no longer needed in her life.
God Della, you have come so FAR - I can see it - I
really can and I admire your strength!!!!!! Just keep
affirming, I am beautiful, I am loving, I am a Gift, I am
precious, I am LOVE!!!!!! You truly ARE Della and you are
evolving so beautifully!!!!!
The only thing you can do for your partner at this
time - because I know how that feels - is to just pray
for him. Envision that he has his higher self (or higher
power) right in front of him, or above him (whatever you
prefer) and that he takes his higher power's hand - and
his Higher Power leads him and shows him the way. You can
send him healing Love light and energy. This is what you
can do for him - you need not do more. Just by you doing
the highest Choice for YOU, IS also the Highest Choice
for him (it is the loving choice for all concerned!) He
may not see it right now but maybe some day (his choice)
he will. Let it go. It is not your responsibility.
Oh and Della - believe you me - I am reading my own
words here for myself.
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