 Feeling like a fool - Texan
Not sure how to start this, so here goes...I'm a
divorced, 33, male, who had met the woman of his dreams.
We were both still married when we met, but my wife had
already moved on, her husband didn't know anything about
me. She got to the point where she left him and moved in
with me, but after only a week or two, went back him. We
stayed in touch still, and several weeks later, she moved
back a second time. This time we rented a house (neutral)
and settled in for what I thought was going to be a
wonderful life together. Well...you guessed it, she went
back to him again. Now my life is upsidedown, except for
the fact that I have a wonderful friend (lady too) who
has pulled me thru this both times. I have heard love
will find you when you least expect it, and maybe this is
what's happening. The two relationships are vastly
different, but I find myself having feelings for my
friend, and not knowing how to express them. Not really
looking for advice...maybe just someone to say I am not a
complete idiot. Helps to write it down that's for sure.
 From: della
Just wanted you to know that there is someone here who
can really relate. I went through almost the same thing.
I was so sure I had met my soulmate. He too, left his
wife (I was divorced) and the first time he moved in with
a friend. He moved back with his wife and I just kind of
viewed that as a small set back. Then after awhile he
left her again and we moved into a house together. After
a short time he went into to a depression, he started
drinking a lot and felt really guilty about being with
me. He moved back with his wife about 2 months later. I
met my SO shortly after and he stood by me though
everything. I worked with the other guy and everyday I
had to be around him. (He was my boss) He pleaded with me
to wait for him, that he was going to leave his wife
again and we would be together forever. EVERYDAY I spent
HOURS listening to him. There was no way I could go back
to him. My SO knew this was going on and was my support
through the whole thing. Always asking if I needed space.
He did leave his wife again and as far as I know is still
single. I have heard from him several times, the last
time was several months ago and I asked him to quit
calling me. I still feel a little bad for being so blunt
but I really felt I needed him to leave me alone.
Two years ago he was everything I wanted in a man and
I would be lying if I said he didn't creep into my mind
quite often and I find myself wondering "what
if". A very wise person told me once that we attract
different people into our lives for specific reasons
although they may be hidden to us at first. My SO and I
have no where even close to that "perfect"
relationship but I am growing as a person because he is
in my life. I think every relationship offers us a gift
(even the ones that hurt us) and whether we chose to see
it and accept it or not is always our choice. I'm really
rambling here. Can't offer any advice but wanted you to
know I can relate.
From: Claudia
Hi Della, Your insight as to what we receive from
being in relationship with others is on the mark. Whether
our relationships are male/female... female/female...
male/male... child/adult... whatever... we are given the
opportunity to know more about ourselves!!!!
No relationship is ever "perfect", I am
finding, not even the ones that I at first believe are
"perfect" :) but, the imperfect ones (all of
them) are my learning ground. Thank you for offering
words of encouragement to hurting souls!
From: Bernd
You’re not an idiot Tex. But I suspect you have a
lot of experience beating yourself up, and maybe this is
one of the things that relationship can help you see more
clearly. The more we beat ourselves up, the more we need
“love” to act as salve or our wounds, and the
easier it becomes for us to miss seeing what’s
really going on in a relationship. A starving man is not
a good food critic.
Another thing you discovered is that a relationship
built on dishonesty (her having an affair) has quicksand
as a foundation. Dishonesty and love are like oil and
water. We’ve been there - four times, so if you
think YOU’RE a slow learner, just take a look at US!
I’d invite you to check out the #coda meetings on
IRC (the Codependency Chat page is listed on our
Relationship Resources page). It’s a great place to
sound off your guesses and feelings (and confusion) over
any relationship you’ve been in, or am hoping to get
involved in. People there are very supportive and caring,
and it really helps to know you’re not alone in
trying to chart your way across the difficult seas of
love. Take care, and good luck.
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