 VT to RT 'cyber love' - Barry
Dear Bernd, Lynda, Mzet, friends... I've been
separated from my wife and 13 month son since October
last year... in December I ran away to the States to meet
a young 18 year old woman I'd been having a cyber
relationship with for 2 months prior to our separation...
for one reason or another (my state of mind for one) and
unresolved relationship/emotional issues it was a huge
mistake... a valuable lesson but a 'mistake' none the
less... an expensive one at that! *grin*
I've had a number of one night stands and I'm
currently seeing a close GF (also a friend of my ex's) on
and off... a purely sexual relationship more based on
mutual needs I guess... we are both totally 'honest' with
each other concerning other relationships... she's
currently seeing another guy... though she hasn't told
him about the two of us... (not that there is much to
talk about? *L*)
about 3 weeks ago I met a very special woman 28yo who
also lives in the States... we connected in a chat room
on a number of different levels, sexual, emotional,
intellectual, sense of humor... recently we started
calling each other... she sounds really really 'nice'...
is very family orientated, very loving, a little shy,
musical (plays the violin), manages a printing outlet, is
dedicated to her work, etc, etc... we have a lot of
common interests, we talk easily (mutual attraction on
the vocal chords)... basically we've as much as admitted
(without having met) that we have 'strong' feelings for
one another....
I feel very differently about this relationship than
my previous 'whatever'... more balanced, more to offer,
stronger, more confident, more loving... a whole mess of
'mores' including 'moorish' (pardon the pun *G*)... I'm
planning to fly over in October for 4 weeks... also
planning my trip properly this time, places I'd like to
see etc... also planning to fly up to Anchorage to visit
her parents... I felt a strong urge to meet them both,
especially as her relationship with them is so important
to her and as she is taking her entire allotment of
yearly holidays (vacation?) to spend with me... I've been
entirely 'honest' with her, I've told her everything...
all my secrets... the nasty ones... the good ones... you
name it... it feels so liberating! I half expected her to
bolt once she read or heard some of my sordid past but
quite the opposite... she's greatly impressed by it? I
feel like I could tell her anything and would not be
judged for it... she's said she hates judgmental small
minded people??? it's very weird...
we're both looking forward to meeting one another
greatly... I'm going into with open eyes and realize it
may not work out n' all... we both harbour fears of that
happening btw... we've talked about the 'what ifs' and
she has an opportunity to transfer here in Australia as
the company she works for is expanding in this neck of
the woods over the next 12 months... I guess I'm
wondering what advice you might offer... most of my
friends and family think I've 'gone fishin'!!! *L* they
can't believe I'd waste a couple of thousand dollars to
fly from one end of the world to the other just to 'meet'
someone I've never met!
one of the issues that concerns both of us is that
she's had very little 'life' experience and after her
last long-term relationship (outta college) she feels
that her experiences pale in comparison to mine... I've
told her I understand her concerns and that I'd like to
build on her experiences together... she has some fears
about 'men' and commitment (from her previous rel) and
has expressed her desire for a serious 'long-term'
relationship, children, etc... I honestly hope things
'click' for 'us' as I feel I could be easily and happily
spend the rest of my days with this charming young
woman.. (for the record I'm 31 *G*)
just thought I'd bounce all this offa ya's... not
really problems just concerns... oh and Bernd... that
lil' voice inside me is saying... " this woman
together with a lil' hard work and you'll be a very happy
chappy!!"
 From: Bernd
Hi Barry! Your posting sounds a LOT more positive. It
seems as if you are focusing more on exploring YOUR life,
rather than trying to figure out what is happening with
your ex, and that feels healthy.
There were a few thoughts that came to mind. First, a
cyber relationship lets us manage our
distancing/closeness fears a lot easier than a real life
relationship. When each of you turn off your computers,
you have YOURSELVES back 100%. Be aware that both of you
are likely to feel some pretty powerful fears of wanting
to flee once you get together, when you least expect it.
Because your trip will be limited to 4 weeks, it will be
a lot easier to suppress such feelings, because the
"exit door" is already in place (your return to
Australia). Also, the real issues we are all dealing with
usually don't surface until after the
"honeymoon" stage. I've seen long-distance
cyber relationships that ended up in solid real life
marriages, and I've also seen others that ended up with
one of the partners feeling very hurt and betrayed when
the other person comes up with reason after reason (many
of which seem to "make sense") for delaying
going on to the next stage (such as moving to be closer).
If you can go into this relationship and remind yourself
that, whatever happens, you will LEARN from it and be
grateful for the experience, then you'll have a lot
better chance of coming out the other end with an intact
heart.
3 weeks doesn't sound like a lot. The successful cyber
relationships I've seen developed over the course of
several months or over a year. There is also a big
difference in the amount of relationship experience
you've both had, as you're already aware of. I suspect
this woman is used to "playing it safe" by not
taking the risks necessary in trying out real life
relationships. My guess is that she is extra sensitive to
any signs of danger, so even tho in her mind she accepts
your past, at a deeper level I suspect her radar is going
to go into full gear once your relationship changes to
real life. If this happens, being aware of it will help
you LET her have her confusing reactions, without you
blaming yourself or wondering what the hell you did
"wrong".
When you mentioned " this woman together with a
lil' hard work and you'll be a very happy chappy!!",
I think that is absolutely true - except for the
"lil" part! I believe ANY woman that you truly
commit to can help you find your way to happiness,
whether she has an equal commitment herself. If you
accept the gift of the "mirror" she gives you,
that mirror will help you tremendously in your own
healing, which is an essential part of becoming happier.
That gift can enhance your life whether she stays with
you a day, a week, a month, a year, or for the rest of
your life.
My reading is that your paths have crossed for a
reason. As long as you let that reason be revealed to you
with time, instead of trying to leap to conclusions about
"why" you've both entered each other's life,
then you'll remain open to the gifts this relationship
has to offer you, and your example will help her find the
gifts waiting for her as well.
Two thousand dollars is a lot of money, but it also
isn't a lot of money. We spend that amount and more
easily on new cars or furniture. How many of us look to
our new furniture with fond memories, and see it as a
part of our spiritual growth? You worked for it, and only
you can decide how to use it in ways that give you the
most value. All any of us can do is give our choices our
best guess, and best shot. Those are my thoughts. I look
forward to seeing what this relationship, and the coming
days bring you.
From: Susan
Barry, Do it....... life is a risk everyday ! I agree
wholeheartedly with Bernd (for once!!!! LOL). But let me
add one thing.... sometimes, for some of us, a
relationship started VT is best. It kind of pulls that
"in your face" feeling out of it. Sometimes we
are shy about face-to-face approaches and this is a good
way to actually get a chance to talk, and get to KNOW
someone (if all parties are being HONEST.. we are talking
about normal people here!!). It also takes a some of the
physical attraction out of the equation, and lets you
actually become attracted to the person - not the body!!!
Hope it is your wildest dream come true !!! Luck and
love, buddy !!!
From: mzet
one of the things I have asked myself during this
period of my life is why I have always been dependent on
other women to bring out of me what I should have been
bringing out of me myself. in other words, why do I need
other women to make me feel ok.
my reading of your emotional and sexual history since
two months prior to your separation leads me to perhaps
suggest that that question needs to be asked, and though
the answers may not come out easily, it is that struggle
and effort to try to answer which has made me a better
human being. though I live a day at a time, though I have
had the urge to date other women lately, I have tried to
avoid jumping into relationship modes that may rob me of
that process of self discovery.
there is a Spanish saying that states that a nail
takes out another nail. I have lived that saying all too
vividly, yes, a nail takes another one out, but the new
one remains a nail nevertheless. I am not saying don't do
it. I am saying make sure you don't repeat the patterns
that have lead you before. only you can be your own judge
in determining where you are along the road self
knowledge. take care. have fun!
From: Barry
dear Bernd and Mzet... kinda feel a bonding 'thang'
happening between us... suddenly got this warm fuzzy
feeling rising up inside!!!... *smiling profusely* the
payoffs are starting to become self-evident... the truly
beautiful aspect is that 'my' personal growth affects not
only myself... but my son, my family, friends,
co-workers... in ways i could never have comprehended...
your's and others advice/comments, knowledge, pain,
joy and happiness... so freely shared here amongst 'our'
traveller's society... have and continue to reaffirm my
'love' of human experience and emotion... a 'love' of
life... thanks!!! hugs all round... we all deserve 'em!!!
*grin* p.s. i will keep in touch to be shure.. to be
shure!! *L*
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