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 Trashy father-in-law - k
I've been married for two months, and am finding out
that I really, really can't stand my father-in-law. I
always knew we had little in common, and always knew that
might turn into a problem, but now that I HAVE to spend
more time with him, I can barely keep up even the
appearance of tolerating him. He drinks way too much, (to
the point where he has put my mother-in-law into
tremendous debt), he won't keep a job, and he has
absolutely no social graces. He sees nothing wrong with
making blatant sexual innuendoes about me and my husband
in front of other people, he constantly puts my husband
down (actually, he is my husband's stepfather..) , and
last night, when I invited him to my home for dinner, he
openly insulted me, my cooking, and my ethnic heritage at
the table (repeatedly, mind you. The idiot wouldn't shut
up when others tried to change the subject.) And this
just scratches the surface of what a trashy pig the guy
is. The problem is, no one in his family will stand up to
him. They just say "oh, you know Dad, those
rough-and-tough military types, he thinks he's being
funny" and other lame excuses, whenever he does
something to embarrass them, which is pretty much all the
time. It's beginning to cause some friction between me
and my husband, because I'm becoming less and less able
to hide my contempt for the man.
 From: Bernd
It's unlikely your FIL (father-in-law) will change.
You mentioned "...but now that I HAVE to spend more
time with him.". Unless you are being physically
coerced into spending time with him, you DO have the
choice of not spending ANY time with him. That said, I
realize you probably see such a choice as a huge risk.
What is making such a choice alienates your partner,
ending up in him leaving?
There are no sure bets in anything in life. My guess
is that a real solution is only going to appear when you
accept that this is in truth YOUR problem, not your
husband's, or his dad's. That doesn't mean that the FIL's
behavior is acceptable at all, or that your husband's
tolerance of it is okay either. It simply means that the
you are person ultimately responsible for your happiness
and serenity.
You have the right to choose NOT to be in the same
house or room as your FIL. You don't need to convince
others your reasoning is sound. You also have the power
to leave the room or the house whenever you choose, and
use that time away in ways that are good for you. You
have the right to refuse to listen to condemnation of
such choices, from your husband or anyone else. You might
be asking the question: "why should I leave my own
house?". If it's jointly owned, your husband has the
right to invite guests there. Battling over that is
likely to increase your frustration, rather than ease it.
I'm also concerned about your husband's lack of
support. If your husband isn't willing to take your
concerns seriously, and work on solutions both of you are
comfortable with, things are likely to get worse with
time, not better. No person deserves to live in fear of
inappropriate sexual advances from a regular guest -
whether those advances are implied or overt. Do whatever
you need to take care of YOU, and try to get outside
insight to help you deal with this difficult situation.
You may discover with time that your husband is just as
frustrated with his dad's behavior as you, but afraid to
stand up and say so. Don't belittle him for holding such
fears if so; they've likely been imprinted in him for
many years. Standing up to a parent is a huge risk for
many people, because of the risk of being abandoned by
them (yes, even as an adult). It can set off a panic
inside that few things compare to. His parents have had a
lot of practice figuring out where all of his buttons
are, and can lay a devastating shame and guilt trip on
him if he ever decides to stand up to them.
Do what you need to remove yourself from these painful
encounters, and try to reach out for as much help and
support as you can (such as a marriage counsellor) to
help you find long-lasting solutions, and to help give
you the best chance of getting your husband as an ally,
instead of an accomplice. Good luck.
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