 An effort to come back - mzet
I feel we are crossing a threshold. You can read the
sob story up to now in prior postings.
Two important things took place. For the first time my
wife explained what she is afraid of in re-establishing a
relationship with me: that she doesn't want to go back to
how things used to be. I gathered that she felt lost in
my will. That we had one will but that it was mine. I
don't want that to happen again either!!!! Any new
relationship has got to be founded on a new way of
relating that preserves rather than melts us into one
another. I guess she's scared of that. And I am too. How
can we succeed? I have faith we can, but there a re no
easy answers.
I pressed for more clarity: In what ways have you
changed that you are afraid of not being able to preserve
what you now have? She came up with
"spontaneity". That she is able to be
spontaneous with others but not with me. Somehow I guess
I am so bad that I zap her of her feeling of being alive.
I keep thinking: is that really my fault? I try to remind
her that happiness and joy are our own and should not
depend on the outside triggers so much. At least that's
what I've learned this past eight months. I also
suggested that perhaps by developing a mutual circle of
friends again, that she may be able to get those triggers
even if I am around. Or that perhaps she needs to develop
ways of relating to others that do not threaten the
stability of our relationship so that those triggers are
available anyway. Or that perhaps, maybe perhaps, I am
really not that bad, that we did use to have fun with one
another (or why else would we have gotten
married)...Anyway, no easy answers unless we BOTH take
risks. And are we willing? I know we can. I know. But she
is so very tentative right now.
The second thing that happen was that for the first
time she invited me, albeit with a lot of reservation and
only because she felt like she was treating me like shit,
to skate with her and her friends. She has NEVER done
that since she started skating seriously a year ago, I
guess partly because the guy she had her first affair
with was a skater, and partly because she didn't want me
in that world of hers, of fun, spontaneity, etc. It was
too intimate to share (like sex is now). I don't know,
who knows.
That went well. We haven't talked about it, but I had
a good time. I tried to not be too overbearing. I hope
that if it didn't go well for her that she gives me a few
more tries. Bernd and Lynda, any thoughts now that my
wife is starting to open up a little? How can I offer her
a space where she feels alive, spontaneous? Is that
possible? What does she have to do? I know I ask this a
lot, but how was it in the beginning of your re-start?
 From: Bernd
I know (know all too well) how difficult it is not to
give suggestions to Lynda, but I had to run up against
her brick walls enough times to finally realize that my
suggestions were actually making things harder for both
of us, unless she freely invited them (and even then, I
had a tendency to give her the barn when all she asked
for was a piece of straw).
Your wife is capable of finding her own answers, and
deciding when she wants input from others. My guess is
that she hasn't had a lot of EXPERIENCE finding healthy
sources of input, and she can only really learn to do so
by deciding to do so. Every suggestion you make uninvited
takes care of this responsibility for her. I know silence
is damn hard, but if it were easy, it wouldn't have taken
ME so long to learn its value. That's been my experience,
and a very painful process at times.
You mentioned "I keep thinking: is that really my
fault?" I read the couples stories on the Recovering
Couples Anonymous site, and one of the men in those
stories mentioned his addiction to "thinking".
That's what I have - I relied on my brain for so long as
my #1 pain killer (if I figure out a maze, maybe I can
find a way thru it) that I still don't know when I'm
taking that drug. That's why acceptance and simplifying
to me have been so important. I can't be spontaneous and
deep in thought at the same time. Don't work. I've
"played" very little in my life, and even now,
it terrifies me. There's a part of me that is scared I'll
be called childish, crazy, irresponsible, etc., etc.
That's one of the deepest things I'm trying to let go of
now. I have to heal that, I have to let my little boy
out, or I'm gonna stay numb and in my head for most of my
life - and it ain't a pleasant place to live!
My depression has been trying to hand me a clue phone
about that for many years. Your wife gave you a real
gift, by opening up this mirror to you. And my guess is
that smoke is pouring out of your brain right now trying
to figure out how to "be more spontaneous".:)
Where does that guess come from? These white hairs on my
head aren't the same colour as ashes by coincidence!
Figuring that out is about as easy as singing someone a
song by writing a graph of all the audio waves on a wall.
Spontaneity comes from the child within, and the child is
more in touch with our inner voice than my adult is. But
my child has been in constant struggle over who to trust
- the adult occupying the same body, or the inner voice.
Once I quiet down my mind, and let myself BE a child, his
magic starts taking over.
Now, even tho your wife has given you this gift, what
she said of you is also true of her, in my opinion. She
has the same difficulty with spontaneity, except her
struggle shows itself in different ways. Her affairs gave
some pretty good clues that her inner child needs an
OUTSIDE adult's permission to come out. It will be very
tempting to become her new "outside" adult, but
unless it's HER adult that gives her child such
permission, the inner child will never feel safe
expressing herself. Chances are she'll thank you at
first, but resent the power she has handed you as time
goes by.
When I risk letting my children (yes, children, there
are a bunch inside) out, if it feels foolish, it is
healthy!:) If I get giddy, or feel shamed, I know there's
some important clues. Now, the acceptance I've been
trying to practice is ESSENTIAL here. When I hand things
over to God, the insights come - without me needing to
think a lot! The less I need to think, the more safety I
create for my inner children, and the more they naturally
test the waters and venture out to play. Lynda's seen my
little boy's face on me more and more lately. That's all
the feedback I need to hear, to reinforce the new
feelings and fun I'm finding myself. I need those
children for my healing, as much as vice versa. Without
their magic, I'm stuck on top of Mount Smoky.:)
P.S. Awkward is an understatement in describing
Lynda's and mine first steps to rebuild. More like
teetering on the edge - for close to 3 years. But wee
didn't have a relationship support group to field our
struggles with. We're hoping this forum can help all of
us find healthy shortcuts. I believe love does offer that
promise, when we share our journeys and struggles with
each other.
From: mzet
I think we are at that stage where she opens up a
little and I try to ram a truck through! I have been
patient (kind of) for so many months that it is so
difficult to exercise silence. I did it this week. A
whole week of not initiating heavy discussions, not
initiating a touch, not suggesting a time to go out, etc.
She finally opened up a little. And you are right, it is
soooo hard to only give a straw when you want to give a
barn!!!
You wrote something that made my day again: that my
wife needs an adult's permission to be spontaneous and
that I should be cautions of the temptation to become
that adult and that instead, if we want our relationship
to succeed, it needs to be her adult giving her child
permission. (Can I tell her that?) :)
I really haven't forced myself to be spontaneous,
though I have known for a long time that that is what she
liked in her lover. To force myself into becoming what I
am not is just too artificial. She has told me that she
hates in me what first attracted her to me, and I have
answered that if I would have been the spontaneous type,
she would hate spontaneity and would be looking for the
introspective-stable type. Women!
I mean, and it's not as if I am a total bore, for
crying out loud! It's just that she "feels"
that I zap her of her spontaneity! Anyway. I'll be
patient and I'll try to find the shortcuts. Maybe I
should say that actually what the forum gives me is the
ability to identify the shortcuts that we all know to
well are dead ends. The long road is the short road.
Thanks. Take care. Peace.
From: Bernd
You mentioned "To force myself into becoming what
I am not is just too artificial." I agree, buttttt,
maybe your NATURAL being is spontaneous by nature, and
thru childhood you learned that being safe meant
suppressing that part of you? If so, then
"artificial" is maybe what you are going FROM,
not "to". Armor doesn't have the same magic as
soft skin, and it weighs us down, and prevents true
closeness with our natural selves.
Just a few thoughts that came to mind. Hey, wanna PLAY
with those trucks sometime??????:)
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