 Lost in guilt and control -
Barry
Dear Bernd... it's been a while huh? i still pop in
from time to time to keep up to date... but anywayze...
on the 14th of July our son turns one... my estranged
partner (EP) doesn't want me around for his birthday
party, only her family and our friends are invited...
none of my family? she suggested that i could do
something for our son's birthday the weekend prior,
offering to bring him down (a 3hr drive), but i din't
feel comfortable with her telling me when i could and
could not celebrate his birthday? instead i'm going up
the night before and having him on his actual birthday (a
work day), she's taking him away for a holiday afterwards
for two weeks (even though she's not working??)... so i
won't see him again for another three weeks *sigh*
my problem is i'm still getting cut up when my EP
calls me usually onlly for money or to make sure i'm
coming up on weekends.. eg.. last time she called to ask
if i'd sent this months Child Support, i could hear our
son crying in the background... i asked her what was
wrong and she replied that he had a cold... a cold
because she didn't have a car and had to take him out in
the cold... i responded by saying her was i supposed to
buy her a car now as well? her repsonse was something
like "no! that's what i get for marrying a
bastard!!" after i thanked her for reminding me of
my heritage.. i said i'd send her a cheque on Monday (i
normally send a cheque at the end of every month).. then
she she hit me with i didn't care about our son, that it
was obvious he wasn't a priority, etc, etc, etc...
because i was shifting this weekend and wouldn't be
coming up to see him????? i just don't know what to say
any more... nothing i do or say improves our situation??
i've talked to her about it... she says she needs to hang
on to all her anger and pain so she doesn't get sick or
break down (and therefore won't be ablr to take care of
our son?)... i've said that it's not helping her, or our
son being the 'way' she is... it's been nearly eight
months since we seperated... she's said previously that
she can't stand to be in the same room as me, that she
doesn't love me anymore, that she hopes i suffer for the
rest of my life, that i've ruined her life, that all she
want's to do is find somebody new and start a new life
but she can't because "i'm holding her
back!"... she's also told a girlfriend that she
wants me out of her life completely? (yet she gives me a
hard time about money and seeing my son???)
she doesn't want to have any counselling... her folks
don't talk to me or want to have anything to do with
me... i'm just very tired of the whole situation... i
keep hoping things will improve for our son's sake but
she keeps making it worse and worse... to quote my
marriage counsellor... "it's a lose-lose
situation"... i really feel like giving up but my
son is there and i love him dearly.. his love is
unconditional and we always have lots of fun together...
i couldn't imagine not seeing him... even if it is only
on weekends...
i've being going out and 'trying' to meet/make new
friends... but my feelings for my EP always come flooding
back... *sigh* whether it's a song i hear or a film or
seeing another couple with their baby/s... it all still
hurts worse than hell!!.. i've done a lot of crying...
even crying in public which is something i'd never have
done before... what can i do to improve my situation or
is it really a hopeless cause???
lost and confused again.
 From: Bernd
"Nothing i do or say improves our situation??"
Maybe your real frustration here is that nothing you do
or say seems to improve her ways of handling things.
She's still using what she knows will work on you
emotionally. And you're still struggling with your own
guilt, and trying to convince her (and yourself) that
what she says isn't true, even partially.
Barry, none of us is wise enough to judge anyone,
especially ourselves. She has a right to her opinions,
but that doesn't make them right. Keep searching for the
truths you're looking for, and when you feel pain, try to
ask yourself "what am I doing/thinking/reacting that
is letting this pain swim thru me?" instead of
"why is she trying to hurt me so much?".
When someone tries to punch us, we can take a step
back and let them swing at empty air, or we can lean
forward and step right into the punch. Stepping back
isn't a sign of weakness; it's a sign of wisdom. Let her
lash out as much as she needs to (and she needs to), and
keep focusing on the things you need to do to heal the
many old wounds you have inside.
To make a comparison: if you had a bad cut on your
arm, and someone slapped you there, the agony would be
excruciating, cause they'd touch the open wound. If
however, you had wrapped that cut with dressing, and
salve, giving it what it needs to heal, someone slapping
you there would hurt, but much much less. Once it healed,
a slap would just sting for a moment, but be more of a
minor discomfort than anything. You can't do anything
about your wife's lashing out, but you CAN do a lot about
how much it hurts. Keep reaching out for help in dressing
those wounds, and putting salve on them, and helping them
heal.
Re: time with your son - right now, you very well may
be limited in how much time you spend with him. That
won't last forever. Focus on healing; trust that your
healing will help you find ways to protect yourself with
a soft invisible shield of love and acceptance, that will
take whatever arrows your wife slings at you and turn
them all into butterflies. That's the goal, and the
closer you get to that, the easier it will be for your
wife to see that friendship with you will help HER get a
lot more happiness in her life than anger.
Have you read Mzet's posts over the past few months?
He's going thru a similar struggle in many ways, and you
might find that some of the things he's discovered can
help you. Hang in there. It took many years to get to
this swamp, so it's going to take a little while to find
your way back out of it. It's taken us years, so why
should you get the speedboat we didn't get????:) Hugs.
From: mzet
Hi: I know our situations are not the same, but here
are my thoughts:
1.- Read and re-read Scott Peck's The Road Less
Traveled. You'll see why after you have really
internalized its words. If I can pin point one of the
major times of growth throughout this whole mess, I would
have to say that it was while I was wrestling with this
book.
2.- You have to let go 100%. The ONLY thing you can do
is concentrate on yourself. From what I read between the
lines, you haven't made that step yet. You need to. This
is essential in your healing and in unveiling the only
possibility of reconciliation with her. If you don't let
go 100% you close that possibility. (I say possibility,
not probability, because results are not guaranteed. If
she wants a divorce, there is nothing you can do, but if
she chooses reconciliation in the future, only by your
letting go will she feel invited to come back).
3.- It is not easy. It takes a long time. You will
continue to suffer. You have to embrace all of it with
love to find peace. It is inside of you, but you need to
listen in silence.
4.- Your objective should not be to save the marriage.
Let go of that too. If you keep trying to save it you'll
keep stumbling and she will sense that. Your objective
should be to love your wife. Period, regardless of her
choices.
5.- To love your wife means to extend yourself to
foster her spiritual growth (again, read Peck). This
means at times to affirm her radical freedom to choose to
be away from you, or to say or do things that can hurt
you, or to divorce you. This kind of love hurts, but it
is, in my opinion, the only way.
6.- There is no way you can possibly follow this road
by yourself. But with humility, you will find the answers
inside of you. You just need to be patient, open and in
silence, the answers will come.
I am not suggesting you should follow this road. I
don't think it is for everyone, but I can tell you that I
have a level of tranquillity in the midst of what most
think is an impossible and hopeless situation. Take care.
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