 What now? - Confused
I have heard such wonderful advice and analysis - so I
figured I would tell my story out of curiosity and
desperation for answers. My boyfriend of 7 years broke up
with me in February. I have to admit it wasn't a shock -
except that he did it before I did. We had been having
problems for about a year. It started Valentine's Day
last year. He had taken me out to dinner and we went back
to his place. After we made love, he says that he wants
us to stop seeing each other for a while. Confused and
hurt I didn't know why he was doing this. He told me that
he needed time to think becasue things were getting so
close to us getting married, that he wanted to be sure he
was ready - he assured me that I was the one he wanted
and I shouldn't be insecure about that fact. He said he
didn't want to see other people during our break and
asked that I didn't see people either.
Trusting that he was doing this to prepare for a life
with me, I graciously stepped back and waited - - and
waited and waited - he just wasn't coming back to me. It
had been a couple of months and he called to ask if I
could pick up something for my mom at his house. When I
got there, things were so awkward - but great! He was so
happy to see me and kept on hugging me and telling me how
much he had missed me and was so nervous to call... it
was an excuse to get me to come over and it worked. I was
very careful as to not go too crazy, but I was so in love
with him - and I wanted to make love... we did and it was
wonderful. It continued for a week straight. Then one
night - for some reasson, I assked if he was seeing
someone. He said Yes. I was so upset I threw up. He swore
to me up and down that it was over - he wasn't going to
see her ever again. I believed him - - until about 2
weeks later, I showed up at his house - I was in the area
and was going to surprise him. I walked in to find him in
the living room with her. He panicked and so did she.
Especially since I knew her. He eventually broke it off
with her and it took MONTHS before I would look at him in
the eyes. Here we are a year later and back to the same
thing. He broke up with me for the SAME EXACT reasons and
I found out he is seeing someone.
Now, he is calling me again and wants to be with me,
but only in a sexual capacity. We were so in love. He
came very close to asking me to marry him in January and
now look where we are. We occassionally see each - when
it's convinient for him and all he wants from me is sex.
I am blown away by this whole thing. I really wanted to
spend my life with him. I want him and miss him so
much... but recently, when i am with him, I have no
sexual attraction for him - I can't even kiss him. Yet I
miss him terribly when i am not with him. The 7 year
relationship was FAR from perfect. We did love each other
and LIVE for each other for some time . For some reason
he cheated on me 3 years ago and it hasn't been the same
since. I know he has been with other women. Do I walk
away and salvage what is left of my dignity and sanity? I
know he sees what he is doing to us. And I know he
doesn't want to hurt me or lose me forever. How do I walk
away and make him realize what he has lost without being
depressed forever????? He still says that he wants to
marry me, but isn't sure when he wants to get back
together. He claims he doesn't know why he feels that way
because he loves me more than anything in the world.
Huh???
 From: Amberle
Well, I certainly feel for you. I want to just say
that from what you have written, you think that marrying
him would be a mistake. You even say that you have no
sexual attraction for him anymore. I'd almost say this is
a good thing, because it makes it easier to refuse his
advances. I can understand how long-term relationships,
if they go bad, are still hard to break off. I think it
would be best if you never see him again. A clean break
might be easiest. (And hardest.) I think you answer some
of your own queations in your post better than anyone
else can. I wish you the best of luck and strength to do
what you decide is best.
From: Diane
Wow, I'm astounded at your patience with this person!
I think that the devotion and unconditional acceptance
you show for him should be re-directed back towards you.
At this point, I would suggest not focusing on a solution
to the external situation (which is all that it is), but
focusing on the unfolding inside of YOU. The ole
"should I stay or should I go" IS a struggle,
but take a step back, perhaps get into some self-help
meetings where others are having the same struggles, (I
find these to be of immediate relief) and be extra kind
and patient with yourself.
Though I don't know the situation totally, I do
believe that some quiet reflection, some time spent with
people who truly care, and perhaps some self-help books
on co-dependency and other relationship issues would be a
good place to get started. Invest in yourself, re-capture
your self-esteem and your self-respect. You'll be
surprised at how tables will turn, and the answers will
seem so blatantly obvious at that point.
The most wonderful gift you could give yourself is to
grab this opportunity to learn about yourself, run with
it, and don't ever, ever stop. Be cautious and aware.
Listen. Above all, be gentle with yourself.
From: Bernd
“I have her but something still feels missing
inside”. When a guy (or girl) is sooooo close to
having the kind of love they dreamt they’d have one
day, but yet it still doesn’t “feel”
complete, it sets up one heck of a dilemma inside. They
don’t know where that leftover feeling of emptiness
is coming from, so they set off on a frantic search to
try and find out. There’s at least a couple of fears
at work here: what if “you’re really “the
one”? Or what if “the one” is still
“out there”? If he finds out the first is true
in his search, then he’s very afraid of screwing up
that dream that he was so close to. So he does whatever
he can to try to keep you from moving on. He tries to buy
time. And if “the one” is still “out
there”, he is in a race against time to find out
“what’s missing” in your relationship, so
that he can let it go with the least damage to you and
him.
I had a very similar struggle in my first serious
relationship that began in high school. Something felt as
if it was missing, and I had no idea why. I had no idea
that it could be something inside ME, that I needed to
heal, and that no relationship could ever fill for me
until I took responsibility for healing it. He is telling
you what you want to hear. You BOTH are looking at his
feelings of emptiness as a reflection of the love the
relationship has. But those feelings of fear and
emptiness inside him come from a place that existed
before your relationship. The real danger to the
relationship isn’t those feelings; it’s how
both of you are reacting to those feelings. If you can
find help and support to help you look more realistically
at what he’s doing, and why, - as well as how
you’re reacting to it, and why - it will help you
find solutions that take better care of YOUR well-being
and feelings. That is the best thing you can give him and
yourself.
One of the real struggles here is honesty. The more he
feels that you’ll leave him if he’s totally
honest, the less honest he’s going to be.
That’s the dilemma. Creating a safe climate for
honesty may mean going thru excruciating pain when he
tells you something that hurts right to the core. But if
it’s YOUR choice to risk feeling that pain, it will
be a lot easier in the long run to find out what that
pain is trying to teach you, and to transform it into
wisdom and self-love. If he decides not to be honest,
that’s his choice. Simply being able to be more okay
with such honesty will help you a lot in your next
relationship. Love works in multiples. In finding ways to
support more honesty from him, you’ll also find
you’re able to be more honest with yourself. He HAS
lied about some pretty important things, and he DOES have
very strong feelings for you (we don’t go thru the
agony of trying to straddle the picket fence for people
or things we don’t care about).
My sense is you are trying to find an explanation to
everything that KEEPS you from feeling the agonizing pain
of the truth, or truths. It’s only when you
acknowledge the full truth of those things you already
know inside, and accept that there’s simply some
things you’re unable to understand yet, that
you’ll be able to process and deal with the pain
it’s unleashed. That pain and fear now are like
jackhammers in your head; no matter how much you try, you
just can’t find the “quiet” you need to
really get in touch with what’s best for you. If you
can focus on resolving that struggle inside you, it will
give you a much better chance of resolving your struggles
with him, in ways that leave both of you better off,
whether you stay together or eventually split.
It was a big risk for me when I began telling Lynda
things she hated hearing, and that at first she took very
personally. I knew that I stood the real risk of her
saying “the hell with this!”. But I also
realized that the less honest I was with her about my
REAL feelings, the more I was paving our future with
hollow stones, that would someday crumble. I’d had
enough of that route. I wasn’t willing to settle
anymore for anything less than solid ground. It has paid
off more than I could have ever imagined. Hope something
here helps a little.
From: Confused
First of all, I just want to say that you really said
some things that made me think... A lot of it makes
sense. Especially when he tells me that he doesn't know
why he has changed so drastically. He used to be such a
loving and caring person who made me feel like the most
important thing in his life. I strongly believe it has a
lot to do witht the fac that his mother died a couple of
years back. That is when I noticed the drastic change in
his views on life and his priorities. I am still in love
with the person he used to be - hoping everyday that he
will go back to the way he was. I am in love with the
shell of that person. I can't hold any feelings for
anyone else because my love for the "old him"
is so strong. I can't even love who he is now, becasue I
feel like I don't even know him anymore. all in all, the
replies I have gotten from my post have seriously had an
imapct on my thoughts. They really hit home to the fact
that I have felt like I will never find that love ever
again - - I am hoping it will come back with him.
I am extremely scared of starting over - it was 7
years of my life that have had such a big impact on who I
am today. I am 25 and it feels like my life is starting
over. It's scary. I just feel he needs me - something to
hold on to in his struggle for HIS lost identity. He
loved his mother more than anything and feels like he is
lost without her in his life. Yet, I have been his best
friend, as he has been mine, and I will miss that
friendship terribly. But I realize now that I need to do
what is best for MY well being. I have become lost as to
who I am and now I must look for that - the only way, is
to let go of the one thing that makes me feel insecure -
I am always wondering "what is wrong with me? - what
did I do wrong?" - it takes it's toll... Thanks
everyone - especially you Bernard - you have given a
point of view that makes me finally understand the
confusion and sheer pain of what I have been going
through... Thank You =)
From: Bernd
His mom's death certainly sounds as if it had a major
impact on his life.
I'm going to give you some food for thought. I used to
love Lynda because of who she was, and the things I liked
and loved about her. Now I view love differently. I love
Lynda simply because she EXISTS - that the mere fact she
is alive makes her worthy of any and all love that I'm
capable of. This has freed me tremendously, because it
means the love I feel isn't tied to whether she changes,
or how she changes. It doesn't matter. She is free to be
exactly the type of person she needs to be, even if she
has or takes on some trait I may not like. ZBut if she
has an "imperfection", is it her imperfection
that's the problem, or my perspective of it?
I don't know if this new way is better for anyone
else. It has certainly made a huge difference in MY life.
Not only has it freed me to love in ways I was never able
to before, but love always gives back more than you give
out. I have been treated with the same kind of acceptance
from Lyna, and let me tell you, it feels sooooooo good -
cause I'm NOT the easiest man in the world to live with.
Far from it.
Anyway, if anything in here creates echoes inside you,
it may give you something new to explore looking at in
this relationship, or future ones. Just a few thoughts
that came to mind.
From: Confused
Thanks for the other perspective... I Used to be a
person that was extremely open minded - I always give
people more than their share of second chances. However,
he took advantage of that - I accepted his faults - (as I
would expect him to accept mine) - but when it starts to
hurt me in ways that are unbearable - and they continue -
that is where I draw the line. His changes are not just
small. They are like night and day. he is nasty,
spiteful, bitter, extremely selfish and self centered,
cocky, and downright mean at times. He told me once that
he doesn't care about my feelings when it comes to the
things he says and does - he says he doesn't have time to
worry about that all the time. He never used to be like
this. I will accept him for all he is - but not for the
side of him that has taken over. I still love him and
adore him - as you would say - because he EXISTS - I
don't think anyone would have put up with what I did
because they liked it... He is the love of my life. I
can't just forget that. But I would start to label his
behavior as becoming abusive - mentally. In trying to
accept this side of him, I became depressed, reclusive
and disfunctional at work and in my personal life. But I
just can't let go of him.
Thanks for everyhting - You're a very generous person
to be giving advice like this. It helps more than you
know to be able to talk about it with an
"outside" source. Thanks again =)
From: Bernd
I think you are bang on, in not accepting unacceptable
behavior directed at you. The more I can focus on another
person's CHOICES that I don't like (when they are
directed my way), the more I can take steps I need that
help me refuse to be a doormat.
When Lynda and I were going thru our hell, it affected
our kids a lot. The past still does, and they all have a
well of anger and pain that each of them is trying to
heal. My alanon helped me distinguish between choices,
and people. There were times that each of them really
tore into me, spilling out their frustration and anger.
It hurt plenty when they did, and there were many times I
reacted with anger and frustration of my own.
What helped me most tho was - little by little - being
able to respond "I don't deserve this treatment from
you, and I WON'T ACCEPT IT". I told them I'd listen
to what was bothering them, but I wouldn't be a dumping
boy. And there were times I left the room, to take care
of myself. They hated it. But eventually, they learned
that I wouldn't let them dump on me, and they began
finding other ways to express their anger, that was
better for ALL of us.
By keeping the focus on what I wouldn't accept, I
didn't need to tell them they were "wrong" or
"bad" for yelling and dumping. And my example
has rubbed off - now in their relationships with friends
and girlfriends/boyfriends, they have been more able to
do the same kind of thing, instead of engaging in a war
of words.
Try to focus a bit more each time on the choices you
don't like, and reaffirm your right to not be a doormat.
Then, find the best solution you can for the moment, and
beyond, that will help you take care of your well-being,
without needing him to change anything. The more you need
change from him, the more you place your serenity in his
hands. That's the key. Day by day, step by step. That's
all I've ever been able to do.
|
