 Married twice to the same guy -
twice
I have been married twice to the same guy. We divorced
and then remarried after he got treatment for alcohol and
drug addiction. I remarried him because we have three
children together, but now I find that I just don't love
him anymore.
I feel very bad about this because he is trying very
hard to be a good husband and father. I don't think it is
an issue with forgiveness because even though he
repeatedly abandoned me in the past, I don't blame him
for his actions while he was in addiction.
I try to be a good wife, but I just can't seem to get
the feelings back that I used to have for him when I met
him so many years ago. I am 36 and met him when I was 16.
I want to make the relationship work because of the kids
who I love more than anything in life. But I just can't
seem to give him the love he needs and sex is hard
because the feelings are not there.
Can anyone help?
 From: Emily
If you've looked deep inside yourself and you're sure
you don't love him then there isn't much you can do about
it. You can't MAKE yourself love someone. And if you
truly don't love him there is probably a reason for it.
Just because he's kicked his addict doesn't make him a
prince. Often, without intensive therapy someone who has
given up an addiction will find other outlets for the
pain and frustration that caused the addiction in the
first place. You say he "tries hard". Does he
make you feel like the most important person in the
world? Does he make you feel secure and loved? Does he
reach out to hold your hand for no reason? Does he make
you feel smart and wise? Is he of help to you with the
house and kids? Is he there for you when you have
problems? Is he protective and nurturing with the kids?
My guess is that if you can't find anything about him to
love then the answer to mot of these questions would be
no. Ask yourself why you stay with him. Is it because of
the kids and you feel that they need a father? Is it
because of the financial security? Is it because you
don't love yourself enough to KNOW that you deserve
better? Maybe the two of you do need some time alone to
talk, but if you feel nothing for him then a "second
honeymoon" would be a disaster! He's going to expect
sex and I can tell that you really don't want to go
there.
See if you can decide what's best for you and the
kids. Try to be objective. Is he just physically there or
does he actively participate in their lives. If you're
staying with a man you can't love, I worry that you don't
love yourself either. And your kids need you to love
yourself. You're their role model, and if they don't
learn to love and respect themselves from you then they
too could grow up feeling that they are unworthy of love
and caring.
Sometimes people stay in a bad relationship because
the "known" feels so much safer than the
"unknown". But who knows! The unknown and
untried might be just what you need to blossom and grow.
From: cindy
For you to have married him twice, there must be some
deep love somewhere for him. I think you just have to
find it. If there's no one else in your life preventing
you from feeling for your husband I would concentrate on
communicating with him, tell him exactly what you need
from this relationship, spend some quality time with just
each other. Try recapturing what it was that first
attracted you to him, and be honest with him. Let him
know how you feel. When thinks got really terrible in my
relationship with my husband whom I'm separated from, we
sometimes would go to Niagara Falls. It really helped.
Your children are very precious to you but in reality if
there's problems with your spouse, a little time away can
do wonders. If your sure you really don't love him then
by telling him at this point can do more harm to him than
good. He is probably still very fragile and a big setback
like this could make him turn to his old addictions. If
he's not abusive in any way, I'd hope there would be a
chance. Good luck.
From: Bernd
It’s ironic that many relationships break up
AFTER an addictive partner has made some serious headway
in recovery. For so long, the spouse has been hoping and
wishing for their partner to deal with their addiction,
and yet when it happens, all of a sudden the feelings of
“love” just seem to fizzle out, and be replaced
by numbness, or a kind of an emptiness.
This is very, very normal, and there are very
understandable reasons why it happens. Call it a
“transition phase”, a sort of
“no-man’s land”, which CAN lead to a new
kind of loving relationship that never existed before.
Let me state a few simple things first. Until he began
serious recovery, your marriage was to the addict first,
the man second. Most of your time would have been spent
trying to cope with the turmoil his addiction brought to
the relationship, your life, and your feelings. Roses
can’t grow in a dust storm. It’s also likely
that the “love” you felt then would have been a
roller coaster ride - some days your heart would have
held rainbows of hope and love, while others would have
seen it crushed in a black pit of despair. You simply
wouldn’t get those same exhilarating
“highs” in a relationship that resembles more
of a steady walk now, than a roller coaster. That
doesn’t mean you won’t ever have them though.
That magic awaits for you in a much healthier, deeper,
and long-lasting way than ever before, if you choose to
do what you need to find it.
One more piece of background. As long as you had the
addict to focus on, that struggle masked the turmoil,
hidden pain and anger that is buried inside you from your
own past. With your partner in recovery, all those things
start leaking to the surface (usually through feelings of
restlessness, boredom, depression, etc.). Subconsciously,
your system tries to protect you by shutting down those
overwhelming feelings as best it can. But our emotions
are sorta an-all-or-none kind of package; when the
unpleasant ones get shut down, usually the good ones get
shut down with them. I suspect you find it as hard to
feel love for your partner, as you do to feel the anger
that boils up when you think of all those lost years.
After all, he’s TRYING so hard, right, and you feel
you don’t have the right to crap on him now like
that? It’s a real dilemma.
I would strongly recommend you begin your OWN recovery
program in Al-anon. You have been affected by alcoholism
just as much as the alcoholic, except in a different way.
Like getting cancer from second-hand smoke. The effects
of the disease are just as baffling in you, as they are
in him. And no surprisingly, co-addicts (partners of
addicts) have the same difficulty with denial, and
hesitation about joining a 12 step recovery group as the
addict. You see what a difference his recovery has made
in his life. You can have the same deliverance from your
struggle.
If you decide to stay in the marriage, I’d
recommend looking at this stage as your THIRD marriage
(good things come in threes). The difference with this
one is that this time your marriage will be to HIM first,
not the addict. You will finally have the chance to learn
to love the real man inside, the one you’ve always
wanted most. You’ll have a lifetime to discover all
the nice little mysteries that were hidden under a cloud
of booze before. You both have a lot of history together,
a lot of rich soil to plant your garden in. And it sounds
like this time the seeds have a real chance to blossom
into a bed of roses.:)
Those are my thoughts and guesses. Hope some help.
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