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 Could someone HELP me - Faith
Could someone help me? I have been in a relationship
with a guy for 3+ years, but now he wants to take a break
in the relationship to see if I am the one. (So he says).
This started three weeks ago ... and I am hurting. We
have talked everyday for the past three weeks except for
one day. Some of the talks were good some bad. We both
call each other about the same amount. So its not just
me....but now after three weeks he said that its not in
his heart yet to come back and doesn't know if it will
ever be there, but gives me hope that it might. He says
he still loves me...he just needs this time for his
freedom. He always uses the old adage it's not you it's
me, and he tends to focus on some of the bad times in the
relationship, however he sometimes throws in a good time.
A little confusing huh. What should I do? Move on or
wait....and is this normal. Please help I am really
confused.
 From: Bernd
This is all TOO common. We've been taught from an
early age, by the examples all around us, that when we
don't "feel" love, or the amount of love we
think we should, there's something missing in the
relationship. My guess is that, in general, both sexes
have been conditioned from an early age in how they deal
with the struggle over closeness and separateness in
relationships: guys are terrified subconsciously of too
much closeness, while girls are terrified subconsciously
of abandonment. It sounds like both of you are right
smack in the middle of those struggles.
The only thing that I've found helps in situations
like this is talk, and a willingness to really listen,
without trying to steer things our way. In talking, I
don't necessarily mean talking just with him. Outside
perspective can be very helpful, especially if you are
able to talk with a relationship therapist (you alone, or
with him if he's willing), and/or couples that seem to
have a good relationship now, but have been thru the mill
to get there. Their insights can be extremely helpful -
they've likely covered a lot of the same ground that
you're trying to find your way thru right now.
Ironically, his withdrawing IS about him, not you.
Your panic is about you. Finding help and support to deal
with that panic so it doesn't consume you every waking
moment is something that YOU can focus on. The reality is
that you have absolutely no control over what he decides
to do. He may work thru his struggle, or he may not.
Either way, if you interpret his decision as a measure of
how worthy you are of his love, the fear you feel isn't
going to leave, even though it might seem to if he
"comes back". The more you search for insight
that will help you put in perspective your feelings, and
his, the better chance you'll give yourself of having the
kind of relationship you deserve with him, or someone
else in the future.
I wish experience wasn't so painful at times, but it
is. My philosophy is, if I'm going to go thru that kind
of pain, I want to gain enough insight to make it
worthwhile - and even better, enough insight so that I
don't have to go thru the same crap again in the future.
Good luck, and take care.
From: Mary
Bernd's comments are right on the money. I am
experiencing much of what you are as well. The most
important thing is, don't pull on him with tears alone,
or with threats of any kind. If he comes back because of
these things, you will never be able to trust that HE
made the choice because HE wanted it. You must show him
how you feel about him, what you value about him, and
yes, go to therapy if you can. But give him that space.
You are worth it.
From: Kristi
It sounds like he wants his freedom, but he wants to
keep you too. He needs to realize that if this is what he
really wants, you won't be sitting around waiting for him
to decide. My guess is (the way it usually goes) that
when he realizes you are also seeing others(even if your
not), he will not like it so much. Sometimes we get
comfortable in a relationship and think the other person
loves us enough that they will wait. When we find out
that that other person is attractive to others and we
might just lose them to someone else, we tend to change
our mind and realize what a catch we had in the first
place. Hope it helps!
From: Faith
Kristi - You are so right.....I have an old friend
from college coming into the area next weekend and I let
him know that this friend called me to see if we could
get together for a day that my friend is here. My
boyfriend was very upset by this. And has started to make
an effort to work it all out. He says that he wants to
take it slowly to make sure that it is better than it was
before and that we don't fall into a routine, which we
kind of did. I said that it was up to us not to let that
happen. Thank you so much for the words of advice, you
were right on the money.
From: Been There Done That -J
I am only 19 years old, and I have been seeing a guy
for almost 3 years. One night he decides that he needs
his space, and suddenly I am thrown into a life of
lonliness (all my friends went off to other colleges, our
friendships disentegrated). With the help of new friends,
I discovered that through the relationship, I had
"lost myself." I became DEPENDENT on him for
everything-love, laughter, happiness. My advice to you is
to fully evaluate your life before holding on to the
dream that your loved one will return. I did. I went out
with other people, and I found myself. My boyfriend
discovered that there was no one like me in the world. He
came back to me three months later.....BEGGING. A word of
warning though: It is possible that trusting each other
again will be hard to do (if you take him back). My
problem is that I keep holding on to the past, and the
ways that he has hurt me. Well, I really just spilled my
guts instead of helping you. Let me know how things
turned out. I hope that I can help. Sincerely, -J
From: Faith
J - Sometimes it is really good to hear that you are
not the only one going through or been through this. I
really appriciate your thoughts. I am friend less because
we have the same friends and they were mostly his to
begin with. He just left my house....and not much has
changed...except that he spent the night last night on
some girls couch!!!!! I have to move on right now I
guess, but it is so scarry....any thoughts on how you did
it would be much appriciated. Thank you so much.
From: Faith
Kristie - Well .... I went away this weekend, and
never called him and he didn't know the number. I left a
message on my answering machine that he hopes I have a
safe trip.......well when I got back I found out that he
spent one of the nights on a nother girls couch......Well
I know now that I have to move on...Thank You.
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