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 Confused - Dave J
Hello All, This is my first visit to this site. I am
currently very confused about where I am and what I want.
I have been married for just over 4 years. Currently my
wife is away for the weekend, while we 'think' about what
we want. Why ? I hear you ask. Well, there are no
specific reasons, we seem to be drifting apart. We have
lost that 'soul-mate' feeling we had at the start. We no
longer seem to have anything in common. We both work long
hours and are constantly tired and find it hard to make
time for each other. From my point of view, I'm feeling
that we got married too young . ( I was 19 when we
married, she was 24...now I'm 24). I worry that I've
'missed' something, my youth ? I Love and want her, but
sometimes it just overawes me and I just want to run
away. I am currently feeling that we need to separate to
discover what we want out of life. It would be such a BIG
move though. Its frightening. I am unsure where to turn.
Any advice from someone who has been here will be most
gratefully received. Many Thanks
 From: Bernd
The phrase "jumping out of the frying pan into
the fire" comes to mind when I read your post. When
things seem very confusing in a relationship, it's very
common to draw the conclusion that there's something
wrong or lacking in the relationship, and often decisions
are made that simply end up trading one type of pain and
confusion for another. This is the most common example
around us, and the one that we've learned the most on a
subconscious level.
My belief is that confusion in a relationship gives us
one of the greatest opportunities to transform that
relationship from one based on hand-me-down beliefs, to
one based on solid, magical truths. The path isn't easy,
however, and requires a type of commitment that is
downright scary at times.
Here are my guesses, from what I've been able to grasp
about your situation. Both of you went into the marriage
holding beliefs that when you loved another person,
romantic magical feelings were a natural part of that.
And marriage is "supposed" to bring more
happiness and more joy, instead of more struggle and
pain. Yet the opposite seems to be happening right now in
your relationship.
If you learned to drive from people that keep having
car accidents, isn't it likely that you'd develop the
same kind of driving skills? In such a case, learning how
to drive safely would likely mean thrusting everything
you had learned under a microscope, and finding out just
what things you had learned were actually making crashes
MORE likely, and then finding better, safer, and more
rewarding ways of handling those parts of your driving.
(My wife says I compare a lot of things to cars, and
she's right!:)
Likewise with your marriage. You learned many things
about love and marriage which are causing you problems
right now, and will keep causing you problems. If you
knew what they were, you could start changing them today.
The reality is you don't know what they are right now,
and that's ok. What you DO have is the very real signs
that something isn't working. That's a great start. If
what I have said strikes any echoes inside of you, then
the only way to find out what beliefs are causing you
problems is to begin searching - to begin taking an
earnest look for how love really works, and what parts of
your feelings come from things inside you that have
nothing to do with the relationship, and have a lot to do
with emptiness inside that you are trying to get filled
thru the marriage.
I think you'll find some good starting points in the
wide range of postings in this comment forum. There's
also a lot of very helpful resources listed on the
Relationship Links page. I'd suggest looking a therapy as
well - it has helped save my life, and played a big part
in transforming Lynda's and my relationship.
Right now, the question that comes to mind is - why
would you expect the marriage to blossom if you've both
placed work as a higher priority? Texas Instruments has a
saying - two priorities are no priorities. When work is
sapping the major part of both of your energies, it makes
perfect sense that the relationship would suffer. Al-anon
has another saying - first things first. If your marriage
is more important than money, then let your choices
reflect this. The ironic thing is that your
income-earning potential will actually become much higher
if you come to work with magic in your heart, and
happiness exuding thru you. First things first.
The biggest help you can give to your wife in sorting
out her confusion is to take responsibility for yours,
and commit yourself to finding out the REAL answers that
are waiting for you. The things you feel you lost out on
as a youth can be recaptured in your relationship, even
though it seems otherwise right now. Don't settle. Find
the answers that are REAL no-lose solutions. They exist,
even though they may take a lot more struggle and faith
to find. There's no use settling for a piece of coal,
when a diamond lies somewhere within reach underneath.
Good luck. Hope this helped just a bit.
From: cindy
Unfortunately your problem is world wide. Alot of
people get married young and end up straying from their
marriage hoping to find what it is that's missing. I
can't say one way or another what you should do, but I
will tell you that I was 19 when I married and my husband
was 25. Even though our marriage didn't work out, I can
honestly say if their was communication, and respect, we
would still be married today. When a person feels like
there's something missing in there relationship that
usually means they are not satisfied with who they are or
who there with. My guess is that you have become
attracted to someone else, whether it be at work or out
with the boys, and combined with your day to day
struggles with your marriage, your probably thinking
" I wonder what it would be like to be with someone
else" I strongly suggest if that is what your
thinking, and I'm not saying it is, but if it is DON'T.
"WHY" if you think being with someone else will
fill the void you have with your present spouse, it will
only complicate things more. My advise to you is think
long and hard before you make your decision, you always
run the risk of letting her go, you find out in a couple
of months you want her back, but she now has a taste of
what being single is all about, and she may not want to
come back. Or she may find someone else. Don't take
anything for granted.
From: Kristi
Trying to decide whether or not to end a marriage is
such a hard decision. I too am facing this issue. I am
now 27 and have been married since I was 19. I think it
is normal to wonder what you missed out on. And, I think
it's ok to want to explore a little. I believe if it is
really meant to be, you will find your way back to each
other. There is a big catch though, while you are trying
to discover yourself, she will most likely be doing the
same thing. If you realize how much you love her- it may
be too late, she could be gone. Just think long and hard
about it, is all I can say.
From: Just another suffering man
it sounds like you two need what's called "second
honey moon", or perhaps go the next step and begin
your family! That's what is missing, not unless you have
children already. But as for spending time away from each
other, one should grow together not apart. I've often say
and dreamed of the day when I could spend
"time" away from my spouse, but then after a
moment of thought I feel that it would just cause our
already unstable relationship to crumble even more, so
I'm sorry dude, my relationship is killing me and the
more I think about it the more I am dragged down and this
was suppose to be a support letter to you and here I am
splashing around in my own disaster of a relationship, if
you find the answer to relationships, hold it close and
patent it and make millions, k?
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