 Cold and unemotional - barry
hi Bernd and Lynda! *hugs* looks like you've got your
work cut out for ya? *looking at all the recent
posts...wow!* i'm not sure if you'll have time to respond
but thought i'd ask your advice anyway?
going up to visit my son this saturday after not
seeeing him for two weeks, my wife had a family gathering
elsewhere last weekend hence the break. i've been going
out with friends and work mates as much as possible. a
blind date even! all this makes me miss my wife and son
more though? different things trigger off emotional
outbursts, i even found myself holding back tears on the
tram home the other night as a looked at some recent
photos i just had processed. i realise that things will
get better, but my wife's cold unemotional attitude
towards me really hurts. i rang her this morning to make
sure it was still okay to visit this weekend and it was
like talking to a robot! strangely, she said "aren't
you going to see your mother for mother's day? what's
that, two years in a row now? huh!" why is she
dumping on me for not seeing 'my' mother?
i told her i missed our son and that i'd rather see
him, besides my mum is coming down next week so i'll see
her then? is this more controlling 'stuff'... the cold
tones, the redress? and i also got a letter in the mail
from child support informing me that my payments are to
increase to $520 per month from July! i feel like just
chucking everything in! i'm going backwards! it costs me
about $150 a weekend to visit my son with accomodation ,
fuel and expenses, on top of which i put $50 into an
account for our son, plus i usually buy a book and/or
clothes, the occasional educational toy, etc on top of
$300 a month child support i'm paying now? once i add up
my expenses, visits and support payments, take out
monthly rent and living expenses i'm left with less than
a weeks salary per month for whatever?
oh i forgot, i'm still paying off our a loan for our
joint debts of $70 per week!! shit! what's the point in
trying to get ahead? my quality of life from July onwards
is just going to be plain shitty! and it's looking pretty
thin on the ground! if i get an extra job to make ends
meet, my child support goes up? it's a lose-lose
situation? no wonder so many dad's pull the pin and
bugger off! it's like the government forces you into
supporting your (ex) wife and child/children for the rest
of your life regardless of her situation and wether she
remarries or what? if my suppoet payments go up, her
single mother's pension goes down? and yet the child
support is supposed to be for the child? go figure! i
feel like going to my laywer and and starting legal
action to get joint custody of our son even though i
can't afford this either? and yeah "i know, life's
tuff huh?"....
i'm giving her her space, not writing to her, not
calling her, not bothering her with trying to fix things
and in the meanwhile my life is looking all the more
shittier!!... how can i be anything to anyone when i have
all this stuff to deal with let alone look at fixing up
the relationship with myself? i can really understand why
some father's just up and leave and are never heard of
again? and/or bump themselves off, though i'm over that
stage thankfully!!!.... sorry for the dumping?
 From: Bernd
Barry, See if you can give yourself some "anger
time", like my bottle bashing in the canvas bag with
a baseball bat screaming at the top of my lungs. You are
definitely being controlled, and likely allowed yourself
to be controlled thru much of your marriage - except now
it's changed colour and has become much more painful.
You need that anger, not to use "against"
your wife, but to help you find the strength to accept
the truth about what is happening in your relationship
now, how you are cooperating with it, and to get guidance
from inside to begin dealing with it in healthier ways.
Definitely talk over what you are going thru with as
many empathetic trustworthy people as you can. Give
yourself time to find solutions; they won't come
overnight, but the old adage "seek and you will
find" works.
When things were really difficult for me, it helped me
to remind myself that "as long as I'm alive,
everything else is gravy". In other words, the only
real problem I have each day is whether I'll be alive to
et up out of bed. Once that problem is
"solved", the other problems pale in
comparison.
Also try and remember that the more attention you give
to your recovery and healing, the more you'll find
solutions you never saw before. If you have to travel
thru hell to get to heaven, then you can do it resisting
every step (which slows you down immensely), or you can
say "hot damnit, I wanna get there as fast as my 2
little legs will carry me!" Pain has a way of easing
when we know we got a payoff equal to it at the other
end.
The more you heal, the less your wife's attempts to
manipulate you will work, and the more calm you'll carry
with you in any situation. You win, and certainly your
son wins, because he gets time with dad that feels SOLID,
not scary because Dad's stuffing turmoil inside.
The solutions WILL come, when you're ready to recieve
them. Keep doing what you need to to heal and recover,
and "make yourself ready". Trust the process;
it works, if you work it.
I warp my arms around you and just rock you slowly,
hugging you close.
From: barry
Thanks!!... *holding back the tears*
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