 Help a failed marriage... -
Desperate
I have been married for 3 years, but been living with
her for a total of 9 years. I have been separated for 2
½ months. My wife claims that I mentally abuse her. At
first I didn’t know what that meant…then I
visited this place. I never realized that what I did to
my wife would be consider mental abuse…things like
calling her a dumb-ass, bitch, stupid, etc. The first
month went by pretty smoothly. But now, I miss her so
much. I try calling and talking to her, but she just
don’t want to hear it. In my attempts, I have became
angry and frustrated. Now, I have started reading
self-help book and visiting place like this. It has
helped me find myself and understand the "hell"
that I put my wife through. But all of these may have
come too late. My wife will not talk to me or return my
calls or have anything to do with me. She said that she
is happy now and that she does not love me anymore. Is
there anyone out there that can give me any advice. I
really, truly love my wife and want to be with her and
make her happy. Please help please.
 From: Bernd
Discovering we've treated our partner in very unloving
ways usually brings about a huge wave of guilt,
self-loathing, and gut-level fear and anguish. We need to
be "loved" even more desperately than before
during such a period, because our feelings of love for
OURSELVES are usually at an all time low.
During such times it helps to remember that we aren't
wise enough to judge ourselves, and our worthiness of
love. Our past choices are not US; our guilt and despair
- far from being our enemy - are trying to be important
teachers, showing us that our souls are suffering from an
illness that was given to us a long time ago. As long as
we don't acknowledge and treat that illness, we will pass
it on - through our abuse of others. And WE will also get
sicker as a result.
As much as we judge ourselves for abusing others, the
real roots of our struggle lie with how we've continued
to abuse ourselves. It's this abuse that gets masked by
the abuse we give others, but nothing really changes
until we tackle that destructive part of our relationship
with ourselves.
Your relationship with your wife will improve only as
much as your relationship with yourself. The more despair
you feel over your own worthiness as a human being, the
more you'll need to fill that hole with someone else's
attention. But it is impossible (and a very frustrating
process) for anyone else to fill that deep emptiness
inside of you.
I would strongly suggest you search out support groups
in real life, and on the net, for abusive men who are
trying to recover and heal. Focussing your energies in
this direction will help you find that inner pool of
loving spirituality that was torn away from you as a
child, and will give you supportive and loving human
mirrors who will help you forgive yourself, and make
amends in ways that will transform your past into
miracles that will make a real and wonderful difference
to others.
Just a note: what happened to you in your past, and
how you tried to cope with it were NOT YOUR FAULT.
Self-blame is destructive, and part of the disease.
However, your actions and your struggle are your
RESPONSIBILITY, which means "blaming" others in
your past won't help any more than blaming yourself. (If
I had AIDS, blaming others doesn't get me anywhere - but
taking responsibility and finding the best ways to deal
with it DOES enhance my life, and others).
You also may believe that you are the ogre here, and
your wife the victim. My guess is that the truth lies
closer to this: your wife is dealing with the very same
type of struggles you are - low self-worth, difficulty
with expressing anger, etc. - that you are, but the way
she's learned to cope are like the opposite sides of the
coin. Although she says she's happy now, I suspect that
it's a temporary calm - and it's highly likely that she
will seek out another abusive partner (without realizing
it) unless she finds some sources to help her deal with
her issues.
I mention this because, whether or not you live
together, you and your wife will ALWAYS have some kind of
relationship. As such, your recovery will be an important
factor not only in your relationship with her, but also
in contributing to her understanding of HER part in the
abuse/victim struggles. This is something that you need
to let her discover on her own; when we light a candle in
our life, waving it in front of someone's nose only makes
them frightened of the light.
You have an opportunity here, and yes, at times it
will seem EXTREMELY difficult and hopeless. Don't let
those moments rob you of hope; they are part of the
healing path. You can do 2 things with shit - stew in it,
and let it stink up your life even more, or use it to
grow the best damn garden anyone's ever seen.:) Good
luck.
From: Abe
It dosen't sound like you realy loved your wife, if
for 3 or 9 years you have been ( mentaly abusing her)
there is no love in that, because love means respect
which dosen't look like you had for your woman. And now
that she dumped you, you are getting all loving and want
her to take you back, whats bothering you now is her
rejection, maybe you should just let-her-be, and keep
working on yourself untill you learn how to love. and
maybe if by your action she could see that you have
changed your spots she might accept you back in her life.
I am sorry to sound harsh on you, but thats the way I see
it.
From: Desperate
Harsh is what I did to my wife. I now understand the
torture that I put my wife through. Thanks for your
input, I really appreciated it. Experience is everything,
you can always learn from your mistakes. Thanks again
Abe.
From: Desperate
Yesterday, I attemped to see my wife. When I got to
our home, she refused to answer the door or even
acknowledged that she was there. Then I went to a
pay-phone and called her. She started yelling at me and
said that if I come back out that she would call the
police. We were on speaking terms, so why would she do
this. All I wanted to do was talk and explian why I have
acted the way I did in the past. What should I do? Should
I attempt to communicate with her, or should I leave it
alone and risk losing her.
From: Abe
Hi, I am sorry to butt-in again, but I read your
letter to Bernd just now and I had seen his letter to you
couple days ago, also your note to me for which I am glad
of your tolerance towards what I said in my note to you.
However, I think your callin to your home to see your
wife and calling her from a pay phone when she refused to
open the door must had frightend the day light out of
her, do you not see that IS a form of harrasment and
bulying. It would have been better if you had sent her a
card on Valentine's day or maybe a bunch of flowers,
maybe you could have sent her a not or a letter and ask
to arrange to see her to talk things over. If you read my
first note to you and see what I sugested for you to do,
you have to be patient and passionate with her and
towards her. these are many years of hurt she need to get
over with and so do you.
If you wish for me not to put my nose into your affair
please let me know. I do wish you both the best of luck,
and take care.
From: Bernd
One of the advantages of writing down our thoughts and
feelings - whether to others, or to ourselves in a
journal - is that often something we write will contain a
nugget that shows us important insight. When I read your
post, your last line - “should I leave it alone and
risk losing her” - sounded an echo inside me. I
think this line is key to helping you understand why you
seem to be caught in a no-win situation.
Somewhere inside, I sense you believe that - without
her having constant reminders of how much you care -
she’ll drift away emotionally, and eventually
abandon you for good. With this belief, much of your time
and energy is consumed with trying to find the right
“balance” of attention, and giving her space.
The payoff, if you find a successful balance, is that you
don’t end up being abandoned.
The trouble is, this approach IS unwinnable, no matter
how much it seems to work at times. Your fear of
abandonment is at the root of much of your struggles with
anger, and unhappiness. Your wife can’t take care of
this for you; this has to be healed inside, over a long,
difficult, but ultimately very rewarding path of
recovery.
Trying to figure out why your wife acts certain ways
allows you to keep distracting yourself from what YOU
need to do to heal. One of the most difficult lessons I
learned in my recovery was “everything my wife does
is EXACTLY what I need”. This applies especially to
things she does that confuse me, or leave me feeling pain
or fear. Her choices help bring me face to face with pain
I’ve kept buried deep inside. When I ask myself
“why am I feeling so much anguish over her
choices?”, and look INSIDE me, instead of trying to
blame her, I find out some very, very important things
about myself.
My suggestion is try to start letting go of wanting
things to turn out in certain ways. You are at the
beginning of a very difficult journey, and it’s very
frightening at times, but remember that others have gone
through it before you, and are willing to lend a hand
(especially other recovering abusive men in support
groups). Find your higher power, the source of spirtual
guidance waiting to help you find happiness again, and
let her higher power take care of her. Letting go, and
working on your recovery is the highest form of love you
can give her right now, in my opinion. The more you are
able to do so, the more chance you give for miracles to
happen for the both of you. Hang in there.
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