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 Problem with traditional views
on marriage - Ada
I am French but I am working in Malaysia where I am
teaching. Not a long time after I arrived in Malaysia I
met my boyfriend who was one of my students. Now He has
completed his studies and is working as a farm
veterinarian. He is Malaysian but with Indian origins. He
is a very open minded person except on one subject:
marriage and the role of woman and man in a couple. For
him the man should be the leader in a marriage and the
woman should follow. The woman should show total
obedience to the man who is wise enough to be fully
trusted. For sure the man will always listen to his wife
and ask for her advice but the final decision should
always belong to him and the wife will have to follow.
The wife should never show open opposition to her
husband, should never provoke him nor show anger to him.
If you have any problem with your husband control your
feelings and talk nicely to him. Do not demonstrate fits
of anger. For me all of this is very nice but just
theory. I have problems in controlling my feelings and
many times I will explode, something that my boy friend
hates. For him the tone of voice that I use when I
address him is very important. He hates it when I am
being sarcastic or when I loose patience with him. I want
to be a good wife to him because I like him very much and
I am sure he can be a good husband and a good father. He
is a very caring person and has helped me a lot so far.
But I do not know how to be able to adapt myself to his
ideas, something that I would like very much to do 'cause
I want a happy marriage. How can I do? Is there someone
who could help me? Advise me? I know that I cannot change
him because he is very firm in his beliefs (partly based
on some Hindu scriptures) so what I really need is advice
on how to adapt myself not to change him. Thank you very
much for your attention.
 From: Bernd
It is my personal belief that sacrificing our
essential self for another person is self- destructive,
and is a bargain that eventually robs us of much of our
soul. Many different cultures have varying beliefs on the
role of husband and wife in a marriage, but the
destructive ones usually have their roots in feudal or
class systems where the ultimate goal was to have power
and dominance over certain classes of the societies'
members.
Where men usually did the fighting in wars, and as
such, held the weapons and skills to exert life/death
control over others, women usually got the short end of
the stick, often by large measure.
How would you feel if your partner was open-minded
about most things, but insisted slavery was ok? Or
genital mutilation of female offspring, as is the
practice in some cultures? These examples may be harsh,
but the principle is the same - the subjugation of one
class of people by another, under the guise of
"cultural tradition".
Every human being has a mixture of positive, loveable
qualities, and faults. In looking at this mixture, I
think we have to ask ourselves - do their faults include
a mandate to exert control over my soul, body, and mind?
If so, it is our choice how we deal with it, and at what
point we consider those attempts to control unacceptable.
We love a person not only by treating them with
kindness and caring, but also by refusing to co-operate
with choices they make that harm us, themselves, or
others. If we hand a murderer a knife, we are condoning
killing. If we allow our partner to control our lives, we
are condoning a value system that says might=right. That
is the value system our children will inherit, and grow
up in. It is not love. It is something else.
If you believe a relationship with this man is worth
sacrificing yourself for, then that is the choice you'll
make. If however you believe in equality, then you can
remain in this relationship for as long as it feels
acceptable, and refuse to allow treatment as less than an
equal. That is love. If he chooses to accept those
choices from you, then you will both win. If he doesn't,
he will be the one that loses, but we all have the right
to make lousy choices.
Hope this helps a bit.
From: Betty
My husband left me for a woman he met in Asia. Why
does he like the women there so much is the question I
asked him. He said "because men are men and women
are women. The women know their role (obedience) and do
not try to take on the role of a man. For the most part,
the man's decision is respected and not challenged, and
so there is less conflict." Personally, I would not
want to sacrifice my self to be a pleaser with no opinion
of value. I told him that I could change some of my ways,
but there is no way I could compete with sub-surviant
behavior.
From: The Mrs
To those who think that self sacrifice is foolish, I
wonder how they would feel if their mothers or spouses
had felt the same (provided that you come from a
semi-normal family; all families are to an extent NOT
normal). If the mother or spouse was not
self-sacrificing, I can see how one would arrive at these
conclusions. As far as traditional marriage goes, one
must understand that the views on marriage held by a
young man in Malaysia are going to be different than a
young man in Pittsburgh. Just as the views on marriage
for a young lady in New York and one in say, Iraq are
different. They have been raised with different
expectations.
The problem with the open mind theory is that, most of
us have traditions that have been so ingrained in us that
they actually make up our personality. They don't see it
as not being open-minded, they just see it as, that's
just the way it is. I don't have any degrees but I have
been married awhile and I have three children and in my
eyes, one of the basics of being a wife and mother, is
that yes, sometimes my wants are not put first, sometimes
I go without so that my family can have. There is a lot
to be said for being willing to accept that the world
doesn't revolve around my wants and needs but, that I
have made a choice, to allow others (i.e. my family) to
be a part of my life and that I will always do all I can
to see to it that they know I am glad to have them. The
idea that I don't like this anymore (as we are seeing
that most divorces are due to irreconcilable differences)
has taken us into the abyss of children growing up with
only one parent, of men and women carrying bitterness and
anger into second and third marriages (which have an even
higher risk of divorce) not to mention the many other
consequences of not realizing that you are just one of
many and that, yes, you are important but, so are all of
those other people who you touch everyday.
I believe that true love does involve saying that yes
I will say no to myself and put you before me. You see
when you have a true love there is not a fear that your
sacrifice will be abused, you see the opposite of love is
not hate, but fear (check it out in the greek). You see,
it's all a matter of give and take, as you give of
yourself they return it to you. I may sound like I am
rambling (quite possibly I am) but, I do know what I am
talking about. Believe it or not my marriage was not
always good and yes on many occasions because my husband
could not grasp the concept of sacrifice, I was giving a
whole lot more than was being given back but, during that
time I turned to my faith and now the reward is that my
husband has learned, through my example how to love,
there is still a lot to do but, I'm glad that I stuck it
out.
I don't believe that any person should ever stay in an
abusive situation and there has to be boundaries (a good
book on that would be LOVE MUST BE TOUGH by James Dobson)
but when you say your vows if you say them with the idea
that well if it doesn't work out I can get out then, you
might as well not do it at all. If when you disagree your
attitude is then leave (or you leave) then eventually
that is exactly what will happen For out of the abundance
of the heart, the mouth speaks. I got way off the
subject, but my husband left for a three week training
mission (he's in the Army) and I haven't had anyone over
7 to talk to so I just get stupid. OH WELL thanks for
letting me vent!
From: Eva
Hi Ada, I am also French and I also experienced a
relationship with an Indian person for 5 years. We met
while we were students in the U.S. For 4 years, the
relationship was very good although we had to live
separate as he had moved in another city. We had decided
to wait until we both finish our degree before making a
"big decision". He has always been very nice
with me, giving me a lot of freedom, and sharing
responsability of everyday life. I really got attached to
him and I would never had though anything wrong could
happen. When time arrived that we had to make a
"decision" he announced me that his parents
(living in India) had found him someone to get married.
Of course I though he was joking. He was not. Not only he
broke my heart, "kick" me out of "our
place" and told me to go somewhere else, he also
shown pride in being feeling less ("no matter what
happens, always be happy" he quietly told me while
he was destroying few yars of my life). I knew we were
from different cultures, but how did we share 5 years
without any problems? Three years after, I am still
trying to recover from the damage done to the very inside
me. I do not want to make you end your relation because
of what happende to one person (many more actually...),
but remember the importance of the cultural differences.
Sooner or later they will show up and might hurt you a
lot. Think rationally what this relationship means to
you, are your ready to accept it all your life? Do not be
afraid of facing the reality as soon as possible; avoid
being hurt. Good Luck
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