A few thoughts - Bernd

First, thanks to everyone for all their postings and sharings so far. I hope this forum is helping in some small ways.

One of the thoughts that keeps coming back to me as I read some of the postings, and reflect back on my own relationship struggles, is that the hardest thing in this whole "love" safari is our relationship with ourselves. We feel lonely, and hurt, and confused over things our relationship with our partner is or isn't giving us, and keep looking for ways to make our relationship with them better.

My marriage to Lynda can only be as good as my relationship with myself. The less time I take to be kind, playful, loving and good to myself, the more I need those things from her, and the more I lean on her, and bruise her shoulders with my weight in doing so. What has transformed much of our marriage is what we SHARE with each other, instead of "needing" from each other. It reminds me of having gardens. When I tend my own, and give it the attention it needs, God takes care of the rest (I can only help the seeds grow, I can't MAKE them grow, damnit!). The more bountiful my garden is, the more it takes care of feeding me, but also, the more I have to share with Lynda, and others. And vice versa.

It's a helluva lot better than our old ways of having crappy gardens, and then wanting each other to hand over potatoes and tomatoes, when each of us had barely enough in our own garden to feed ourselves. Talk about arguments and battles!

The miracle is that the better my garden grows, the more Lynda just seems to plant the things that mine doesn't have, and vice versa. Sharing has become more fun, and the arguments have all but disappeared. And either of our gardens now has more than enough to feed us both during tough times.

I still have a lot of weeding to do in mine. And every time I look over in her garden and tell her what to weed, another weed pops up in mine! So I've learned to keep my damn eyes where they belong!:) When my garden is perfect, then I'll start telling her how to tend hers. Something tells me tho, that I won't live enough centuries to see that day come.

I learn a lot from her about gardening just from watching her example, and vice versa. You see, the soil under my feet is different in some ways, as much as it is the same as hers. So there's no way I can ever know what works best in her garden, and vice versa. But I have learned a lot of good lessons from her that HAVE helped mine flourish more.

Anyways, that's all for now. Oh, just one more thing. Give yourself a hug, and be easy on yourself today. Lynda said so.:)

From: Wheeler

Thanks for the thoughts it gives me another way of seeing things, and seeing what weeds I need to pull up in my own garden. Is that why my mom has a "GARDENING ANGEL" in her garden?

From: Bernd

The older we get, the wiser our mothers become. *grin*

From: dove

I love this analogy. I am a gardener and I know this is the way to a healthy relationship, but how does a person become secure enough in themselves to explore things on their own? I really want to do things myself, but I tell you, I want a person to do these things with and share my life with.

From: Bernd

Feeling secure about myself is something I know I can't ever fully do - but I CAN make choices that improve (day by day) how good and secure I feel with myself. Treating myself well doesn't mean I do it in isolation. For me, it means not RELYING on my partner as my MAIN source of love, good feelings, and warm fuzzy memories. What other sources do I have? Tons, and tons I haven't discovered yet: nature, meditation, the ocean, friends, my therapist, music, support groups, books, kids, giving out kindness, God, a good joke, a short conversation with a stranger, etc., etc.

My garden doesn't grow by me doing everything. It grows by welcoming anyone who wants to visit, by welcoming the rain as much as the sunshine, by sharing my ideas and feelings with others, and learning from theirs.

One more note. I can't take care of my wife's garden for her. Realizing this has helped me let go of trying to do things that I'd keep failing at. Only she knows the soil well enough to have the "feel" for her garden that will help it grow. I can share my experiences and what others have given to me. I can help her when invited. But in the end, her garden is hers, and if I try to do what only she can do, then I mess up hers, and I let mine overgrow with weeds and die in the meantime.

Did this answer what you wanted?

When I'm on My Own - Damaged Shields

When I am on my own, and doing my own thing, I'm basically a happy person. I'm committed to my work, in fact, work seems to go better when I don't have a bad relationship in my life to cause me stress. It's harder to seperate the stress of my personal life from work when there is someone at home causing me stress. When I'm by myself, then the stresses of my personal life seem easier to deal with, and are actually few and far between. Because it's my OWN stuff, no one else is throwing their 'stuff' at me.

I seem to be more productive when I'm on my own. My mind is free from the pain of recovering from hurtful words/actions, and I am able to think clearly and freely about the things I wish to accomplish. When I'm in a bad relationship, it's seems I'm 'healing' all the time from the last 'blow', and waiting until my heart and mind are clear again, before I can move on toward my own personal goals, even simple things like planning meals, etc... I know that I'm in charge of my own schedule, but it is necessary to heal from being hurt. And how I choose to heal is to take some time for myself, think about what happened, then find a calm, quiet space, and let my own inner light heal me so I can go on. I can handle an occaisional 'blow up', but when it happens more than once a day, then I'm in a state of constant repair. When I'm on my own, I don't have someone there to throw verbal bricks at me all the time, and I'm not constantly in the repair shop, so I get things DONE. My life, my goals, my survival, is all safe and productive.

When I'm on my own, I am able to take quiet times for myself, and do the little things I enjoy, without someone trying to make me feel guilty. I can light candles, incense, and put on some soft music. I can take a warm bubble bath and read a book. I can pull out my drawing pad and work on my art, or I can pull out my guitar and work on some more songs I've been writing. When I'm in a bad relationship, with someone who believes the world revolves around them, then I can't even hear myself think, because my partner is always 'THINKING OUT LOUD'. I'm trying to do my own thing, and having my own quiet time, and in the background is my partner, 'THINKING OUT LOUD', talking talking talking constantly. Or creating another crisis, every day, every night. And if I choose to ignore the crisis, then another crisis is created because I refuse to become involved. When I'm on my own, I don't create crisis, I enjoy and relish the peaceful serenity of my safe and warm home. I enjoy quiet time, I enjoy myself as a beautiful human being.

When I'm on my own, and I feel a bit of lonliness come over me, I seek out the company of my good friends, if I can't over come the feeling of lonliness on my own. My friendships are healthy, and loving. We laugh, we share, we make each other feel good. We boost each others confidence by sharing any stresses that may be in our lives, and sharing different ideas on how to over come those stresses. We confirm each others solutions, by sharing how we feel, and we validate each other's strengths by giving verbal pats on the back for jobs well done. We talk about our beautiful planet, and sometimes go out and enjoy the wonders of mother earth. And we share all these things just for wanting to be with each other, not just because we're having moments of lonliness at times. When I'm in a bad relationship, these types of friendships are percieved as a threat. My partner is insecure, so sometimes I'm accused of doing something devious, when in fact I'm just sharing healthy moments with good friends. When I'm in a bad relationship, eventually I alienate myself from these healthy friendships, so as not to have to experience the pain of being accused of things that just are not true. "keeping the peace" "not making waves" And when I try to make a stand for myself, or defend myself, I'm verbally slapped down for voicing my defense. Then I become constantly defending myself, which in turn creates resentment, which in turn causes me to have to constantly be on the repair, which in turn causes me to become non productive and unhappy.

When I'm on my own, my sexuality is safe. I'm not being made feel guilty for not being 'in the mood'. And the reasons usually for not being 'in the mood' in an unhealthy relationship, is because it's very difficult to feel loving toward someone who is in a constant state of crisis, and/or verbally or emotionally abusive. It's hard to feel loving toward someone who keeps you in a constant state of repair. It's hard to feel loving toward someone who is so self absorbed that they rarely show any concern toward your own life and dreams and feelings. It's hard to feel loving toward someone who is constantly trying to make you jump through hoops to prove your love to them. It's hard to feel loving toward someone who makes the 'list go on'. When I'm on my own, and I feel like I want to be loving toward someone, but I don't have anyone in my life with whom I can share my sexuality with, I can then turn those feelings around and share that love with myself.

When I'm on my own, and I get to a point where I'd like to share my life with someone, I don't expect that person to make me happy, because I know I am capable of making myself happy. ANd that person knows how to make themself happy as well. I want to be in a relationship so that when those moments of needing human contact arise, then the person that I love and respect is there, and I'm am there for them for those moments. ANd during the other times, we are respectful of each others dreams and goals. ANd we even have mutual goals and dreams that we are able to focus on. When I'm in a healthy relationship, we are moving FORWARD, and not wallowing in the muck of the past. Or creating muck where muck should not exsist. And if we each have some moments in our past that are still in need of healing, we don't totally rely on each other to heal the other, we are in the process of healing ourselves, and accepting any extra help the other might offer. WE don't create a pool of quicksand for the other person to sink into, we build bridges. If we have a bad day, we don't create a hurricane at home, so that the other person, who's not having a bad day, suddenly starts having a bad day so we don't feel alone in our sorrow. We accept a bad day as part of life, and show empathy and sympathy, and maybe a hug or a shoulder. We reassure our love and our alliance to each other, and allow any feelings of pain or frustration to come out and dissapate naturally.

When we're in a healthy relationship, we respect each others quiet time, and not percieve it as a threat, because we each have our own need of quiet time, and personal time. We don't stomp around the house, with big 'neon arrows' pointing at us and saying "LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME, THIS WORLD IS ALL ME ME ME ME ME, YOUR THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS DON'T EXSIST BECAUSE THE WORLD REVOLVES AROUND ME ME ME".

In a healthy relationship, when it's time to go to sleep at night, we respect each others need to get comfortable in bed, so that we may peacefully drift off into dreamland. We don't cuss each time the other person moves around, or covers themself up. We don't assume 'something is wrong' when the other person does some deep breathing excercises in order to relax. We don't think that those deep breathes are heavy sighs of frustration. We don't make the other person nervous and feel as though they must be still, and breath quietly so as not to be cussed at or assumed something is wrong. In a healthy relationship, waking up is a slow process to greet the day and stretch our muscles. We don't just start talking to the other person who is still asleep. We don't jolt each other out of a sound sleep by cussing about the fact we have to get up. We respect the fact that how a person wakes up in the morning usually determines what that persons state of mind is going to be during the day.

WHen I'm on my own, I go to sleep happy and comfortable, I wake up happy usually. When I'm in a bad relationship, I wake up dreading what this day is going to bring. What my partner is going to do today, what kind of quicksand my partner is going to throw in my path. In a healthy relationship, I look forward to waking up in the morning, knowing that my partner is respectful of me, and I am of them. When I'm in a healthy relationship, I feel strong knowing that I can overcome any stresses the day may bring. When I'm on my own, I feel strong knowing that I can overcome anything that may be thrown into my path.

Being in a healthy relationship reminds me a lot of being on my own. I'd be happy with either one. A bad relationship brings a little bit of happiness and a whole lot of pain.

A more intense relationship - Damaged Shields

I had a realization today, actually more of an awareness of something deep inside of me, that has probably been the 'fuel' for alot of decisions I've made over the past 34 years (I was going to say 13 years, but realized it goes much farther than that.)

There has been this little voice inside of me all these years that keeps telling me that everyone would be better off if I didn't exsist. That is a strong statement I know. And now as an adult, and through much of my experiences, that I know this voice is not correct in saying such a thing. I am now at a point where I'm trying to figure out WHERE is this voice coming from, and why is this message so negative?

My basic situation is this at this point in my life: My 13 year old son is living with my parents 3500 miles away from me. I know originally I moved away to get away from the chaos and constant crisis and dysfunction happening with my family. Over the past 13 years, the pattern has reoccured 7 times: I stay with my son for awhile, then I can't handle the dysfunction, so I move to a town further away from my family, and my son stays with my family while I'm "getting it together to have him with me". Then when I feel I have it together enough, I send for my son, and after much struggle, my mother gives him up and I move him in with me. While he's with me, then things start falling apart, and mom intervines (or BECAUSE mom intervines things fall apart), then I end up sending my son back to live with her. Then I get all depressed after awhile, mixed in with feelings of guilt, and I total self destruct my entire situation/job/home, and move back to my parents, and the pattern starts all over again. Now the pattern feels as though it's starting again, in the stage where the guilt is sinking in, not being with my son, because I hear stories of how he's being a difficult teenager/child etc... But what's preventing me from moving back is that little voice that says: "they would rather you didn't exsist, and then you can't screw up your son's life anymore" or something like that.

So setting my current situation aside, I'm trying to figure out why I have such a negative message running through my mind. It effects other aspects of my life as well. I have done alot of healing over the years, and have been able to, successfully in the past, push that voice away, and still be able to feel good about myself, and love myself. But now I want to know what the root of this message is. It seems to me if I could finally put an end to the negative message of 'the world would be better off if you didn't exsist', then it would be like a whole new light shining on my life.

Connect, Don't Attach - Kim

A friend at my Coda meeting tonight told us of a phrase that she has just learned whic yhas really made a difference to her understanding recently. She states that we must learn to "connect" with people, but not to "attach" to them. That way we don't have to learn to "de-tach". In other words we plug in with them, but don't lose our own power. If and when we chose to we can unplug without harm to ourselves. If we "attach" we become part of that person and give them way too much power over every little moment of our lives. We cannot then function without them if we must "detach".

Just thought I'd share that. I like it.

The opinions expressed in any responses above are opinions only, and should not be taken as therapeutic
advice or counselling. For professional help with any problem, contact a trained therapist, or an appropriate
12 step or other support organization.
All contents Copyright Relationshipweb.com. Postings may be downloaded for personal or non-commercial use.