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 To: Bernd, et al - Lady
"G"
Well, here I am writing to this Forum again. It's been
awhile due to trying to be self-sufficient after dealing
with my life.
Anyway, you'll never guess what happened? Here I was
trying to survive with just me and my son...and what
happens? Well, you know what they say when an individual
is not looking and that's when they come around?
Exacto-Mundo! I wasn't gonna pursue the relationship, but
there was this "Sign", I don't know if you
believe in signs ( your know, objects or pictures), but
after seeing this guy (I'll call him ML) at a restaurant
during lunch time, I couldn't stop thinking of him...
esp., when my girlfriend pointed out to me that ML kept
looking at me and I didn't wanna look back. I could feel
ML looking at me and so I told my girlfriend that it was
time to go back to work, when ML saw me getting ready to
leave, he walked infront of me and waited at the door for
me, I was trying to look at his name on his name tag, but
I got distracted when he said, "hello, how ya
doin?" and I said "hi".
Anyway, I only saw the first 3 letters of his last
name from his uniform and I wanted to turn back to look
at him again, but he was gone, but the following day...
there was this object that appeared which symbolizes
where he works and the more I thought about him so I
pursued the whole matter. I called his work the following
week ( since he was wearing his uniform, I knew where he
worked), and the man asked me to described him and I gave
the first 3 initials of his name, and the man asked for
my name and phone # and the reason for trying to track
him down, well, I didn't know I was gonna be asked all
these questions, but being where he's employed (law
enforcement) I had to come up with something quick and I
said I wanted to send him a thank you note for protecting
me, then the man asked me the location and time it
occurred.... boy, I was really in big trouble now I
thought to myself.... well, I didn't realize that I was
gonna be so successful because I received a message from
him on my voice mail. I was so scared... why? I've never
done this before, I mean, I look but it's never to a
point to I would actually pursue things.
Anyway, my girlfriend and my sister talked me into
calling back because they said the guy might think I'm
messing around, so I did and he asked me to described
exactly what I needed to send him a thank you note for
and I said "for saying hello to me and smiling at
me", he laughed, and we had a nice conversation over
the phone. He suggested that we should meet for lunch and
I said ok, where? and he said at the same restaurant
where we saw each other. I then asked him if he was
married and he paused and said "yes" and I took
a deep breath then he asked me if I were married and I
said "would I be trying to pursue you"? Then he
asked me if he was too honest about mentioning he was
married and I said well, you should be honest then he was
worried about me not wanting to meet him for lunch
anymore and he said he would understand if I didn't want
to, but added that we can be friends and I said yeah, we
can be friends. Well, the day comes and I chicken out,
but my sister was willing to come along with me to meet
him and when he called I told him I was bringing my
sister and he said we wouldn't be able to talk and I said
we will don't worry.
Well, it turned out that the two of us knew each other
17 yrs ago since he used to be my cousin's college
roommate and we laughed about it. After lunch, we stopped
for coffee and him, my sister and I sat to drink our
coffees and I was very quiet and he said to me "are
you re-evaluating everything now that the family used to
know me back then and you're afraid they might not
approved and I said no, not really. Well, my sister goes
back to her work, and him and I continued our
conversation and he said, if he was happy with his
marriage, he wouldn't try to get to know me. He said he's
been trying to give his marriage a chance but the wife
seems to take him and everything for granted. He said
that she comes home late (10pm) every after work and he
would be home cooking dinner and doing the cleaning and
laundry which he didn't mind, but the thing that got to
him was that one night he didn't have the dinner ready
and when the wife came home, she said "what?, no
dinner ready?" and that's when he finally realize
that he was being taken for granted because the wife got
upset for not having the dinner ready.
He said he's been so faithful to her and trying so
hard to keep the marriage together by understanding the
she's so busy with her work, but he said he's getting too
frustrated. He said that they don't even have any kids
because she's married to her career. Well, he asked me to
join him on Sept. 5 (Friday) because it's his friend's
b-day and he would like me to meet his brother and I said
I already know your brother and he said "oh yeah,
that's right" since we knew each other 17 yrs. ago.
Our friendship bloomed with having lunch and talking on
the phone at work. The night we went out for his friend's
b-day was great and we had fun. My other girlfriend came
to meet with us and she was talking to him about he
better not hurt me because I've gone thru so much with my
life and that if he really likes me, he should leave his
wife and he responded to her by saying "he was very
attracted to me and really cares about me, but we're just
getting to know each other right now and the time will
tell on how things will work out and I definitely agreed
with him.
He recently took me out for my birthday this month and
he brought his brother and I brought my sister since
they're both fully aware of our relationship. We had a
good time. Everything is great, except that he's married.
He's constantly asking me what I want from him, but I
told him that I'm not ready for any 24-7 relationship,
since I've been so hurt by my son's father. We've been
seeing each other since August 22. He's a very caring
person and what I like about him is that he wants to be
best of friends and that's something I definitely didn't
have before with my past. I like him very much, but I'm
being so cautious with my involvement with him for he's
still married and also because I don't want to get my
feelings too involved and this is not because I don't
have a choice, it is because I have a choice. He asked me
if I want him to divorce his wife, but I told him it is
all up to him. I am not here to tell him otherwise for I
am not ready for a full time relationship.
I also told ML that this other guy that I used to go
to high school with which I didn't really recall seeing
at school, wanted to meet me since I contacted him over
the phone for the Class Reunion and the other guy and I
were curious on how we both looked, so he took the
initiative on coming over to my house to meet me in
person. The other guy then continue to call and see me
all the time because he fell for me and when I told ML
about this other guy he asked me what am I gonna do and
if my feelings were mutual with the other guy and I told
him no because I was already seeing ML. He asked if
anything physical happened with this other guy and I said
no and I asked him why? and ML said because if something
did physical happened then he said he wouldn't wanna be
with me anymore and I understand that. He said he can't
divorce his wife now but if things don't work out between
them, he definitely wants to be with me. I told him again
that it's really up to him what he wants to do for he
knows how I feel about him.
You see, I can't really tell him what he should or
shouldn't do because I'm not quite ready yet to be with
him full time, besides it's too premature right now.
We've only known each other now for a month and two
weeks. It's really weird how life is sometimes... things
just happens. I realize that I shouldn't even get involve
with ML since he's married, but the way I see it, it's ok
on my part for I'm not even looking for full time
relationship. My attitude towards this is "if things
work out between us, then I'll seriously consider being
with him full time, otherwise I'm happy the way things
are right now. We get along good on the phone and more in
person. Whenever I start to get snotty with just kidding
around, he gets so serious and tells me not to act that
way because that's the kind of relationship he has with
his spouse. He said he's with me because we're sweet to
each other and that's how things used to be with his
spouse.
So the bottom line here is..... Bernd: what are the
advantage and disadvantage of what I got myself into?
Please tell me......... He's a very sweet man and we
really get along well. Should I set some ground rules
with this relationship? I think it's too soon though.
That's why I am asking you on what I should do? I can't
let it go because I am happy with him. I've also tried to
test ML by giving him a "silent treatment",
which is not calling him or seeing him for a week just to
see if he's not playing around with me, but he calls and
that's when I realize he really does care. Thanks in
advance.
 From: trish
Dear Lady "G", From one woman to another,
your decision to pursue this relationship after you heard
the words "I am married", deeply saddens me.
You are walking backwards into the darkness, not forward.
From: Diane
I agree with Trish, opening your heart to a married
man is a recipe for disaster. Please be very cautious
with this decision! Please know that the disrespect he is
showing his wife reflects on his feelings about himself,
which will eventually affect you and your well-being!
From: Bernd
Lady G, I assume you’re the same Lady G who wrote
the “If only Earlier” posts before? If so, what
you’re going thru right now makes a lot of sense.
The more we beat ourselves up over our past, the more
we need someone outside of us to give us the feelings of
love and caring we’re not giving ourselves. Like
thirsty sailors, salt water begins to look good and taste
good. The hidden pain we’re feeling has a way of
inducing us to rationalize, and make up logical reasons
for what we’re doing, and why. Yet our inner voice
is also constantly tugging at our shirtsleeves, try to
let us know that we are headed toward a swamp as sure as
mice head towards mousetraps enticed by delicious cheese.
As long as you try to find another route to feeling
loved that doesn’t include a truly loving
relationship with yourself, your judgement will be
impaired. A man who appears to be interested in you has
the same power over you as a cold bottle of beer does to
an alcoholic. This isn’t because you are weak, or
bad, or stupid, or any other negative reason. It’s
because a lot of shit was done to you as a child, and
whoever did that shit to you buried it so far inside of
you that nothing you can do on your own will ever help
you find it. It’s only by reaching out, and
committing yourself to a healing process with others who
are going thru similar struggles, that you can begin
finding out where it’s hidden, and how to hand it
over to God, who will help you transform it into a
beautiful, loving garden.
I couldn’t find mine alone, no way, no how. I was
afraid at first I’d find a monster inside. That was
the shit clouding up my vision, and my judgement.
My best guess is that this relationship came along for
a very good reason. And I see these choices. 1/
Recognizing that this married man IS just like salt
water, and making a choice to reach out and begin a true
recovery process that will lead you back to sparkling,
pure water. 2/ Staying on your present course, and trying
to walk the tightrope with this man, and letting the
likely deep pain that’s waiting on the other end
bring you back to option #1.
In my case, I’ve discovered that whatever
I’m afraid or unable to learn by choice, I usually
eventually learn with pain as my teacher. It’s a
helluva motivation for choosing too learn by choice, for
renewing my commitment daily to doing whatever I can to
promote my recovery, healing, and true love of myself.
Hope you get the insights and support you need to help
you find the most loving path for you in this confusing
situation.
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