 Chose between Husband and
Daughter - Misery
Help! I have been with my current husband for 7 years
and I am sick of him telling me to chose between him and
may 12 yr. old daughter. Every time she mouths off I hear
how stupid I am because I don't make her mind. (He wants
me to "warm her ass" but I ground her instead.
I would tell him to go fly a kite but I am stuck, we have
3 other small Children and a very large mortgage payment
that I could not pay on my own. He threatens to take the
children if we split up. I know it's only because he does
not want to pay child support because he is not a loving
father. I suggested counseling and he told me he had a
better idea, "Why don't you and her move the F***
out." If I could provide a home for all 4 of my kids
without him I would, But I have been a stay at home mom
and would not be able to make much more than minimum
wage. What should I do to end his fits of anger towards
my daughter? This is not fair to her either. I consider
her to be a normal 12 yr. old. She does well in school
and has never had to be disciplined there either. She
just doesn't want to take no for an answer and doesn't
jump at every request.
 From: Josie
It is really disturbing that your husband feels like
that about your daughter. Can I ask, is she his daughter
as well or is she a child from a previous relationship
perhaps?...It doesn't sound like your daughter is
indulging in any really way out behavior but perhaps she
is just really going through the typical teenage
difficult stage where kids can be very difficult to cope
with and can even play both parents up against each
other. However I am very happy that you don't hit her as
he suggests as I feel that can only make the situation
worse and she would withdraw from you too. Perhaps your
husband is upset that she is growing up and he is no
longer able to control her. How is he like with your
other children? Did he have a good father-daughter
relationship when she was younger? The lack of affection
between you and him could be affecting her too and
perhaps she feels that you and her need to stick together
against him to protect yourselves.
Whatever it is, it is obviously a most unhappy
situation to be in. Don't fear him saying that he will
take the kids away. I doubt if he would be willing to
parent them constantly for what you say in your letter.
If the need comes for you to have to separate I am sure
you would be able to find a job even if you have been a
'stay at home' mum. If you do break up you will have to
make sure your daughter does not hold herself responsible
for what has happened. It does sound like the love for
him has gone on your part and only you can decide whether
to stay in a loveless and fearful relationship that also
threatens your daughter's happiness or not. My thoughts
are with you and I wish you all the best.
From: Trish
You are in a real tough one dear. I see a woman, with
4 kids, 3 probably under 7 and one almost a 'teenager'
and she knows it. I see a woman who's' mind has to change
gears probably every minute, all day long, in
"5" different directions. A stay at home moms'
job description is too long to list. You have a job, in
which you are not getting no pat on the back for a good
days work and of course you are grossly underpaid.
I see a woman who does not have the opportunity to
slip away, to clear her head and refuel. My 'advice'
would first, can you create that opportunity, to slip off
to maybe the local library, where it is peaceful, to
gather your thoughts, somewhere peaceful, for 'your'
time.
I am curious, what was your marriage like when you and
your husband first married. How did he treat you and your
?5 year old daughter then. If it was good, did things
start to get 'crazy' after the babies started arriving
and all of your time and energy had to be on kids and
home? Misery, I want to tell you, GOOD JOB, dear. You
don't get to 'punch out' at the end of the work day. It
takes a special woman to do what you do, and ESPECIALLY
in this day and time.
From: Josie
I think Trish that you are really 'spot on' with your
answer to 'Misery'. I'm sure she feels completely
trapped. I know what is like to do a full day's work at
home looking after four kids of very different ages and
needs and feel that there is no appreciation at the end
of the day. No real financial reward for it either. Even
if your partner is making money it doesn't feel quite
your own. You either have a joint account and feel you've
lost your independence or you don't and you are with no
money. (Equally trapped, in my opinion) Three of my
children are from a previous marriage and the baby is
from my current partnership of six years. Their ages
range between 17 and 13 months old. Despite knowing how
much he loves us all I still often feel completely pulled
in all directions and it doesn't help when the kids are
told off by him for doing something wrong and they answer
"well, you are not my father!!" Of course they
feel different when we take them on holidays or when he
buys them nice presents. But, I also feel that sometimes
is the other way round when he calls them "my
kids" when they are being a 'pain in the behind'!
The funny things is that when their 'real' father
comes to see them if he needs to tell them off, they say
"well you don't leave with us. Do you...Steve is the
one who looks after us every day!! It is so difficult
sometimes to try and keep the peace in all directions
that I feel like taking the baby with me and leaving them
all to it. I did it once, for one day, without warning
and when I came back they were all really 'pally' with
each other and so nice to me and relieved that I was
back!! He had made them dinner and the house was
sparkling clean...But even that day 'my time' was 'my
time' with a baby....Please, don't get me wrong I dearly
love all my kids and they can be absolutely wonderful
most of the time and so can my SO.... All I can say is
Thank God for this little space in the forum where I can
be myself. (even if most days I end up typing with one
hand and the baby tucked breastfeeding on the other side!
I miss my midwifery very much but at moment I feel so
close to this baby that it would brake my heart having to
leave her to go back to work. I just so wished society
placed more value in the difficult but rewarding act of
looking after our own children. Sorry... to go on and on
I just wanted to say thank you to you Trish because your
answer to 'Misery' felt as though it could have been
written to me today.
From: kim (wolfie)
Dear Misery, I have NO experience with this but I felt
compelled to write to you. I have a very close friend who
I stood by and was there for her as she went thru the
first phase of - I don't deserve this - to taking a stand
for who she was and following her inner voice - for
standing up for herself - for finding strength and
confidence - for listening to her higher power - for her
follow thru with divorce...........she went in the way of
love - self love.
I read your post and I see the obvious - although when
we are in confusion and pain and scared - nothing is
obvious. This is what I see: I see a woman who has
attempted to make the marriage work - who has suggested
therapy - who is being a loving mother - but all attempts
is shoved back in her face - in other words, what I here
your husband say is - leave! I also hear lots of threats
and in my eyes, this is a type of abuse. It looks like he
has made his choice and now he has to deal with the
consequences. What do you want? It sounds like you want
to take your children and leave so..............now what
can you do? You can go within and ask for guidance,
strength and confidence! You can trust that your higher
power will guide you and show you the way - you can trust
that all will work out exactly the way it is supposed to.
You can trust that your guardian angel (higher self,
higher power, whatever) will show you the way and take
care of you no matter what.
You are a beautiful soul who deserves love! You are
beautiful!!!!!!!! I would suggest first off - seeing a
lawyer! What your husband threatens is not the way it
is!!! He is going in the way of fear, not love, using
manipulation and threats. What can you do - choose the
way of love. You can love yourself enough to do what you
need to do for you. You can love your children - you can
love your husband as being exactly where he is but you
don't need to be sucked into his fear. You can go in the
way of love. See a lawyer and find out the facts - the
facts are DIFFERENT than what your husband is
threatening! It really is!!!!!!!
The facts are different Misery - then what he is
threatening - really. See a lawyer and if you can,
connect with a support group and/or therapy for yourself.
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