 Still dealing with things -
Della
This has been such a trying and emotional time for me.
I look inside myself for forgiveness for how I have hurt
my SO and it just doesn't seem to be there. I can't think
of any excusable reason for what I did. All I do is think
of how much I have hurt him and now I feel like I have
lied to him for the last year and a half. Was holding on
and trying to make things work the wrong thing to do when
I knew I wasn't there 100% for him? When I wanted those
feelings to be there so desperately? How is it that when
we really want those feelings to be there for someone
they just aren't? I honestly have never wanted to be able
to commit myself to someone so desperately before. But I
felt so unattached, like I was just coasting. He was
wonderful with my kids, he was funny, he was always there
for me 100% through everything. And yet there was
something missing in me. How can that be? I love him, I
respect him and I admire all he his. He is a genuinely
good person. But something was missing, why?? I know he
challenged my issues and brought a lot of things to light
for me. It would be so easy for me to turn around and say
"let's try again" but I know I would be making
a mistake. I would just end up hurting him again. I guess
I'm feeling that MAYBE if I had tried just a little
longer, a little harder? I'm really having a hard time
understanding WHY?? I wish I could stop crying. Having
kind of an emotional day.......can you tell?
 From: Thinking
Della,,, All I can say right now is I RELATE. I have
just returned home from surgery so I am weak and tire
easily. I need to go back over your posts to update
myself on your situation in order to be able to touch why
the words that I just read has such an impact on me. I
feel as though I am in a relationship right now that I
want so badly to "work out" in a romantic, male
female lifetime way. I know however that right now I am
not 100% committed to the other person. I am unsure
whether the lack of commitment is about him or about me
but I know there are "problems".
I know I need not have the answers today. O know that
the gift of time is the best thing that I can offer to
both of us at this point. I also understand that it is
the dysfunctional part of me that fears abandonment and
being alone that resists listening to the inner voice.
I have already made decisions concerning the pace in
which we were moving and have been able to be honest
about where I am uneasy. (For me it is living in the
world of "I wish it were..." rather than,
"This is how it really is right now>" and
trusting the Higher Power with the way it will be...)
Does any of that make any sense at all????? I will read
earlier postings ASAP and I will attempt to connect in a
real way with the message that I began to receive in this
latest posting of your.
From: Susan
Sometimes life just throws us a curve, doesn't it? I
tried that with my ex-husband, even though our problems
were worse than most folks' are. I just had to do it, I
could never have lived with myself (my conscience) if I
had not tried "one more time". It is just a
thing we each have to decide for ourselves, I guess....
how much time or energy we have to throw into a
relationship that we feel is worth that last effort.
But it was gone - whatever "it" is. I tried
so hard, but I was not committed 100%. I knew no matter
how "right" it seemed at the time, that it was
unfair to both of us to continue "trying" to
make it right. Without that full commitment, whether it
is in your mind or your heart, it is very hard to
continue in a relationship. You can try all you want at
that point, but your needs/wants are not being met, or
the relationship would never have reached a point of
"trying again".
Sometimes it is fear of abandonment, or being alone.
Sometimes is it fear of the unknown, because most of us
cannot see into the future. Sometimes it is fear of
change, or plainly fear of commitment. It is easier to
stay with the "known" than to venture out and
take a chance. And we have a history with the SO, and
that brings us back for the "dream" of what
might be, or could be - instead of the "what really
is".
It is SOOOO hard to make that decision, some folks
never do. They stay with what they KNOW best, whether or
not it IS best for them. I was tempted many times to just
do that. I was so afraid for a long time, afraid of being
alone and scared half to death of the "changes"
that would bring. I had to make my decision, and it was
NOT an easy one. You have my understanding and my
compassion. Whatever is best for you....... take care of
yourself.
From: trish
Dear Della, I read your earlier postings. These words
keep ringing through my ears: "Perhaps I deserved
the things he said......Maybe I am the useless, cold
hearted bitch he says I am." I sighed then with
relief, for you, and your children. Bernd and Wolfie had
wonderful insight to share.
A role player in a relationship is not entitled to
honest feelings. I am not asking you to answer this, but
what brings on the name calling and belittling, when you
are trying to talk honestly about your feelings? When you
are seeking understanding from the one that says 'I love
you"? Dear della, maybe in the morning, re-read your
posts and the replies, and the insightful posting by
Susan. Take your time.
From: Isis
Della, I have just read over your earlier posts and
dear, dear Della....why on earth would you want to stay
with someone that is willing to bring you down like that?
He may be caring to your children but you need to look
out for more than just your children....for without
you,your soul...your children will be lost. They need
their mother to be the best mom that she can be....to be
strong and stand up for herself and for what she believes
in. Della, if this man is willing to call you a cold
hearted bitch....there should be no room for someone like
that in your life or your children's for that matter. You
say that he has given you 100% of himself....100%
shouldn't mean that he needs to take away from any part
of you.
From: wolfie (kim)
Hi Dear Della, I have to agree with what most people
have written to you! What I am hearing in your letter is
GUILT GUILT GUILT! What I feel Della is that those
feelings are natural. We may know intellectually that we
are not responsible for others pain, we are still
affected by it - we are human. Della, let me remind you
what you wrote to us. You said that you searched your
heart and your heart was leading you away from this
relationship. What you are feeling now Della is quite
natural. What Susan said is great - sometimes we hang on
for fear - fear of being alone or of the unknown, or this
or that.
There was a time long ago when I broke up with someone
because I KNEW in my HEART that it was what I must
do!!!!! But it was SO HARD. I felt his pain and I felt so
bad. At times I would agree to meet with him because I
felt sorry for him. But again, my heart was telling me to
leave and I would have to tell him again - and it was
VERY upsetting for Him and for ME. (back and forth) Then,
one day he caught me off guard. I was feeling VERY LONELY
and I saw him. He really wanted to see me and so I agreed
to spend the day with him. My INNER GUT was saying this
is not right! That is Intuition and it is VALUABLE and we
need to Listen to our Intuition - it is the Inner God
guiding us! Anyway, what I did All day long was say -
they will be done - thy will be done - thy will be done.
Well, after spending the day at the beach, and me feeling
terrible because he was getting his hopes up, again
(after saying Thy will be done all day) my higher self
came thru me and spoke words I needed to say. Again, with
the help of my higher self, I told him what I needed for
me and it did not include him in my life. It was over.
Looking back, I realized that going back and forth was
harmful for me and for him. My higher self was trying to
guide me but it was MY FEAR that kept going back. Fear of
being alone, fear of losing what I had, fear of being
responsible for someone's pain and life, fear of not
being loved, fear of not getting what I want, fear of the
unknown, fear fear fear. Sometimes we hang on to things
because it is comfortable - even when it is NOT good for
us - it is comfortable - it is what we know.
Della - I am NOT saying you are doing these things.
Deep down, only YOU know what you need to do. I am just
sharing my experiences and repeating back to you what you
have shared before. What does your heart say?
Now some practical suggestions. Try and stop beating
up on yourself. Again I will say it. Your SO has his OWN
higher self and is guiding him. He is responsible for his
life and has attracted ALL OF THIS into HIS life for a
reason. YOU ARE NOT responsible for his life. He is
responsible for his OWN life and YOU are responsible for
yours. Continue treating DELLA with the love and respect
and nurturance that you deserve. You are enough and ok
and beautiful just the WAY YOU ARE RIGHT NOW! Right NOW
Della, YOU ARE ENOUGH! When you start to have a Beat up
On Della thought, REPLACE IT RIGHT AWAY with I LOVE AND
ACCEPT ME JUST THE WAY I AM - right here and right now. I
AM DESERVING OF LOVE - PERFECT OR NOT!!!!!!!!!!
p.s. Della, When I was breaking up with that guy, what
was helpful for me was - every time I felt lonely and
wanted to call him - to see if he was ok, whatever, I
instead called my sister. My sister and I made an
agreement, that whenever I felt like calling him, I would
call her. And that is what I did. Every time I would call
her, she would remind me of what my heart was saying. My
sister and I are very very close.
From: Susan
Sometimes I just have to play Devil's advocate. If you
walk up to someone and kick them in the knee, are you
responsible for their pain ?? SURE you are !!!! If you
cause pain to someone, you are responsible for causing
it... BUT, after the initial "blow" the other
person is responsible for how they deal with the pain.
Della, that your SO threatened suicide and all that,
is NOT your fault. Even though you "hurt" him,
he is responsible for how HE deals with or accepts his
own responsibility for his pain. Like my earlier analogy:
If you kick me in the knee, I have several choices about
how to handle it. I do NOT have to kick you back, I do
not have to hit you, or call you names. I could ask
"Why" or even just ignore it, rub the "boo
boo" and go on.
He is choosing to ignore his responsibility to
himself. I can say this because I have a tendency to do
the same things. If I hurt someone, I feel horribly
guilty - MUCH TOO LONG. If I am hurt by someone, I let
the pain linger - MUCH TOO LONG. Either way, I know that
I must eventually do what is best for me. I am hoping
that your SO will get to that point soon. Della, our
support is with you... and our love.
From: wolfie (kim
Sorry Susan, We are going to have to agree to disagree
here. I am a BIG believer in being responsible for EVERY
aspect of our lives. In other words, if YOU kicked me in
the knee, then on some level I attracted that into my
life. Maybe a month before - I kicked SOMEONE else in the
knee and it just came back to me (cause and effect -
karma). Maybe I go around saying "I am a worthless
piece of shit and I deserve shit" Maybe that is why
I attracted it in my life. The key is to NOT judge
oneself when we attract situations into our lives - we
Need NOT blame or Judge. We need instead to live in
awareness and then go from there.
I am of the philosophy that even if a brick fell down
on my head, I attracted it on some level. I am of the
philosophy that I chose my parents prior to coming here.
I chose my challenges - I co-created my life on some
level.
I am a student of Metaphysics. I believe that we are
each 100% responsible for our own lives - unconsciously
or Not. And me - I choose to live consciously. I am not
of the philosophy of victimhood. I do not believe there
are ANY victims! Even a child who dies at birth chose
that on some level. Maybe she chose to incarnate for a
very brief time to teach her parents something. Maybe she
is an advanced soul and doesn't NEED or desire to be on
the earth plane but chooses, out of a sacrifice, to be
here shortly to teach her parents something. Maybe she
just wanted to experience earth for a short time. Maybe
she decided that she didn't like it here and decided to
leave the plane.
It is a freeing feeling to finally understand that I
am a co-creator. That I and God are ONE. That we are all
One. That there is Only GOD - this One Mind and we are
All One With it! That consciously or NOT, I am creating
my life. It tells me that - there are NO coincidences.
That I am not a victim of chance or luck. I do not
believe in luck. I choose to be a master of my own
ship!!!
That is why, I believe that If I could LOVE every
single piece of myself - I, too, could love the whole
world. I choose to love murderous people - why? Because
I, too, have murderous thoughts. Because I bet there is a
lifetime in which I have killed. If I could love ALL of
me, I could love the whole world. That is why I believe
it is Self Love we are up to here!
We ALL make mistakes - we are doing the best we can
with what we have. And THAT is the beauty of
relationships. It is SOUL work we are up to when we are
in relationships. Have me be alone and I am fine - put me
in a relationship and I realize how MUCH I don't really
like myself - for IN relationship we get to know us -
because everyone is a mirror for us. Our OUTER reality is
a REFLECTION of our INNER reality. If we do NOT like our
outer reality, then change our inner reality. You will be
amazed that when we change US - the world around us
changes as well. Also, our thoughts affect others. My
higher self spoke to me in a dream and reminded me that
my thoughts about others affects me and them. (well of
course, because we are all one). My higher self reminded
me that my positive thoughts about others, helps them in
a positive way - and it helps me - because as I do unto
others, I do unto me. Thoughts are things. It is energy.
What can Della do? Take responsibility for her life
and do what she must do for her - with Love and with
Integrity (treat others as you would want to be treated).
What her partner chooses to do with it is up to him. She
is NOT responsible for the way he feels - he is
responsible for his life and for his feelings. He too,
created ALL of this on some level.
An example: if I am married to an abusive person, I
can take responsibility that I attracted him on some
level, based on my thoughts about self - he is just
mirroring how I FEEL about self. As I grow in MY OWN self
love, I realize that the LOVING CHOICE for me is now to
walk away. I know that the LOVING CHOICE for me is also
the loving choice for him as well. I am not supporting
him in his abuse anymore and that is the LOVING choice.
I am sorry I am so long winded but this is a
passionate subject for me. I feel we live in a society
where most people believe in victimhood. Most people
would rather CHOOSE to believe themselves as a victim
because then they don't have to look at themselves. I
feel it is the easy way out. Taking 100% responsibility
for ones life (without blame or judgement, but just with
awareness) is more difficult but it is the ultimate way
toward freedom! We are the masters of our own ship. If
anyone is interested in two people who did just that in
their own relationship to each other - check out
"Kenny and Julia Loggins - An Unimaginable
life" It is an incredible book about two people who
are doing just that.
From: wolfie (kim)
Hi Susan, I re-read your post and I think I was a
little too quick to respond. Basically I was responding
to the first couple of sentences you wrote (instead of
reading the whole thing first). Oh well - I ain't
perfect!!!! My apologies.
From: della
Thanks for all of your love and support. Can I tell
you what has gone on with me? Some might think I'm a
little confused........I am. I did some serious thinking
last night.
I lived with this guy (different guy) before I met my
SO. After he left and went back to his family I played
the tough guy and didn't cry, I continued working with
him every day as if nothing had happened between us at
all. The relationship was over except we still had coffee
and he pleaded with me everyday to wait for him. He was
leaving his wife. I didn't believe for a second that he
would and very soon afterward I met my SO. For the first
6 months of our relationship I continued to listen to the
other guy's pleading but would not budge in his
direction. He left town (he had left his wife) but
continued to call every now and then and tell me I should
be with him, etc. Because of a court case that we had to
testify in together I had to see him again. For some
reason I felt compelled to end it with my SO and I did
but afterwards I felt awful and ended up asking that we
try again. Things were pretty rough but we managed. All
the while I have been with my SO this other guy keeps
calling to see how I am. Initially I told my SO about the
phone calls but he always ended feeling like I was
instigating them and I would feel guilty so I quit
telling him. I ALWAYS told the other guy to quit calling
but he didn't. I guess the fact that he never quit
calling me really made it seem like it wasn't completely
over and I really felt awful about that.
To make a long story even longer :), We had to once
again meet for court and I knew it was a do or die
situation. This guy was always in my head. Not in an
"oh I have to be with you" sense. But more
"get out of my mind, I want to get on with my
life". Because I thought of him so much I really
started to feel like I was having an affair in my mind or
something. (these 2 men are complete opposites). Even
though I didn't want him there, he was there. I knew I
wasn't loving my SO the way I should and I wasn't
committed 100%. I wasn't being honest. After seeing B. at
the trial I knew I had to take care of my past (one way
or the other) and I guess I knew I couldn't do it while I
was with my SO. He was already so obsessed with his fear
that I was going to go back to this guy and I would end
up being just like his ex wife.(affairs, etc) So, I guess
I have lied to him by not telling him about some of the
calls and not telling him how this other guy was in my
head, but I knew he would think I wanted to be with him
and that wasn't what I wanted at all. I have had coffee
with B. a couple of times and he would love to jump into
a relationship. I almost could have. But if I listen to
myself and quit looking for someone to rescue me, I
really don't want to be with him at all.
I don't know what it is that pulls me to this guy but
I need to get over it. I don't want to be with him. Right
now I really need some time alone. I feel so tired and
just want them both to leave me alone. I know this sounds
awful and I really feel bad for not being as open as I
possibly should have with my SO. At the time I thought it
was the right thing to do. I knew WE didn't stand a
chance if I told him and I thought that eventually this
guy would leave my head.I guess that was pretty selfish.
I have been so confused over the whole thing and just
seem to go around in circles. I think the best thing
right now is time by myself. I need some peace of mind
and soul. Thanks again for your hugs and words. Take care
all.
From: Susan
Della, yes you are confused - join the club !!!! And
you know what, IT IS OKAY to be confused !!!!! I have
been there, and am still there somedays. I confuse the
hell out of me (and probably everyone around me !) TAKE
the time to "stand on your own" if you really
feel that strongly about it. Only you know what your
heart is telling you.
I chose my recent divorce, subsequent **error in
judgement** and am now choosing to be alone for a while.
There are a couple others here who are making a similar
choice. For me, well, look at it this way; I have been a
daughter, wife, mother and/or many other things for many
OTHER people ALL my life. Never having time to just be
ME, Susan. Find out who I am, what I am capable of
without someone "expecting" me to do something.
YES, it is VERY scary !!! I have no clue who I am,
what I can do, where I can go.... but now that the
initial "strangeness" is over... I am getting a
little excited about it. I am finally FREE, but it took a
while for me to see that - I was too busy calling it
"alone (read that as lonely)". Alone and lonely
are two VERY different words !!!! I prefer to think of it
as "standing on my own". You know what else...
IT IS OKAY to chose that too !!!!!
From: della
Susan, thanks. Isn't it funny how when things go
really wrong it feels like "you're the only one this
is happening to"? It is always such a relief to know
there are people out there going through similar things.
I think I am going to start listening to what my heart
AND my body are telling me........ it's time to take a
much needed break. Time to look after me for awhile. My
SO seems to be coping pretty well now and is actually
taking my youngest daughter to the Stones concert this
week. I'm sure they'll have fun. Thanks again Susan. What
a great place!!
From: trish
Della, My heart is lighter. My heart and mind says yes
dear friend you have made the right choice. You have alot
of mind clearing to do. Also dear, what has happened in
your life, is so very human, and common. I have been
married twice, 6 years each, and single 15 years of my
adult life. I have been there, and have held many a hand
during situations like yours.
I would really appreciate clarifying something I
posted to you last night. I said 'a roleplayer is not
entitled to honest feelings". May I explain. First I
have a dear friend that hopes to be joining 'Our' forum
soon, hopefully by Christmas. (As soon as she gets a home
PC). She, myself, and many lives I have crossed along the
way have been roleplayers.
That is when, man or woman, gets into a relationship,
time passes, enough for the two to get familiar with each
vulnerabilities, then they get used against them. My
experience (your past posting on dealing with guilt) with
my second husband, first he was a physical abuser, I hid
it from everyone for a long time (MY PRIDE), anyway,
being the outspoken, honest person I am, I would attempt
to discuss our relationship. I don't know how to say this
simply, so I will trust you will understand. First it
started when I wanted to back off, be friends, he's lose
it, his words would go somewhere off in a different
direction. After the ring was on my finger, then he got
ugly, you know, where it hurts: my kids, what kind of a
mother I was, my job, my self-respect. No rhyme or reason
to what he was saying. It's mind boggling, when this
becomes your day in, day out life, to "keep it
together", we start to play a role, we keep our
mouths shut, we are made to feel as though we are not
entitled to feelings except for him/her. I know I'm not
alone on this. To create a clearer picture, the other
person will prolong the agony of accusations, to the
point where all we want is peace.
Anyway Della, I hope you hear what I'm saying. I was
so afraid you were going to settle and become lost. Bless
you dear one, take your time, and clear it out.
From: Isis
I have to agree with Trish and her comment: "No
rhyme or reason to what he was saying. It's mind
boggling, when this becomes your day in, day out life, to
"keep it together", we start to play a role, we
keep our mouths shut, we are made to feel as though we
are not entitled to feelings except for him/her."
I did that (and probably still do to some extent) with
past relationships. It is a very hard thing to leave that
"role" if you have been used to it for a long
time. I know....I'm sure that we all do. What I want to
say and I'm sure that most of us here at the forum would
say...is that we are all behind you in whatever you
do....just make sure it's what's good for you...take care
of yourself first...sometime it will have to be FOR DELLA
not for everyone else.
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