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 Recovering from affair, but not
really - rose
I am trying to recover from an affair during which my
husband of 15 years fell in love with a co-worker. He
told me they were "just friends" (when they
were in love), broke it off supposedly, but then I
discovered love letters to her, broke it off again, but
claimed he "had" to keep in contact with her
for business reasons. He was never able to completely
break contact with her. This all happened over the last
2. 5 years. He is still in contact with her and says he
can't cut off contact. I am so hurt by all the lies and
deceit- he says he wants me to trust him now, that it
really is all over, but I feel as if it will never be
over for me until he does break off contact with her once
and for all. Am I wrong to feel like this?
By the way, we went through 2 years of counselling and
our marriage is much better than it ever was before. But
I am so angry that he can't break off contact with her-
why can't he understand my feelings? I am sick of having
my nose rubbed in it from the way they are still working
together.
 From: Bernd
Lynda and I went thru a very similar struggle, which
lasted for close to 2 years, so I can identify with the
on/off/on yoyo you’re trying to cope with. A little
reality check here. Unless he’s forced by threat of
shotgun to work with this woman, the word
“won’t” is truer than
“can’t”. If his job position is one that
involves contact with her, than he also has the choice of
quitting the job, once he finds a new one. No matter what
arguments he may have for NOT finding an acceptable
solution, the bottom line is our choices are a pretty
good reflection of what our priorities are.
My reading is that your hurt and anger are right on
the money. He is asking you to trust him, but doing so
means you would have to mistrust yourself, and your own
gut feelings. This to me, is what makes affairs so
devastating to us - the need to mistrust ourselves, in
order to trust our spouse.
You may find that acknowledging your true pain and
anger may be so overwhelming, you want to end things.
I’d recommend finding a DIFFERENT solution to
handling that pain and anger. If you can afford it,
definitely check out individual therapy. You need help
sorting out the storm inside. I sure as hell did. Also,
the more of a support network you can build for yourself,
the more healthy ways you’ll find of easing your
pain, and having safe outlets for your rage and anger.
Leaving or staying is a very individual choice, and
only one you can make. What I’ve found is that
“walking” away gives us a much better chance of
coming out of a situation without a lot of open wounds,
than running away. I “walked away” from our
marriage for 2 months, but tried to “run” away
many, many times over the first 2 years that all hell
broke loose. I was finally able to walk away knowing why,
and with a solid feeling of calmness inside. The
“why” was because I finally realized I needed
some time alone, to REALLY sort out where my soul was
trying to guide me, and why. If I had managed to run away
before, chances are we’d be divorced right now, and
I would have never have discovered the miracles that
awaited me, and us.
I’m going to repeat what my therapist told me
many times, during my initial stages. Let him go. Let him
find the truth of what he is doing to himself, in his own
time, and the way he needs to. He is robbing himself
big-time, but doesn’t realize it yet. Letting him go
doesn’t mean freeing him to continue hurting you; it
means stepping back a bit emotionally, so that everytime
he moves his foot, it isn’t squashing yours. It
means learning how to trust your inner voice in ways you
never have before, without allowing his choices to keep
interfering with that connection inside you.
Lynda’s and my work in dealing with each
other’s affair(s) almost sent us both off the deep
end, but in both of us working thru it, we built whole
new foundations of healing inside each of us, that is
paying of in immeasurable ways now. Like your husband,
Lynda found it very difficult to break off her
relationship with her “friend”. In hindsight, I
now realize that the timing of her recovery and mine - as
different as they seemed to be at the time - were exactly
what they needed to be. God has a way of making music
that sometimes we don’t understand til much later.
Like a guitar, sweet music doesn’t always happen
when 2 strings are played together in harmony at the same
time. Sometimes, a song comes from one note following the
other...after a long pause. Hope some of this helps. Hang
in there. We made it. It’s a tough, long haul, but
so can you.
From: rose
Thanks, Bernd, I really liked some of your
images...like backing off emotionally a bit and letting
him figure out (whenever) what he is doing to himself.
From: mzet
my wife (soon to be ex) had two affairs over the past
14 months. both were devastating to me. but it was
precisely that devastation and its associated pain and
suffering that brought me closer than ever before to
myself. i now have a level of peace and happiness that i
thought was impossible to obtain.
the first lesson i learned, therefore, is that affairs
are not only about the "offending" party, but
also about the "offended" party. try to find
out what the affair says about you. for example, why are
you so hurt by it? why is your happiness so dependent on
him? the answers to all of those questions are inside of
you. don't point fingers at him. it's
"pointless". :)
now the practical stuff. we are all called to love
unconditionally. part of my own spiritual journey was to
learn about love and live by it. but there comes a point
where that unconditionality can border on encouragement
because the person having the affair does not experience
the consequences of the choices that he or she makes. to
love the offending spouse also means to be emotionally
able to create the space needed to make sure that those
consequences are felt. it's not that you stop loving
them, but that you recognize that the responsibility
cannot continue to be taken away from them by your loving
understanding. there is very fine line here, but a line
nevertheless.
in my own case, it meant to prepare myself emotionally
for a separation or divorce via the first lesson above.
that separation is giving us the space we both needed. it
was only my insistence on a separation that finally made
my wife WANT to leave her lovers. in your case it will be
different. only you can tell.
the second lesson i learned, therefore, is space. let
go of him and give him space.
finally, he is giving you and himself excuses for not
wanting to break his relationship with his lover. if he
is serious about you, he should find another job. period.
if he is not willing to quit his job, what is that
telling you about what he REALLY wants? he wants the best
of both worlds: his lover and you. and for two or three
years, he has been managing both worlds. nice work. if he
is not breaking off the relationship he probably can't.
affairs are like an addiction. but an inability to break
off an affair (i can't do it) is NOT an excuse for not
WANTING to break it off. you need to be clear on that. if
he wanted to, he could get the help (counseling,
religion, family support, etc.) to do it, just like
alcoholics and drug addicts do.
the third lesson i learned was that affairs are
addictions. make sure you are not supporting the habit.
the final lesson is that people change themselves. you
can't change him. i couldn't change my wife. you can only
change yourself. i changed myself as a result of this
mess, and for that i am a better human being, a better
lover and a better father. by changing yourself, you
offer your spouse a glimmer of hope. eventually your
spouse will want the peace you have. that doesn't mean he
is going to chose you. but it means he may find his own
way to peace when he hits bottom. if that way includes
you, you should be happy. if it does not, you should be
just as happy, or you have not learned lesson one above.
take care. i wish you well.
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