 Virtual love - Lilly
Well, here's a long story, hope you all care to read
on and give you ideas and comments... I met a man in a
chat forum... etc. etc....we hit it off from the
beginning, we seemed to have the same views on issues
important to us, we shared alot of friendship, and
amazment in each other. Well, we are both married. At
first it was friendship and a feeling of a bond between
us that was one of those rare ones. Well, as things
progressed our spouses were not happy with the
relationship. Both spouses didn't like our friendship
from the beginning although we had friendships before
with other chatters, but of course this was different,
feelings of a strong attraction to each other from the
beginning.
Well, things went on and we tried to talk with the
spouses and cut down on time spent with each other. My
husband was very upset, but as time went on and we talked
and I expressed how important he was to me , my husband
became more understanding. On the other side his wife was
not understanding at all. After only oneand a half to two
weeks of chatting, she was threatning to leave him. Well,
this sent any understanding between them to a stand
still. And we would onlty talk when she was out. Well, as
things progressed we had stronger and stronger feelings
for each other and sent photos and talked on the phone
some... and of course as you may have guessed love
bloomed. Well, this was a great thing... but also a
predicament....we comtinued chatting and such and decided
we wanted to meet. This sent things to a whole new stress
and anxiety level for us both I think. We talked of it
alot. And as our feelings went from wanting to and then
thinking it's not a good idea, well, it proved to be hard
to deal with....Recently his wife found out about us ...
about our strong feelings. She wanted to leave him, but
he has decided to cool off our relationship to examine
what he wants. He feels that he couldn't just leave her
without trying to work things out and relly seeing if
they could or could not work these things out. And I
agree that is something which needs to happen. I am
fairly sure also that he feels that he would be happy
with me but that may not happen so if not then he would
rather forget about me to ease the pain. I want to
continue our relationship, he is too important to me to
not want that. But I am willing to give him the time and
space he needs. I guess I just want feedback as to what
others feel about this situation, since most who don't
know of cyber love don't understand..any thoughts would
be greatly appreciated.
 From: barry
dear lilly... your husband sounds like he's extremely
understanding or is there more to what's going on that
you haven't mentioned? giving your VT lover the space he
needs sounds like the best approach... for both of you?
having been down the road your on... i know a lil' of
what your going through only i bailed out of working
things out with my SO of 5 years last October
regretfully... severely depressed at the state our
relationship was in at the time i immersed myself in a VT
relationship with a young woman almost half my age... and
in another country... talked things over with my wife
when she guessed i was troubled by our situation... i
wasn't coming home at all... and we'd only just had a
beautiful baby boy in July of same year... to make
matters worse my SO had a difficult pregnancy (symtus
pubus - a premature softening of the cervix) and then on
top of all this was diagnosed with a major skin cancer in
her upper right arm early October... to cut my story
short... our relationship had polarised round 'sex' and
lack therof... we'd discussed the situation a few months
after the birth once my SO had recovered from the birth
and i was told she'd give me headjobs to put me out of my
misery... think that happened twice from memory... and
the second time i didn't want a bar of it (no pun
intended)... more depression followed... VT relationship
got more and more out of control...
sat down with SO and discussed our relationship once
again... from my POV we'd always had a fantastic sex
life... it was the one thing that always seemed to bring
us closer together... i realised after that it was also
one of the major time i communicated with her and as a
result i was heavily dependant... needed... even craved
making love sometimes (what a sicko huh?) the crunch came
when she told me she simply didn't feel like sex
anymore... hadn't really for the last couple of years...
was probably a factor in her getting pregnant i later
realised... she became totally obsessive about getting
pregnant... esp. after losing our first child in a
miscarriage after 8 weeks... "take or leave it"
i think were her final words on the matter... i wished to
god for my son's sake and possibly hers now... that i
hadn't been in that VT relationship... it clouded my
better judgement considerably... i stopped listening to
that lil' voice inside me... the same one that was
screaming "what are you doing? you have everything?
your throwing all that away?"
my only advice without knowing the full details of
your own relationship is take time out for yourself and
then with your SO(if that's still possible?) and listen
to that lil' inside?... listen to your heart? mind you
i'm about to jump in a plane and fly half way around the
world again... only this time i've had some 'time' to
look at myself and maybe realise what i really want? i
won't know fer sure if i've found it until i meet my VT
love RT... annd we've already had some issues to deal
with so far and we haven't even met yet?? see my VT to RT
posts... Bernd and others here at RSG helped me through
some really rough patches.. still do!! good luck huh?
From: wolfie (kim)
Hi barry!!! Thank you so much for sharing. I'm sure
your words and experiences are a great help to many many
people. I know this is none of my business but I am
curious. Have you actually gotten the divorce? Have you
considered trying to get back together? Just curious - if
none of my business, just let me know.
From: PD
Lilly... I can relate very well to your story...been
there, done it! I too fell in love with a man...from a
chat room. It started as a simple friendship, and grew to
a MONSTER! I met this man, fell deeper in love, and then
left my SO other Twice, so I could be with this man. It
was a great feeling at first, and then the guilt set in.
Or I thought it was guilt. The feelings I had for this
man were and still are, very real. But what I have
learned from this experience is that in actuality, I was
running away from my own problems. I thought what I was
doing was the "right" thing, and that I had
found the "Love of my life". Actually, it was
just the beginning of discovering how screwed up I really
was. I have realized that I really do love my SO, and my
running away and not facing my problems would have been
more detrimental in the long run than staying there
facing them. I have not moved back in with my SO yet, but
will soon. I ran to him, hoping to fix all of the unloved
feelings I had. That is what I wanted, was to be loved
more than anything in this world, and at the time my SO
could not give that to me.
The man I met did everything to give it to me, but
even then I felt guilty of taking it from him too. That
is when I realized there was alot more to this than met
the eye. I was not being honest with myself. I was
looking for something I would never find somewhere else.
It had to be found within ME. To make a long story short,
and as Bernd would say...it was a dishonest relationship
from the very beginning. How can one build a true
relationship on dishonesty? I am doing alot of "Soul
Searching" and realizing the relationship with my SO
was not as bad as I thought it was, but I had to find
that out for myself. It was because I was only trying to
see the bad things in it, and then those are the things I
dwelled on. I became miserable with myself and everone
around me. If you are not happy in your present
situation, you need to take time out for
YOURSELF...without relying on someone else to try to fill
whatever is missing in your life. Try to figure out what
you really want....and need..without the clouds from
someone else. I know I am rambling..but those are my
thoughts. Hope this helps...
From: mzet
PD, when and how did you figure out you really loved
your SO? give the gory details.... :)
From: PD
I ALWAYS knew I loved my SO mzet....I never stopped
loving him. I just stopped liking him. I did not like his
ways, and especially the way he belittled me. But...the
one thing I learned, is that I have to tell him what I
need. Women mistakingly think if a man loves her, she
should not have to communicate her needs to him. That is
a very wrong assumption. After he and I read the
Mars/Venus book, then we both realized what our roles in
a relationship were. My lover gave me those things
naturally. Some people have to work at it. I am not sure
that I answered your question, but I hope it helps.
From: kim (wolfie)
Here are my views on cyber love, I feel it CAN be a
great place for people to escape into - can be another
type of addiction (if we allow it). I feel it CAN draw
many many people who fear commitment and/or intimacy -
you see, cyberlove is safe in many different ways
especially for people who have a hard time dealing with
relationships, in one way or another.
I am NOT knocking cyberlove. How can I? I met my
partner on the internet. I met him in 1995 (him in
Pennsylvania, me in Boston) and in Oct of 1995 he moved
in with me and we have been together ever since. It was
blissful and I have memories to last a lifetime but the
ACTUAL being together, living together and sharing our
life together can be a lot of hard work. (I have always
had a subconscious intimacy/commitment issue) But we are
committed to working on our own individual issues and for
us, that means staying together.
As most of us know, relationships can be hard work -
it is actually soul work which we are up to - for
relationships are always mirrors for us. When things
start to get difficult and we have a hard time dealing,
affairs happen - online of offline. As I have shared
before, I see NOTHING wrong with meeting others online -
it can be wonderful and beautiful - I have first hand
experience and I know of others who have also had
wonderful experiences. Also, every experience in our life
is valid - we learn so much from all of our experiences,
regardless if it is online or offline.
BUT, I also see that it can seduce us so easily - all
we have to do is connect onnline and we can be in touch
with millions and millions of people and attractions and
connections are bound to be made. That is the beauty!!!!!
But there can be problems as well - especially when we
forget what is really important to us.
This is hard for me to explain. I guess what I am
saying is that with all of my experiences, I know my self
destructive patterns. When a voice inside me tells me
that "I could be happier with.....", I know I
am falling into a trap. The truth is No One can make me
happy. No one. My happiness is my responsibility and when
I run into problems, I try to work thru them. I know my
patterns so well that I can actually SEE what would
happen, if I followed a voice like that to run my life. I
would end up - eventually - being miserable again.
I know for me, that I have looked for the perfect fix
to make me happy. If it isn't this then it is this - well
it isn't this, it must be this - no, not this, it must be
this. I have gone around in circles chasing happiness
externally. What I have found, though, is that this
doesn't work. My happiness comes from within and if I run
into problems, pain, confusion, I try to go within and
work on changing me. I try to connect with the God within
and allow the God within to fill me with inner peace,
love and happiness.
This is just me!!!! Totally!!!! We are all on our OWN
path and we all need to do what we must do. I know that,
for me, it took a lot of experiences before I started to
even see my patterns. We all have to do what we must do.
If we quiet ourselves, meditate, and listen to the inner
voice, we will be guided. For we are all on our own
unique path - no path is the same. All we can do is share
our own experiences. That is what I have attempted to do
here. What should you do? I have absolutely no idea!!!!
But I Do Know that you will be guided and led. Life is a
trip!! An incredible experience.
From: Bernd
Wow PD...your words were very inspiring. I know
they'll be days when everything will seem so confusing,
but hang in there during such times. I found turning
things around in my life was like trying to turn a
super-tanker around...it just seemed to go soooo slowly.
But inside, I knew my choices had really boiled down to:
taking whatever time it took to change direction to
follow my REAL internal compass, or keep heading towards
mirages that seemed like magical oasis, but actually
tricked me into crashing into the rocks, again and again.
I got sick and tired of the mirages-to-rocks enough to
try the first choice long enough to let it work. As hard
as hitting bottom is, it's also a real blessing...as much
as I hated it at the time. I hope you get the support and
encouragement you're looking for here in the days, weeks,
and months ahead.
From: kim (wolfie)
Congratulations PD on your inner discoveries. That is
what it's all about isn't it? Much Love to you PD and
Congratulations. Pat yourself on the back! Look at
yourself in the mirror and say "I love you - you
really are hey ok" You really ARE loved and you are
doing a DAMN GOOD job!!!!!!!! Your soul is evolving and
flying.........
From: barry
dear kim... attended marriage counselling for about 4
months earlier this year... by myself i might add! *sigh*
my SO did and still doesn't want to attend any form of
counselling... still hanging on to her anger and hate...
says it's all that keeps her together... can't look at
counselling or she'll fall apart and can't afford that
for our son's sake??? she tells some of our mutual
friends that she hates her isolation (a small country
town 3 hrs drive from here) hates being lonely... misses
her friends... same friends have told her i still love
her (i've told her same in person and in letters to no
avail) ...her response from memory was... "he
doesn't love me!! ...he only ever buys things for his
son! never buys me anything!" ... when i asked her
last weekend if she'd ever consider working things
out...her reply was "No! i've been hurt too
much!" "the last 12 years of my life have been
a complete waste of time... the worse years of my
life!!" i hung up on that note thanking her for her
thoughts... in the mean time she's been trying to find
out who it is i'm sleeping with as i started telling i
met someone a few weeks ago... she cut me off saying she
didn't want to know... her exact words were something
like... "i was wondering how long you
"little" dick would last!!" my response to
that one was that i didn't think i deserved that... i
didn't feel it neccessary to elaborate any further...
like i haven't even met this person that i;m supposed to
be boinking... that she lives in another country, etc,
etc... *sigh* she has a lot of stuff she doesn't want to
look at... i've tried to help her... for both our sakes
and our son's but she won't even try... nothing i've done
or said... has helped!! i've moved on as much as i love
her... like only the other night i came to the
realisation i'd nver come "home" to her ever
again... felt a great sense of loss but at the same time
felt i should be moving forward... enjouying myself.. my
life... being happy...having fun... i realised about a
month ago that what's best for me is best for my son...
if i'm always happy then tit stands to reason that he'll
grow up being happy... i'm tired of my SO moral
superiority.. flagellation... guilt trips... i only see
my son on the weekends... i think that is enough
punishment to have to endure... i'm over blaming
myself... i just wanna be happy and perhaps i've found
someone who may or may not contribute to that
happiness... the future's not set or is it? who knows?
down i go along that that "road less
travelled"... taking risks... giving up the old...
letting go of my fears... doubts...all that stuff.. it
feels great just to be alive!!! *smiling* does that
answer your question?
From: kim (wolfie)
Hi Barry, I would say that yes, that answers my
question :-) Best Best wishes on your journey of your
soul!!!!
From: Isis
Lily, Wanted to say that I agree with Kim.Virtual
relationships can be a wonderful thing (met my SO online
too) but actually having a "Real life"
relationship with them is quite a bit different than I
had ever imagined. But it takes one day at a time (we are
living together now and it's much more difficult than I
thought it would be, but we are working on our
relationship every day and I have faith that things will
work out) .
I have a question for you though.....your husband,
does he know how serious you and your "friend"
are ? Are you still with your husband? I think that
giving him space is a good thing for all parties
involved.Most importantly I think that you need some time
to find what's important to you. Good luck to you!
From: Lilly
First off let me say THANKS!! to all for responding.It
is such a big help to hear all the views from all of you.
Well, I know that I gave a short overview of the
situation at hand.Thanks for also giving me Questions to
think of.I am still with my husband and he knows that my
friend is very important to me.He does not know of the
romantic type of love I feel for him though.My friends
wife does know of his feelings.My husband is a great
person and wonderful husband.I guess i got in deep with
my friend before I knew the implications it could bring.
I don't want a divorce, I guess I am being very selfish
in what I want.I know it can't go on without something
giving.As is happening with my friend.But also I value my
friend and our bond so much and don't want to lose that.
It is such a hard thing to deal with.I guess we both
don't want to lose each other,so I think at this point we
feel that if we end contact we can forget about the
feelings.Although, I don't think that will ever happen.
I think we were brought together for a purpose or
reason, I guess we will just have to wait and see what
that is.I know that finding someone that you have such a
connection and bond with comes along rarely , and it's
hard to let that go. I guess there are no easy answers
and whichever direction things go it will be hard.But I
also believe that to learn important lessons, well,the
most important lessons are tough to learn.But worth it:)
I read about the little voice inside....and my voice nags
at me to not end it with my friend.It's there saying he
is important for your life...in what way I'm not sure
yet.Well, I will continue to think on the situation and
see what happens.I know I don't want a divorce
though.It's so confusing.Well, Once again many thanks to
you all...what a great place this truely is:).
From: rose
Lilly- I've been down this internet love thing...and
gotten lots of counseling about the whole matter. What I
learned is that the qualities that attract you so much in
your friend are things that you are missing in yourself
or your life. For example, if you have a cyberfriend who
makes you feel completely accepted and safe, then this is
telling you that you need to work on accepting yourself,
or helping your husband to find ways to express more his
acceptance of you.
Think about what it is that you value so much in your
cyber friend, and what it is that would make it so hard
to give up communication with him. That can be a road map
to working on whatever you feel is missing in your own
life. You can then work on cultivating those missing
things in your own life, with the REAL people around you,
or on your own. Hope this helps.
From: Susan
You know, I know this sounds really strange coming
from me... considering all the crying ans screaming I
have done on here lately; But the cyber-friends are REAL
people too,with REAL feelings, and REAL needs, and REAL
dreams. Why does it seem so easy to forget their
feelings? They are no less "real" than the
persons posting to this forum, whom we have never met,
never seen and in most cases have never spoken to.
This is not to say I agree with every decision made in
a cyber-relationship, by every person. But who are we to
so totally discount their feelings in these situations?
Just askin'..............
From: rose
Here is the way they are not REAL: in a cyber
relationship, (as in any long distance relationship, but
especially so in a cyber relationship) the participants
can present themselves anyway they want, at a time
convenient to them, when they are in a good mood, when
they aren't all sweaty from hard physical work, when they
aren't experiencing PMS and feel like being crabby, or
when they have been with the kids all day in the rain and
just feel like screaming with frustration, or the carpool
arrangements haven't worked out and they have to be asked
to disrupt their own plans to help, but a REAL mate has
to deal with all of this and more on a daily basis. That
is what I meant by a cyber friend being not REAL. Perhaps
it was a poor choice of words, but I think you see what
I'm getting at. Just my 2 cents.
From: Susan
Rose, I agree, and yet disagree. In any
"dating" relationship, a person always put
their "best foot forward". How is that
different ? Or is your ONLY concern those persons who are
married and having Internet Relationships ? If so, what
about single people "meeting" on-line.
I, many years ago, dated a man from my church. He was
great, very involved in the church and community. Admired
and respected by the congregation in general. Always
there for Bible study, always agreeable to be on
committees. Just the "all-round" nice Christian
guy. Well groomed, very handsome, patient, good with
children and dogs. And raped me on our 5th date. Do we
ever know anyone????
From: PD
Lilly, I know of the bond you are speaking of. It is
like a soulmate feeling. Someone you connect with almost
spiritually. I DO understand those feelings...very well.
I believe there is a reason for everything that happens
in this life. It was one of the hardest things I had to
do..was to leave the "soulmate" I had found. I
still cry over it, and probably will for a long time. I
also believe, that what is meant to be..will be. Things
happen to us in our life, sometimes to make us realize
certain things, and to make other things happen. What
those things are...well, I think we just have to take one
day at a time, and deal with whatever that particular day
deals us. As long as you can be honest with
yourself....at ALL times...then you will be rewarded for
your efforts. I hope you can find what it is your looking
for...
From: Lilly
it seems you understand my situation a great
deal...thanks for the heartfelt advice,it really helps so
much{{{{PD}}}}Thank you.I guess at the end of this I Will
have realized many things about myself and life too.I
trust that no matter what happens I will come out
stronger than before in what ever form it may be.Thanks
again.Be well:)
|
