 The pain of dysfunction -
Claudia
Hello My Friends... I am very much affected by the
pain caused by dysfunction. As many of you already know,
I am in the process of divorce after 17 years of
marriage. My spouse is an injured child who has made the
choice to stay in that pain and separateness.
Myself... I am an injured child. Through grace from a
Higher Power I was given the opportunity to seek healing
and wholeness 8 1/2 yrs. ago beginning with the program
of AA. I have two children... a son age 17 and a daughter
age 14. Both of them have been affected by the
dysfunctions of my husband and myself... I am working one
day at a time to do what I can to heal that pain, both
for myself and for my children.
I have been physically separated from my spouse for
over a year, I slept in the other half of our home which
is a duplex for the year before I left. The separation
had been ongoing in our relationship much longer than
that. Funny as it is... the healthier I became, the more
frightened and sick he became. The pain of dysfunction
serves to push one toward healing or deeper into the
disease. I am very grateful that I chose and continue to
choose the path of healing.
My current experience with the pain of dysfunction...
I have been in relationship with a truly wonderful man
for a year now. I met him after I had been out of my home
for 3 months. We connected with one another in many areas
that came from places of shared pain and hurt. I have
learned much in this year... the most important lesson I
believe is that I must believe in myself and my ability
to love and be loved to offer and receive the beautiful
gifts that come from human relationship. The key is the
ability to love one's self I think. Not in a proud or
selfish way but in a humble and selfless way. Sound like
a play on words? It is not. It is built on an awareness
that to be human is to be imperfect. To be in
relationship is to be in union with other human beings
who are also imperfect. Allowing for one another's
shortcomings and embracing yet challenging our own, we
are offered an experience of love that is truly
ineffable. Because of dysfunction, it is possible to find
the self loving another who has not allowed themselves to
be fully human, therefore imperfect. One who sees
humanness as a curse. The battle that ensues when
separated from the power of self forgiveness is hard. To
be unable to forgive the self is to live in a world of
black and white that builds walls of protection around
the heart. Walls that keep out the love that is so
desperately sought. The real irony is that it is only
love that can penetrate these walls. Love offered without
expectations of return. Love very seldom experienced in
the human heart. When two hearts touched by this love
connect the potential for self and other growth is
incredible. When one heart meets another that allows only
those parts of the self that are perceived as
"perfect" in, the relationship resembles
plastic fruit. Lovely to look at but devoid of the life
giving energy of shared humanness.
It is where I appear to be... in relationship with a
man that because of deep fears of more pain has shut
himself away from the truth of who he and I are...
Imperfect human beings, worthy and deserving of love. I
needed to write this in order to help myself express what
is seeking to come to my conscious mind. I am called to
examine myself and my ability to trust in the power of
unconditional love. As I said earlier... the man that I
have been gifted to love is a wonderful human being...
warts and all!!!!! It is my prayer that he is able to
open the doors of his heart to the perfect love of his
Higher Power and the imperfect but committed love of this
woman.
Thank you for hearing me. Any insights or thoughts
that may come from reading my words is welcome and
desired. Thank you for seeking wholeness... I believe we
arrive at that destination as we bring our broken pieces
together in love.
 From: Bernd
Claudia, I’m discovering many parts of myself
inside, including scared parts. If I try to get
“rid” of those parts of me because they
interfere with my happiness, what I’m really doing
is rejecting parts of myself, which is the opposite of
loving myself. It’s an unwinnable battle, as
I’m finding out.
Part of my problem is that I keep bringing out my
crystal ball, predicting that if I let the panic come to
the surface, it will overwhelm me, and drive away Lynda.
I think that “prediction” is based on the
memories of people that DID abandon me - or threatened to
- when my turmoil threatened to make them aware of THEIR
turmoil.
It sounds as if your SO is getting in touch with deep
seated panic he’s been able to suppress so far, but
in a struggle to try and push them back down -
unsuccessfully - which would create further panic. This
struggle in him is confusing you and scaring you.
Here’s where the mirror comes into play, I think.
Take quiet time alone, and try to get a picture inside of
which Claudia is scared, and how old she/they is/are. To
truly understand their fears, you have to let yourself
FEEL them first. That is very hard, but very worthwhile.
Don’t try to ease their fears, because that sends
the message their fears aren’t ok. It’s
rejection. Sharing their fears and feeling them is the
greatest balm you can give them - it’s empathy with
hidden parts of yourself.
One of the great promises of love is the trust inside
that our partner is doing exactly what they need to, at
this point in their path. To want them to hurry up, to
change, etc., gives them conflicting signals - they try
to walk the tightrope between following their Higher
Power, and trying to take care of our needs.
My guess - based on our own similar struggles - is the
example your SO needs most is one of being okay with
these deep fears; being okay with however long the
struggle needs to last; being okay with whatever time
alone he needs to stumble thru the swamp, until one day -
to his surprise - he’s magically on the other side,
with a wealth of insights into what just happened to him.
His struggle mirrors your own similar kind of struggle.
In simple terms, if you are rejecting part of
yourself, his fears about being rejected by you have a
real foundation. And vice versa. There’s further
irony: the more we accept ourselves, the less we fear
being rejected by others.
Your SO’s struggle has lit a mirror into one of
your own, that you were semi-aware of, but now can use
his struggle to see your own even more clearly. If you
use the gift he’s giving you, it will be VERY scary
at times, but the changes you’ll find happening will
be permanent. Wouldn’t it be nice someday to FINALLY
have these kinds of struggles permanently in the past?:)
Hope something here helps.
From: Susan
Bernd, Don't know if it helped Claudia but it sure set
off some bells for me. That second paragraph stopped me
in my tracks. Thanks once AGAIN for the valuable insight.
From: Claudia
Hi Fellow Traveler, I was given the gift of solitude
last evening Bernd and am grateful to say that as a
result of the tools that I have gained in recovery I was
able to do just as you suggested. Some of my fears became
apparent immediately and were based on things that I
learned about human relationship at an early age. Others
continue to bubble within and I welcome :) their
presence. I am really coming to grips with the reality
that every time I have experienced growth it has been as
an outflow of pain.
Thank you for sharing your own vulnerabilities and
fears. We are all so very much alike on this journey!!!!!
I am grateful that the Higher Power that be has brought
us together. I will continue sharing my journey and
learning.
From: Mara
Your story is my story only I ended the relationship
with the man who wouldn't receive the love I offered. His
walls caused enormous pain and I had to let him go to
finish his healing. I am looking for answers constantly.
I know I have let go of the single most important
relationship I've ever had. Please let me know how your
story develops and any advice is welcome. Thank you for
sharing.
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