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 Addictive - Wizzard
Dear Friends, I have been married for 26 years. I've
never strayed....in fact, my wife is the only woman I
have ever loved or had sex with. As unbelievable as it
sounds after reading the rest of this message...it is
true.
On average, my wife and I have sex about 3 to 5 times
a year....and these experiences aren't that great. Last
year, we made love one time. I have been doing some
exploring and reading on the internet just to see how
abnormal this is...I have always known it is
abnormal....and my discoveries have confirmed that my
life is very abnormal. I love my wife very
deeply...obviously! But, I am constantly in need of love
and satisfaction! Lately, I am angry and resentful
because I am apparently in "mid-life crisis".
I read your link to a page on "addictive
relationships". It blew me away. I think I am struck
in such a relationship. What do I do?? Do I look for
another relationship? This is foreign to my morals, which
are very rigid and straightforward...but I am very
unhappy. I need love and attention. I feel like I've been
cheated my whole life, and it is time for change!!! Help!
 From: Bernd
Hi Wizzard, Can you help me with a little more info?
Can you tell me if you’ve ever tried couples
counseling? Have you had any success talking about this
issue with your wife, and if so, what responses do you
get from her? Also, as far as you can tell, does your
wife struggle with depression, or has she or is she going
thru menopause? Has sex always been this infrequent, and
if not, when do you feel the frequency really took a
nosedive?
Finally, can you tell me more about the “rigid
and straightforward” morals you have. All this will
give me some clues as to what might be happening in your
relationship.
From: Wizzard
No we have never tried counseling. I have tried to
suggest it, but she explodes emotionally. Everytime we
try to talk through this, she just cries. No progress.
This has been going on since day one of our marriage. She
does suffer some depression and is in menopause, but
there has been no change, She truly believes everything
is just fine. About my morals. I have a strong value
around honesty. Cheating would give me great anxiety, but
I am increasingly looking outside our relationship for
satisfaction. Thanks for listening.
From: Bernd
If this has been the situation for the past 26 years,
then it’s likely been an unspoken wall of iron
that’s been reinforced all that time. I suspect that
you were deeply disappointed in the early days of your
marriage, and she would certainly have felt your
disappointment, and very likely blamed it on herself,
feeding her depression. I’m curious - have you been
unfaithful before in any way, or come very close to it,
and what triggered your reaching out for help at this
stage? (or have you reached out for help at various times
in your marriage, with no success?).
Wizzard, there are good reasons why your wife has such
difficulty with sex, even if we don’t know what they
are. Chronic depression is a PHYSICAL disease that has
emotional symptoms. It’s like having the flu all
your life without any fever, and trying to act normal in
spite of feeling lousy inside from when you get up in the
morning, until you go to bed at night. Think of going to
work every day for the rest of your life with the flu,
and having your boss expect you to live up to HIS
expectations. How long would it be before you told him to
go to hell?
Your wife hasn’t told you to go to hell, because
she really doesn’t know why she has such a difficult
time with sex. She likely blames herself more for your
unhappiness, than you blame her. Both of you are dealing
with a lot of buried anger, hurt, rejection, and despair
over finding a solution after 26 years. None of it is
either of your fault, but to find your way out of the
swamp, the first thing you need to be honest about is
where you both are in this relationship, and how you both
really feel. Everything you feel is very likely what your
wife feels as well - for different reasons - so the more
you get in touch with how you really feel, the more
you’ll be able to understand and be compassionate
with the load your wife is carrying as well.
I’m going to give you some possible reasons why
your wife has such a difficult time with sex. The real
reasons may be any one of these, or a combination of
them. She may have been sexually abused as a child (by
relatives, family friends, or strangers), and every
sexual encounter would bring up horrifying feelings and
memories of this abuse. She may have chronic depression,
a physical disease, which screws up every feeling she
has, and can greatly dull her sexual feelings. She may
have been taught as a young girl that sex was bad,
filthy, and would send her to hell - unless she waited
for marriage - and had the first part of those teachings
drilled a lot harder into her brain than the marriage
part, making it impossible to switch off those negative
messages and her fear of hell once she DID get married.
She may have had undiagnosed physical problems that
caused her great physical pain when she tried intercourse
the first few times, and been too afraid to say anything,
or get it checked out, thinking that somehow it was
“her fault”. If so, the thought of sex would
bring up massive fears of pain, and fear is not conducive
to sex at all. Try to get a hardon thinking of Lorena
Bobbitt in front of you, and you’ll know what I
mean.
If she’s grown up being taught that women should
meet certain expectations and standards in marriage, she
would have had struggles with feelings of failure early
on. As human beings, when a problem seems unsolvable -
especially when we think it’s our fault - the only
option left to us is to block it out of our mind and hope
that it will go away, or won’t really matter.
You’ve helped her do that for 26 years , and in her
eyes, it’s worked better than anything else she
could think of. You haven’t abandoned her, which I
suspect is a terrifying fear she has if she risks opening
up to you and you “see what a unlovable person I
really am”. This is a very REAL fear, because as
much as you want her to open up, you aren’t ready
yet to listen to her true feelings and thoughts without
feeling rage and deep hurt over all those lost years. As
much as you’d like to be ready, and think that you
are ready.
You CAN help yourself, the marriage, and her, by
looking seriously at individual counseling - as much of
it as you can afford. You have control of 50% of the
relationship - your half. The more you can heal the pain
and despair you’re feeling on YOUR side, the more
able you’ll be to give her a safe place to open up.
Each part of your healing is something you can share with
her, and each bit of new understanding and compassion you
get thru therapy will help her find hope that there ARE
solutions out there for her as well.
You both came into the marriage with beliefs and tools
that you thought would work, but time has definitely
shown you otherwise. You were robbed by those who led you
to believe they WOULD work. It is not too late, and there
is nothing you can do to change the past. But there is
much you can do to make the future one that both of you
truly deserve and want. Think of an archer’s bow
pointed toward heaven. It is only when the bowstring has
been depressed as far DOWN as it can be, that it has the
hidden energy needed to push the arrow to the highest
heights. That is where your marriage is right now. The
bowstring has been pulled back about as far as it can go,
and the tension is getting unbearable. If you can do the
searching you need to find out how to truly release that
bowstring, your marriage and life can be propelled closer
to heaven than you ever thought possible.
There is a gate somewhere, that will lead you to the
path you want and need most. These are my best guesses.
From: Wizzard
Thanks. Down to earth stuff. I think you could tell
that I don't want to abandon this relationship. I love
her. I have often wondered if she had been abused as a
child. Don't know. It's not all her of course. My
resentment feeds the situation as you have guessed. Will
try to suggest professional help...we'll see. To date, I
have never been unfaithful. Your insights have been
helpful...or more accurately, comforting. Thanks.
From: Bernd
Wizzard, maybe "try to seek professional
help" for YOURSELF, to help YOU find ways to truly
help her?
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