 Too sensitive - dmg
I appreciate the honesty that I have seen on this
board and think it's wonderful to have a place for people
to turn. I am having a lot of doubts about my own
relationship and have been for so long. It is progressing
to a stage where my SO has once again started mentioning
the big M word and I know in my heart I couldn't agree to
that right now. We have been through some rough times
which all seem to be my fault. I broke off the
relationship at one point because of an old partner but
within a few days realized I had made a mistake a begged
(literally)my SO to take me back. (I did not have sex or
any close encounters with this other person, although I
guess the thought was there and that is just as bad) He
took me back. That was over a year ago but everytime we
get into discussions about how we are doing as a couple
this incident is brought up and "all the hard times
we've been through because of me".
I really haven't done anything else except be honest
about my feelings when I don't feel close enough to my SO
and that usually brings on a lot of suspicion and then
the fights are on and sometimes we don't speak for days.
I have never had such low self esteem in my life or so
many doubts and don't know how to fix this. I have read
parts of "the Guide" and find it very helpful
but I can't seem to let myself get close to this man.
There just isn't that closeness that I think should be
there. I spend most of my time feeling defensive or
having hurt feelings from insults that are meant to be
play. I seem to take everything too seriously. I guess I
have expected to be much happier with the man I marry.
How do you know if this is the right person? He is
wonderful with my daughters and I know he would do
anything for me but most times I find our relationship
exhausting. I can't figure out why I am so sensitive to
his sarcasm or playful insults. (most times to the point
of tears) At times I do find him very judgmental (he
would tell you differently) and this of course stops me
from talking about things that may have happened in my
past or things I think may cause a reaction. I guess I am
babbling now, how do you just let yourself go in a
relationship and not allow different characteristics of
your SO get you down or irritate you? I am trying so hard
to react differently but I just can't seem to cover these
hurt feelings of mine or sometimes the anger he can
spark. Thanks for listening.
 From: wolfie
Boy can I relate!!! The things is - what he is doing,
is challenging you on many different levels! You have
attracted him into your life because it is time for you
to work thru many issues that are going on with you -
which you may not be aware. First of all - all partners
are mirrors. When someone judges us - we need to ask
ourselves a couple of questions. Am I judging ME? Am I
really hard on me? Do I not feel good about me? Am I also
judging others - for as we judge others, we are really
judging ourselves. We are all connected - we are all one
- and you partner is mirroring back your own self worth.
What can you do about it? It can be very challenging and
very exhausting (this I know from experience). What we
can do is totally put the focus on me - start loving and
accepting me. For me, affirmations work. I LOVE ME - I
ACCEPT ME! In doing these things, we start to grow, and
in growing - we get to a point where others reactions or
words no longer cause a reaction in us. We are free!
My partner has a hard time with my past - we have gone
thru much hell. But I have been doing a lot of work on
myself - with my self love - and something happened once
which helped me see how much I had grown. He was
expressing some anger, etc., about my past and normally I
would have a hard time listening and I would feel the
need to correct him and say that's not true - and you've
got it all wrong - and I would literally obsess - I would
feel the need to "explain" things perfectly so
he would understand.......in other words gain some sort
of acceptance. Well after this one episode, I started to
obsess, and all of a sudden, I let it go. For once in my
life, it didn't matter what he thought about me - it
didn't even matter that I felt he didn't even have the
story straight and I felt he hadn't really been listening
to me. I let it go - it didn't matter - and I was able to
listen to him and afterwards, hug him. It was a big step
for me. I have major challenges also - I didn't realize
how much I didn't like me - I didn't realize how LOW my
self esteem really was until I was in this relationship.
But what an opportunity!!!! An opportunity to finally be
free from all of my self inflicted limitations.
I am fortunate - When I met my partner, I knew in my
heart that he was it and it was time for me to stop
subconsciously running from intimacy and embrace it -
finally work thru the many issues I have in dealing with
intimacy. He is truly a beautiful and loving soul but he
has his issues as much as I have mine. He is being human
just as much as I am being human. But we both hang in
there because we believe when we get thru some of this
stuff - we will be free and all that we are meant to be.
It hasn't been easy - it has been exhausting. But I do
try to take one step at a time and focus on working on me
- for that is the only person I can change. My partner,
just by being him, has given me the opportunity to really
see me and work on what needs to be changed within
myself. For me, I am learning how to be true to myself,
regardless of others reactions. I am learning how to
really love myself, I am learning about empowerment for
myself and others, I am learning about who I am and what
I am really about (I was a chameleon, a people pleaser,
be all things to all people for most of my life) and I am
learning to take a stand and say THIS IS WHO I AM AND I
AM OK. Self acceptance, self love, self mastery! I am
also learning how it means to really Love - not doing
things out of fear - fear of not being loved, fear of not
getting what I want, etc., but doing loving things just
because!
I am sorry this is so long - I feel I could write a
book! There are no simple answers - the key is to listen
to your inner voice of knowing - and you will be led. My
inner voice has told me to hang in there - this is
teaching me about self mastery - and I feel the way to
self mastery is not easy. But I must take 100%
responsibility for my life and focus on what I am doing
and/or not doing and work on me. A wonderful book which I
would recommend to anyone is called "Conversations
with God - an uncommon dialog" by Neale Donald
Walsch. There is a wonderful section on Relationships in
there.
By the way, if you are not ready to be married at this
time with him, then be honest with yourself and then you
will be able to be honest with him. Take one day at a
time - you don't need to figure it all out now. The
answer will reveal itself to you! For now, be honest
regardless of how he reacts (I know, its difficult) and
do what you need to do for you. For now. For this moment.
All you have is this moment.
P.S. By the way, there is no such thing as being too
sensitive. As someone once told me, it is a gift - it
just needs to be channeled appropriately. In regards to
the "jokes" - my partner made a joke once and
maybe if he had done it before (can't remember) I
probably would have laughed it off. I remember one time
in which I took a stand and said - I don't think that's
funny. I didn't say "hey, you've got to
change." I said - I don't think it is funny. I was
expressing my truth and I took a stand. You can also sit
down with him and express how You feel when he says
things like that. What does it remind you of - have you
felt that way before in your life? It is ok to express
your feelings and whatever you are feeling - IT IS OK.
You are NOT being too sensitive - you are respecting
yourself and listening to your feelings - you are
acknowledging yourself. All we can do is focus on us. As
we change, we no longer attract certain situations, or it
appears that others are changing - but in actuality - WE
are changing. People are just mirrors for how we feel
about ourselves. And like Bernd said - walking away with
head held high, with a sense of inner peace within is
different than running away - for when we run away, we
will just attract another similar situation but maybe
worse.
From: twice
You are NOT too sensitive!!! You are a wonderful,
feeling, caring person. My husband who I am finally
divorcing after 20 years and two marriages, also made
jokes at my expense. After I started letting him know how
I felt about these jokes, he would then sarcastically
refer to "my oversensitivity". I now realize
that this really didn't reflect on me at all. He had a
very bad childhood, an addiction problem and is basically
not capable of feeling for anyone but himself. I can not
remain married to him under these circumstances. That was
my choice after many years of trying to change myself to
make the marriage work. Well, I changed myself and the
marriage failed, but I think I can now be happy on my
own! Take care of yourself and love yourself. You are not
what he says you are!
From: dmg
Wolfie, Thank you so much for responding. I can't
believe how close your letter has come to what I am
feeling. I am beginning to realize that a lot of these
emotions are here because of the changes I want to make
in myself. I have run from committed relationships all of
my life and have always picked relationships where I have
had to fix things for the other person. So much so the
closest relationship I have had was with a married man
and I certainly didn't have to commit to him. It isn't
something I'm proud of but when he left his wife I
couldn't stay with him. I knew it was wrong for me. I
guess I am tired of running from myself and I don't want
to fix peoples lives anymore.
I was blaming my low self esteem on my SO but when I
think clearly it must have been pretty bad to begin with
to have had the types of relationships I did. I was so
busy being what the other person wanted me to be
somewhere along the line I completely lost me. I can't
remember the last time I was truly happy. Although I am
trying to let all of my ghosts go it is difficult to
break old habits and I guess that's what I am finding in
my relationship now. A year after we started going out
and things started looking like a committed
"relationship" was about the time I started to
make excuses as to why things wouldn't work but he has
been patient and for some reason neither one of us seem
to be able to let this go.
My SO has a lot of his own issues as well and he has
given me the impression that he needs someone to make him
happy. I know ultimately we are all responsible for own
happiness but I'm not sure how to explain this to him
without sounding totally selfish. I guess that fear you
talked about "fear of not being loved" or maybe
even closer "fear of not being what he wants me to
be" steps in. How hard it is to be truly honest when
you carry so many fears.
We are going away for a week to the Canadian Rockies
maybe the peace and quiet will allow for soul searching.
Once again, thanks for writing. You don't know how much
your words have helped me. Just knowing there is someone
out there who understands what I am talking about makes
it a little easier to bare.
From: wolfie
You are very welcome - I needed to write to you
because I really understand (totally) about what you are
going thru. And that fear of intimacy and commitment? I
could write a book :-) I do know how you feel totally!
Anyway, I enjoy sharing because when I am sharing my
experiences, it helps me also - they are reminders for me
- and so you helped me. We always help each other and I
love it! Thank YOU! Have a wonderful vacation - enjoy
each precious moment!!!!!!!
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