 |
 Love or companionship? - Anne
I would like to hear from those of you out there who
maybe have experienced both kinds of relationships. My
husband is my companion and we have a nice family life
but the soulmate aspect has never been there.
Consequently I don't feel a close emotional bond with him
and really don't enjoy the physical aspect of our
relationship and never have.Yet we are good partners in
all other aspects. I know I could enjoy a physical
relationship but for me it requires something deeper than
what we share. We have been married for quite a while a
have teenage children. I'm just curious to know if anyone
can share which kind of relationship is best long term.
Thanks.
 From: PD
Well Anne, I symathize with you. I too have been in a
relationship for a very long time and have teenagers.
That type of intimacy is missing from our relationship
also. It was to the point where I needed that
"soulmate" type of love, and had an affair. I
am not suggesting you do that at all.But with the person
I had the affair with, that is the kind of relationship
we had. I know that new relationships are that
way...starry eyed, head over heels type love, but this
WAS different. I have never felt more loved, respected
and totally in tune with someone else in all my life.
But, I decided to try to make my marriage work. I have to
tell you after experiencing that kind of relationship, it
is extremely hard to go back to the way things are with
my SO. I suggest you communicate your needs to your
spouse and see what happens.
From: mzet
All the answers, rebuilding the relationship or
divorce, require a tremendous amount of work and
spiritual energy. An affair is just a temporary fix that
hurts everybody and, eventually, we realize we're back
where we started. Work: and we are so lazy and impatient
with ourselves and our spouses. It's as if there was this
force constantly fighting us. It's the same force that
makes our houses a mess, specially if we have kids,
despite all of our effort to have a clean and neat place
to live.....It's the law of the universe, it's entropy.
We can all change ourselves if we are open to wanting
to change. But how many of us really want to? It's just
too much work and we are tired, we are lazy. Doing
nothing is better, we think. And look at my case. I want
to change so badly, but I have my own curse, my wife
doesn't want to. I am resigned to, almost compelled to,
believe that we cannot force change in others. That we
can only change ourselves. And that causes so much
suffering. And does it make sense?
If you are a Christian, it can all make sense,
perhaps. God so loved his son, Jesus, that he gave him a
cross. Does that make sense? I don't know. Sorry, no
guesses even.
From: Anne
PD...thanks for sharing with me. You sound just like
me. I have communicated these things to my husband many
times and he doesn't get it. It's just not his makeup I
guess. I have had an experience with someone similar to
what you describe but I guess my question is that would a
relationship always be that way or would I be where I now
after a few years with the soulmate type? Is it enough to
give up everything I've got to go in search of? That is
why I ask for opinions of those who've had both.
From: mzet
I know, you should be able to have both. I just don't
get why your respective husband's don't get it. If they
would just change....
I have the feeling, based on second marriage divorce
statistics, which are higher than that of first
marriages, that one is even less successful in obtaining
that goal a second or third time around. You'd think we
learn from the first marriage, but that doesn't seem to
be the case. Eventually we find that EVERYBODY has
imperfections that drive us crazy. Perhaps the emotional
bond you are looking for you will find in someone else,
but in turn, that someone else will be more unstable
economically, or will be less intellectual or whatever,
given enough time you'll find a dirty room nobody can
clean.
Only God is perfect. To seek fulfilment from an
imperfect being (husband, lover or otherwise) is bound to
fail. So is it really our lover's fault? Or is it the
huge unreasonable expectation that our culture demands of
a marriage and that we buy into when we say until death
do us part? I'm not saying you should leave or stay with
your husbands, just that the answers are more complicated
than they seem. And are we really asking the right
questions to start with? I don't know.
From: wolfie
Dear Anne, From what I have read and from the various
relationships I have experience (I have experienced
both), I feel it is really a choice you need to make. I
feel that people who really don't have that "intense
connection" do find that their relationship is very
nice and mellow. I think there are many people out there
who have experienced that and are quite happy. It is
their choice in this lifetime. Now, on the other hand,
these "soulmate" connections, I feel are very
deep and very intense. For me, I personally do believe in
reincarnation and I feel that there are certain souls we
are always hanging with from lifetime to lifetime because
they offer the most Growth for us! Intense growth - we
make agreements with them prior to even coming onto the
earth plane. For me, I was in a very safe and loving
relationship. And it was nice - it was - but my soul
yearned for much more so I moved on. I have since found
my "soulmate" or "twinflame" or
whatever you feel comfortable calling it and the
Attraction, the Connection, the Everything has been very
intense - we have been such mirrors for each other - and
we have offered each other such INTENSE growth. To be
honest, it has been HELL and it has been ecstasy.
Now I personally believe, that for me, in this
lifetime I chose to work thru MANY issues and it is true
that I am and have experienced so so so much. But I feel
that on some level, I yearn to grow, to evolve, to be all
that I am meant to be, and my soulmate (my partner), just
by being in my life, offers me this INCREDIBLE, and
sometimes too overwhelming, GROWTH. And to be honest, I
know we have known each other in many many lifetimes and
we always continue to help each other grow on so many
levels - soulmates do that for each other. I believe the
choice is yours. You know it is funny - when I first read
your post - I said to myself "be thankful - Enjoy
(smile) " With all of the pain I have gone thru,
sometimes I wonder. And yet I know that what I am gaining
will never have to be repeated! And to be honest with
you, relationships is a BIG thing for me in this lifetime
and a major part of my path this time around. But that is
ME - we are always making choices, consciously or not,
prior to this lifetime and during this lifetime, we are
always making choices and the choices are always ours. So
you just need to ask yourself what you want and what is
important to you.
You know - there is a great quote from a book I read
and it says something like: I may not have it all, but I
have everything!! And to go along with that quote was
this story about a nun - she was playing with a little
child - and apparently the nun loved children - and a
woman watched her and wondered if she loved children so
much, how could she be a nun? The woman asked her: don't
you wish you had children - don't you miss it? And the
nun said - oh sure - and the woman said - don't you
regret it? And the nun replied - Oh No - I have
everything (and she was smiling, so fulfilled). In other
words - what this story says is that the nun completely
accepted the path she chose and loved being a nun - the
thing is you can't do this and this and this and this (it
is not humanly possible)- we need to make choices - but
the KEY is totally accepting your choices and feeling
great about your choices - and totally accepting the path
we did not choose.
I probably goofed up the story but I hoped you got the
message - we can't humanly do this, while doing this,
while wanting that, and so on, the key is making choices
and being totally happy and accepting with Ones choices
in Life. I don't know - just my thoughts - you listen to
your inner voice - and listen to it - and it will always
guide you - ALWAYS!!!! Lots of love to you.
From: wolfie
Dearest Anne, I just wanted to reiterate in regards to
my last post, that I was strictly talking about me. See,
I am not you and you may have a COMPLETELY different path
from me. And to be honest with you, even if I was in a
nice and peaceful (however you described it)
relationship, I would probably still find something wrong
with it - because my BIGGEST issue in this lifetime has
been one of fear of commitment, fear of intimacy and fear
of closeness. I wanted you when I couldn't have you, when
I had you I didn't want you, I was "confused"
the list is endless. And I was in that Nice relationship
because on a certain level, I knew it wouldn't last (we
both knew when we got involved that he would be getting
transferred in a year) so it was perfect for me and all
of my fears. Anyway, my long story goes on and on but
I'll stop. The reason why I am posting this is just to
reiterate that I am talking about my path. Your path is
Completely different from mine!!!!!! Completely. And so
all I am trying to say (with way tooooo many words) is
that it is your choice and that whatever choice you
decide is totally OK!!!!! What do you really really want
- what is really important to you - get down deep and ask
it on a soul level - and you will receive your answers
from your inner voice of knowing. And whatever choice you
decide, Love that choice and accept that choice, totally.
From: PD
Anne, I ask myself the very same question every single
day. I am still not happy with my life here with my SO. I
cannot help but wonder if it would be better with the
other person I share these intense feelings with. I
believe that when you meet someone like that...you must
take that chance, or you will spend the rest of your life
wondering what might have been...did I do the right
thing..etc.... I know that that is what I am facing right
now. I love my husband very much, and we have almost
everything paid for, which would give me a wonderful
secure life ahead, except that there is one big thing
missing. We just do not see eye to eye on emotions and
love and feelings. Can I stand to lose everything we have
worked so hard on? What will the future hold for me if I
leave?
I read the post that wolfie sent to you, and the way
she describes her soulmate is exactly how I describe my
lover. It is the most intense relationship I have ever
been in in my life. This person would do anything for
me...and I trust him completely. I feel like he puts me
on a pedestal and wants to make all of my dreams come
true. And I feel the same way about him. He is everything
my SO is not. And I want to grow...and I know that he
will help me do that. My husband on the other hand, does
not like change and he wants me to be the little country
bumpkin he married many years ago. There are so many
things I NEED to accomplish in my life and I am so afraid
I cannot get there from here. I do not mean to
ramble...but I have so much unspent energy inside and
feel like I have to let it out.
From: wolfie
Now for me personally, I wanted it all and do. Didn't
want to settle for less. And I have a story behind how I
co-created with Spirit to attract my partner (soulmate)
into my life. He was EVERYTHING. Now, since then all of
my issues have surfaced and it has been rough - but we
both hang in there because we both individually want to
be all we are meant to be and we are each helping each
other (just by being in each other's life) to become all
we are meant to be and wish to be. Sometimes, you need to
go through some serious valleys in order to reach the
peaks. Again, but that is my story - strictly mine.
Deepak Chopra, Leo Buscaglio are wonderful teachers
regarding Love. There are some really wonderful books out
there written by them. Who is to say, by a change in
perception, you can't have everything and don't already
have everything? Perception is truly wonderful. Anyway, I
know I am talking in circles and NOT making any sense. I
am very sorry - I can get long winded!! Very long winded.
The deal is this: I don't have the answers. I am just
another traveller......a seeker.... :-) Best wishes -
like I said, sorry for my ramblings - and that's what
they are..... ramblings.. :-)
From: Lynda
Hi, After reading Wolfies’ words,I feel like she
and I have done alot of the same searching and
journeying. I laughed out loud at her line “it has
been hell,but it has been ecstasy”...boy have we
been there! I too, think that Bernd and I
“volunteered” to be partners in this
lifetime,to provide the necessary mirrors for each other
to gain the most optimal growth we could. It isn’t
every person who is willing to go thru the at times
agonizing detours our paths tend to take to teach us what
we need to learn. I guess the reason I feel he and I were
meant to journey together ,is because he is the first and
so far only person that I can be totally
“naked” with emotionally. That goes even deeper
than the soul:)
Make any decisions out of a calmness inside of you,not
out of running...whether it be “away” from
something...or “to” something. I did the
opposite,and it spun me around for a lot longer than I
would have liked. Then again,maybe that’s exactly
what you need,it was for me. No two people have the same
path,they twist and turn and cross over many times...if
you search deep inside you will know what is best for
you:) Good Luck
From: Anne
Wolfie, thank you so very much for your heartfelt
response. You are experiencing with your partner what I
know in my heart that I need and wonder if I can live my
life without it. If a decision was based solely on that I
know I would have to move on. But like PD, my spouse and
I have built so much together including two great kids,
that I'm afraid the guilt of breaking up my family for my
selfish needs would get the best of me. Therein lies the
biggest challenge I have ever been faced with in my life.
My marriage has not been a rosy one and many people would
have left early on but my dedication to family is so
strong that I cannot be selfish. It was never so bad in
the marriage that I couldn't "buck up" for the
kids. It just never produced any additional loving
feelings after we married. He has tried to give me what I
need emotionally but he just doesn't get it.....it's hard
to explain..except that I think it's a chemistry thing. I
have read that we can choose to love but if that were the
case then we should be able to marry any ol body out
there and I know that is not possible...at least for me!!
In short, if I were only concerned about ME, I know what
I would have to do for myself. If I thought my kids would
understand and I knew I wouldn't devastate my spouse I
could seek what I know my heart needs. So, again, here I
am.....not happy with my life and can't make up my mind
to be.
From: Bernd
I remember when we went to Disneyworld (1990), about a
year before all hell broke loose, and the feeling I had
when I first walked thru the gates. It was magic, a
wooosh, the kind of natural high I’d experienced so
few other times in my life. The ironic thing is that many
people who come to Nova Scotia for the first time
experience the same kind of rush. I live here....why
don’t I?
That experience has helped me understand a bit more
clearly how the roller coaster of emotions can work
inside of me. Like on a roller coaster, it isn’t
staying on an even level, or a slow steady climb that
gives us the exhilarating feelings. It’s the wooosh
of the ups - and downs - that we pay our 2 bits for.
My guess is when a relationship seems like a steady
“boring” routine, finding someone who helps us
suddenly unleash a flood of buried or unfelt emotions
makes us feel alive in ways we seldom did before. When we
are going to and from our new lover and our old
relationship - such as in an affair - we experience waves
of emotions, ranging from our old numbness, to floods of
wonderful feelings, and back again. We are on a roller
coaster, and we feel ALIVE.
Does a glass of water taste as good when we’re
not thirsty, in comparison to when we are parched with
thirst? In my case, no - even tho it’s the same
water, the greater my need, the better it tastes. If
I’ve been stranded in the desert for a few days,
water tastes like heaven’s elixir. Even dirt rotten
filthy water!
The greater my need, the more my perception of
whatever fills that need is affected. How many sailors
have died from drinking salt water? My guess is that -
the unhappier we are in our current relationship - the
harder it will be to make a TRUE judgement of how healthy
a potential lover will be for us. A roller coaster
becomes just as boring when I’m riding on a slow
climb at 500 ft., as it is in a slow climb at 10 ft.
Except when an unexpected dive comes up, it is even more
terrifying. From what I’ve read, and what I’ve
personally see happen with friends, most affairs end up
on the rocks with the same kind of disillusionment as the
original relationships. They start out as escape hatches,
but eventually develop their own confining walls. One of
their foundations has been dishonesty, and dishonesty and
love are like oil and water. Integrity isn’t honesty
by convenience.
Can passion and a “friendship” type of
marriage go together? My belief is that love IS
passionate by nature. To me, friendship isn’t an
either/or thing; it’s something that fits on a scale
of 1-100. The closer to the 100 mark, the more we share
our inner most selves, and the more we accept the other
exactly as they are, and the more passionate it naturally
is. My relationship with anyone - including Lynda -
can’t be any better than my relationship with
myself. If I find someone who I feel more
“whole” with, it’s because I’m giving
myself more permission to be my true self when I’m
with them. But why am I denying myself that level of
permission when I’m NOT with them?
That’s one of the big questions I’ve been
asking myself during my recovery process. As long as I
depend on “being” with the “right”
person before I can “be myself”, then others
will always have power over my wholeness. It’s
unfair to them, and to me.
I want to have the freedom to dance in the wind, to
howl at the moon, to play with dolls, to giggle and laugh
when I feel like it, to say “I love ME!” and
feel a big magical glow inside whenever I do. I’ve
found many others who are on the same voyage of
discovery, whose examples remind me being
“crazy” is great! I get hugs from them when I
need them, and words of caring and encouragement. But it
has to come from ME first. Others can walk along side me,
but it’s me that has to lift each foot one step at a
time.
The more I can be my own passionate friend, the less
“hungry” I am for others to do that for me. It
helps me look for rides on sailboats, where I can splash
the water and feel the caress of the salty breeze, and
find all the magic there I missed out on, that is forever
replenishing itself. The more I discover the magic there,
the more I long to be back on the sailboat when I
inadvertently find myself flailing away on a roller
coaster again. I get off at the first stop, because I
want the NATURAL magic even more. It feels so much
better, and the glow stays with me (and of course, I DO
wear a life preserver, just in case I get too
rambunctious!).
The ironic thing is, it doesn’t matter what
qualities my partner has or doesn’t have. Because
I’m getting filled inside in so many other ways,
what I need from them more closely matches what they feel
safe giving. And before too long, they start to get
really envious of the glow I keep coming home with. One
day, they look up and say “can I come sailing with
you tomorrow?” And I know God will find them in the
gentle waves of the water, just as surely as He/She found
me there.
That’s what Lynda and I discovered. Ahoy me
maties!:)
From: Bernd
When I love Lynda simply because she EXISTS, my life
improves. If I try to love her for any other reason, I
fall into potholes sooner or later. I'm tired of
potholes. So I'm selfish, and try to keep choosing the
first way. It has worked better than anything else I've
found.
If Lynda left, could I marry "anyone"? I
think that it's very much part of my natural being to be
able to do so. I'd need a lot of help and insight from
others to see how close I could get to that. But
ultimately, I'd want to make as sure as I could that any
potential partner knew clearly what they were getting
into. My recovery takes some wild twists and turns at
times, and for someone who isn't committed to their own
recovery, I would probably confuse the hell out of them,
and trigger pain up the ying-yang. (Ask Lynda!) I have no
desire to be a part of leading someone thru such a
jungle, unless they are freely willing to do so. I don't
think I'd have to worry a lot about narrowing down my
choices; I think most would probably back off to a safe
distance sooner or later. My guesses anyway.
From: wolfie
dear Bernd, I agree with you wholeheartedly. I truly
believe that NOTHING on the outside will Ever give us
what we want - it ALL comes from within and when we have
it within (the happiness, joy, passion) our life is a
total reflection of that. When I talk about settling for
less, I talk about the story I once shared. It was about
the woman who got constant put downs from her partner.
Well of course he was attracted into her life based on
how she felt about self - the mirror factor. But she grew
and got to a point of feeling real good about her self -
that when her partner said things to her - it didn't
phase her. It wasn't her problem anymore. But she grew
and walked away. She knew she deserved all that was
beautiful in this world - she created a new reality for
herself.
Which brings me to another point. As I grew in my
spirituality, I knew that nobody or nothing Out There
could bring me the happiness I wanted - it needed to come
from within. Now, I knew all of this intellectually - but
you know what - when I met my present partner - on some
level - I still felt that he would make me happy. Well of
course, I learned soon enough that this was not possible
- I mean for the first time, I actually Felt that this
could not happen - I always thought things OUT THERE
could make me happy. It was a neat awakening and actually
quite freeing. I mean, I knew all of that intellectually
but I know, deep down, I was still thinking he could make
me happy. I had that awakening and it was very freeing to
me. I also felt and knew that I couldn't make Him happy
either - his happiness needed to come from him - as mine
needed to come from mine...........anyway, our journey
has been neat and it is a journey that still
continues.......
From: mzet
I think I've asked this a million times, but what does
it take for someone to get that perspective, that when I
feel good with someone is because I am allowing myself to
feel good about myself, that all those feelings are
really controlled by me rather than my partner? That
depending on someone else to give me those highs is
unhealthy? And I get so scared that I will not have the
time to get where I need to get before my partner quits
on me....I guess what you are saying is that it really
doesn't matter because you'd be joyful anyway....with or
without your partner.
But it does take two Bernd. And we can't really change
our partner, can we? We just hope that by us getting
there our partner will follow. And when they do, it is
heaven on earth. You are a lucky man. Lynda is a lucky
woman. And we all want to get there.... It's so
irritating that I can't even explain that to my wife.
I've tried. She doesn't get it. I wish I could live it
more authentically so that my example resonates in her
soul. We'll see.
From: Bernd
Oh, but it IS possible to change another person.
That's the power of example. Look at what happens when we
TRY to change someone the other ways...they STILL change
by choice - maybe because of fear, or hopes of getting
something they want in return. But if the change isn't
guided by genuine love, it doesn't reach the roots of why
the person is making the "bad" choices in the
first place. So the top of the weed gets lopped off, but
grows back sooner or later.
As long as someone stays in a relationship, their
partner's recovery DOES affect them. The
"dance" changes, and they have 2 choices:
either stop dancing (leave) or change their own steps. If
the partner's steps are healthier, theirs have to become
healthier as well, or else they stumble and trip all over
the place, and skin their knees even more.
Crazy isn't it? We wonder why we THINK we can change
our partner. How did we ever get this crazy belief? The
paradox is that we actually DO have that power, as long
as they're willing to be close enough to us to have our
example affect them. The problem we've been having is
that the way we were TAUGHT to try and change someone
gives us temporary success, just like our parents got us
to tidy up our room by telling us we'd have to stay home
when they went to the beach. We got drilled by EVERYONE -
with the wrong info. My guesses. Am I still surprising
you?????:)
From: wolfie
Beautifully said Lynda - yes I am sure we have been on
a very similar path. I, too, feel that with my partner -
and I have said this many times to my girlfriend - I
wouldn't be growing as much as I am growing with anyone
else. He challenges me on EVERY possible level!!!!! But I
hang in there because I know it is what my soul needs and
wants for me - it is the loving choice.
What is the loving choice for you Anne? One thing I
must say about this chemistry thing - for me, infatuation
Always dies very quickly! Always has. My relationship has
moved way beyond that - I am learning about true and
lasting and deep love. Can I ask a simple question. Why
did you marry him? How did you feel when you married him?
With lots of love and hugs.
From: Anne
You asked why I married him......honestly I felt like
there was no one else that wanted me like he did and as
much as I thought he loved me, I thought I could grow to
love him. He was and is funny and I laughed a lot at his
humorous side. I also felt that he never had the close
home life that I had and I wanted to offer that to him. I
liked him alot but I wasn't in love with him. After we
married he said and did things that were very insensitive
and immature, thus I never felt any closer to him. :)
From: wolfie
Dearest Anne, Your honesty is WONDERFUL and it is
beautiful that you can see that!!!! It sounds to me like
it is time for Anne to fill Anne up with intense love -
knowing and believing WITHIN - that you are worthy and
deserving and wonderful and special and loving and a
beacon of light, deserving of all that is glorious and
wonderful and passionate. It is time for Anne to Love
Anne and know that Anne is enough and truly beautiful and
incredibly special!!!! Honest to God, God truly desires
that we be happy - truly.
I feel that knowing what our motives are is incredibly
important!!! We either act in love or we act in fear. The
important thing to do is never judge oneself (I know,
easier said than done) for I truly believe that God does
not judge - we do that to ourselves. Anyway, It sounds
like when you got married you feared that nobody else
would love you. I guess the question to ask now is - what
would love do now???? Honest to God Anne, I do not have
the answer for you - I don't know what your higher self
has in mind for you but if you listen real hard......just
breathe and listen.....and trust that intuition, you will
be guided. And whatever choice you make, is the right
choice for you, right here and right now, just like it
was the right choice for you to marry your husband. There
is no such thing as the what if game - we learn so much
from all of our choices, do we not? That is the FUN of
life! :-)
From: Anne
Thanks so much, wolfie, for sharing. But I do not
dislike myself and never have. I do feel I am a good
person, caring, thoughtful and unselfish. So what is it
you are saying that I need to do?
From: wolfie
Dearest Anne, I do not know. I know sometimes I talk
around in circles. Just to go after what it is you desire
because you deserve it. Maybe when I read your message
about the young woman who married because she didn't feel
anyone else would love her as much...........etc., and
the reasons for marrying, I felt for you deeply. deeply.
And I guess it was my way of saying that you are
beautiful and you deserve all that is Wonderful - we all
do. I don't know. I think sometimes I talk TOO much -
actually, I know that I do. And I apologize. All I can
say is that my prayers are with you - and your higher
self will lead the way.
From: wolfie
I was in that relationship that I told you about -
when I met him, I was not attracted at all but I was
lonely and he filled a void (which no one can really fill
but oneself) and I grew to love him and it was nice and
mellow. And the whole time I went out with him I thought,
is he the one, is he? To make a long story short, we
parted and I knew it was time to work on me. But a year
later, I relationship crashed - I tried this guy and this
guy back to the first guy - and you know what? NO ONE
would EVER be perfect enough for me - I found something
wrong with everyone and I really bottomed out - I
relationship CRASHED. I was attracted and connected
deeply to this one - I think he's the one - but no - he
is too much this way - too screwed up ( HA) so I went
back to my safe one - my secure guy - he is so together -
but no - I'm not in love but NO I'll try this one and so
on and so on and so on. I crashed and I mean I crashed. I
prayed and surrendered COMPLETELY - I was willing to go
to any lengths. I was guided to the big book step study
process which was Very intensive and started to look at
me - take responsibility for my life - and I started to
understand the mirror factor - everything I hated in
them, were just things I hated in me etc. etc. Now I got
sober in 1992, did the big book from 94-95 (wrote every
day) and in 95 I was guided elsewhere - to a
transformational breath facilitator (who helped me
release some INCREDIBLE deep seeded pain), to other types
of healing, and to a New Thought church which has helped
change my life incredibly - I have been there ever since.
ANYWAY, I met my partner in 95 - there is a story as to
how I attracted him in my life - the things I was doing
within etc., but I won't get into all of that. Let us
just say that he was Everything I was looking for and I
knew in my heart that he was the one. He was a dream
fulfilled - a fantasy come true. And I knew that he was
the one I was supposed to be with. I was done running - I
ran from intimacy and closeness and commitment my whole
life - and now it was time to face my fears. BUT BUT BUT
- let me just share this one thing - there IS no happily
ever after.
Yes, I had it all - because I wanted it all - the
infatuation, attraction, intense connection, LOVE,
tenderness, acceptance - the whole package (I asked and I
received) but things Have changed!!!!! There is no
happily ever after. I used to think, I really did, that
there was such a thing - but NO. I cannot begin to share
with you the pain I have had. Who the heck really knows
what will happen - but him and I are trying are darnest
to take one day at a time. The pain that has come out for
him, the pain that has come out for me - I have had to
face so many things - he challenges me on every level -
and I mean it when I say it has been hell. But we both
feel that it is the loving choice to stay together and
work thru our individual issues. Bernd and Lynda give me
hope - I want it all back - it is not like it was in the
beginning and it never will be again - for we are moving
forward - and we may just arrive at where Bernd and Lynda
are at - one can only hope - but who the heck knows. I
know that I don't. I have not shared my pain much but let
me tell you - I have been one Sad Sad puppy but I'm
trying - God knows I'm trying.
I just wanted to share that about myself - wanted to
clarify just how much I have gone thru. I can't begin to
tell you how much work I have done on myself since 1992 -
cannot begin to tell - (I'll save it for a book) - but
the most intense work has been these last two years - and
it hasn't been happily ever after - it has been a facing
of my deepest, darkest shadow. It has been a dark night
of the soul. I hope I'm not depressing anyone :-) It is
just that - the one and only sure doesn't make our
problems disappear - they help bring them out. And yes, I
have such happy, glorious, ecstatic, fantasy-filled
memories with him that will last forever and
ever.......but it isn't without deep pain and a SERIOUS
looking at ONESELF - because that is TRULY what it is all
about.
God Bless All - And thank you ALL for being a guiding
light for me.
From: wolfie
Dear Anne, I feel I must apologize. I feel that I am
probably sending you many conflicting messages. The truth
is - I am one big giant paradox myself :-) The thing is
this - I feel that many many people out there end
relationships/marriages because they think there is
something better out there, only to find out that they
are in the same boat as they were before. I feel that two
people staying together and working thru their stuff (and
that is the key) can accomplish MUCH together - I'm not
talking about marriages in which they both decide to stay
together for the kids and kind of just live their own
separate lives. I feel that kind of living is truly
shortchanging ALL concerned. ON THE OTHER hand, I ALSO
truly believe that sometimes two people have done all
they were meant to do together and it is time for them to
walk their separate paths - and they part in friendship.
The only thing is, I just don't know what is true for
you. I can guarantee you this, though, and that is - the
way WILL be made clear for you. You ask - and you shall
receive. And you will !!! We are all here for you ! I
know, right here and right now, that Anne knows what she
needs to do and the way is made clear for her - for her
highest good and the highest good for all concerned. And
so it is!!!!
From: Claudia
Hi Anne, Congratulations on the courage to share your
trials. I believe that this life of growth is paved with
much love that is available to us as we open ourselves to
intimacy and love. It is hard sometimes to peek past the
pain but I am truly finding that each time I venture out
the pain dulls in intensity and frees me to listen to
that voice within that Wolfie alludes to.
This world is filled with destructive messages that
say we can have it our way in 30 minutes or less. Think
of the sitcoms and commercials and legal systems that
allow us to build this fantasy of an easier softer way.
It is a lie Anne. The way to the answers within lies in
time spent with the self. As adults, we have many years
of screwy messages to look at and unravel. The journey is
well worth it. As I learn to look at my life stuff and
grow closer to the God within me I am able to live in
this world yet not let it live in me. The messages I get
from outside often conflict with my inner truth and cause
me discomfort and pain. There is no such thing as happily
after after in this world. M. Scott Peck said it
beautifully when he began his book, "The Road Less
Travelled" with the words, "Life is
difficult..." The sooner I accept this truth, the
sooner I am able to discard the notion that relationship
with others in a difficult life will require
understanding on my part. First and foremost, the
understanding that there is no perfect reality in this
realm. In the world of spirituality however I find
serenity and peace. I am learning to turn my life and my
will over to the power of the universe that allows me to
be me and others to have their own space too. At times
this sharing of space causes friction and uncomfortable
feelings. This does not mean that the shared space is
somehow defective, only not perfect. In learning what is
important to me and what I need I am able to give room to
imperfection as I learn to take care of myself in the
places that cannot be healed or touched by another human
being at any given time. It is here that I surrender to
the truth of the love offered by my Higher Power and I
rest in that love. It is fact not feeling. I have learned
this truth, it is not something that was given to me in a
bolt of lightening or a thundering voice from the sky.
Nothing ever changes if nothing ever changes. In other
words, no matter where I go, there I am. Open the door to
your inner child and seek to make a connection with your
own reality Anne. There is no perfect solution. There are
however answers in the journey. I am grateful that you
have opened this questioning in my own soul. I am
strengthened as I verbalise what I know to be true for
me. I am adding you to my prayer list and I hope we
connect again soon. Peace my friend.
From: Anne
Claudia, thanks for your prayers! During the past few
years I have admitted all these things that I did to
myself. Deep down I knew what I did but wouldn't admit it
even to myself. But the bigger problem is "now
what?" I've tried explaining this to my spouse but
he's not a "deep" person and honestly he liked
things the other way when I wasn't making waves. he has
changed also through this and has become much more
"concerned" about me but he still cannot
communicated with me on a level that I need in order to
snuggle and enjoy a more physical closeness. Help! Thanks
to all for you wonderful input.
From: Claudia
Anne Friend, Sounds like you are learning about
yourself which is not only a good thing but THE thing
that allows us to move forward. I'm curious whether you
and your husband have counselled together???
From: Tom
Searching Ann, You will find your answers. Personally
the catalyst for my finding the answers was a turning of
my will and life over to the care of God as I have come
to understand God.In that I began to feel all right about
myself, as well as safe in this life. With this new found
peace I was able to seek the answers to my questions
without fear that the answers would be something I did
not want to hear. This freedom in seeking allows me to
love and be loved as I have never loved or been loved
before. I have experienced companionship when I longed
for a "soulmate". To me a soulmate needed to be
defined so that I was sure that I was not rejecting true
love for the fantasy relationship that was always just
around the corner for me.
A soulmate is a person whom was willing to be
vulnerable with herself in my presence. She did not need
to worry about being vulnerable with me. She was
rigorously honest about her own character and character
defects that sprang from her life experiences. This woman
was ready to walk with me because she had spent much time
looking to her own soul and the needs thereof. After
years of my own soul searching and crying to God for
relief from the pain of human frailties (shall we say
sin), she appeared. It was on a lake. I had seen her in
the past but had not noticed her for who she was. The
time was right and we were both processed along enough on
our individual journeys to begin a united force. That
force is strong and growing stronger every day. Thank you
for your committed desire to find truth. The force that
is with you (Divine Spirit) is a strength that is a
sustaining power in my life. My love is now in my heart
and she is no longer in my mind. Praise be the name of
Jesus! Seek on my friend and know the intimacies of your
soul and I believe in the appearance of your
soulmate/lover.
From: pd
Anne, I know I have responded to you already, and have
not been much help. I do not have the answer for you, but
I am STILL going through the same thing. The soulmate
feeling I have with the other man in my life, is such a
strong feeling I cannot seem to shake it and for that
matter I do not want to. I am so afraid I will never find
that again. I also believe that feeling can be maintained
over a long lasting relationship IF that is what two
people want and need. I guess you just have to have the
right person to begin with. My husband and I have never
had that kind of relationship, and never will. We lived
together 3 years before we were married, and then I got
pregnant. So we got married,and on our wedding night, I
sat in the chair of the motel room we stayed in and
cried...thinking I had not done the right thing, because
I knew then he could never give me the support and the
kind of love I craved, but I thought I could put all of
those needs aside. I did for 12 years, until I met this
other person. And now that I have seem what it can be
like...I want it back.It may not be right in some peoples
eyes, but I cannot help these needs and desires I have
for that void to be filled.
I love myself very much, and I want to be free again
to live and love the way I want, and not have my needs
and desires dictated to me. My husband is very
controlling, and I have allowed him to be that way. I
cannot allow it anymore, but he is not able to give me
what I need either. He places material things very high
on his priority list, and yes they are important to me
too, but if the foundation isn't there...what good is it?
We have a beautiful 10 acre home, which is paid for. But
there is more to it than that. He tells me I cannot have
a horse, and I cannot have the fountain/water garden I
want, and I cannot have some of the other things I would
like to have ...and yes, only for MY enjoyment. These
things do not produce income, and they are a waste of
money.....so he says, but I would like to have them. I
just cannot continue on like this. I am sure it seems
very trivial to other people, but I need to know he is
supportive of these things I want. He may not like them,
but he could still support me in them. We have talked
about these things many many times, and it ends up in
hurt feelings, and so on and so on. I am about to make a
decision in my life, a very big one. Who knows what the
future holds, but I have to find out for myself. I am not
getting any younger. I hope this helps you to decide what
is right for you Anne. You are in my prayers and
thoughts.
From: Anne
Will post more later......but thanks, I could've
written what you did.....so many like circumstances!
From: wolfie
Dearest Dearest PD, Your issues you talk about are not
trivial - in fact none of the things you talk about are
trivial. All of this is happening for a reason - it
sounds as if your soul is yearning to be free - FREE - Oh
PD, this is good stuff. It actually reminds me of a book
I recently read - I feel really drawn to tell you about
it. Of course, I am at work right now and the book is at
home so I don't have the name of it on me. If you would
like to e-mail me at home, please feel free. Your soul is
urging you towards incredible growth.
Besides the soul mate aspect going on - the Love you
have met - there are also some other aspects at play
here. You see, sometimes women marry people for this
security thing - they feel that they can not acquire
things on there own and so they are attracted to people
who will "provide for them." "ambitious
types" because we don't feel WE can do these things
so we rely on others (outside) The thing is, it (we allow
it) strips us of our god-given power. It is time, I feel,
for women to know that they can do ALL things - become
all things - be all things - within! (With God's help)
Anyway, it sounds as if your soul is growing - certain
things are no longer acceptable to your growth. It sounds
as if you are outgrowing being "taken care of"
etc., and your soul now yearns to grow, to fly.....to
become all-powerful, vs. all powerless. To be free. I
don't know, these are just ramblings - I don't have the
answers - but I understand what you are going thru! I
really do - and especially wanting to connect with your
"soulmate." I understand that all too well!
Follow your heart.
From: pd
Thanks for the uplifting message. It makes me feel
alot better knowing that I AM NOT crazy and just being
silly. But I do have such strong feelings for this guy,
and I want so much to be free to do as I feel and be
supported by the one I love. We have talked about writing
a book about our love and relationship. We have so much
in common...we communicate like two REAL
people.....instead of a father/child, which is how I feel
my husband and I communicate.Yes...FREE..is how I want to
feel, and I intend to get that feeling...one way or
another. I will e-mail you at home, and we can correspond
that way too. My husband hates my computer so I can only
use it when he is not here. I will tell you about that
later..the reason he hates it. I happen to love my
computer and that is another thing I AM NOT going to give
up. Anyway, thanks again for your words of wonderful
wisdom and your thoughts on the matter..I really
appreciate it.
From: wolfie
You are very welcome PD - and you know, my partner and
I also plan to write a book some day. Yes, please feel
free to e-mail me - I do know how you feel - and it
sounds as if your soul - your heart - is leading you -
and that's what you have to follow. sometimes there are
reasons we resist something - yes, sometimes it is fear
(and we need to recognize that) but sometimes it is an
intuitive knowing and we need to listen. It is our soul
saying - NO this is not for me - and we need to listen to
our intuition. Again, I know that your higher self is
guiding you.
|
