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 Should I date this married man?
- Confused in Seattle
I met this man through a phone date line. When I first
began dating him, he was separated. Although he did not
tell me that his separation was temporary. He had moved
here from another state and was temporarily separated
since he and his wife were not getting along. He in the
meantime put an ad on the dateline. Then she moved here
with him. They own a house together. He says he loves
her, but that he does not feel the passion for her that
he desires. He says he would like her to be everything to
him, but she is not. Their sexual relationship is not
fulfilling to either one of them. He says there has not
been any physical relationship for many years. I realize
he may be lying, but I think about this he is not. He is
very trusting of our friendship, as I know where he
lives, his home phone number, his name, his place of
work, his wife's name, etc. . .
I don't really know why I am writing this. I guess I
probably am looking for some kind of advice, or perhaps
some knowledge from someone that's been there. I think it
is a dead end street. However, is it possible to benefit
from a purely friendship level with this person, knowing
that I am a secret from his wife? Or am I just getting
myself into an emotional turmoil over a man that I can
never have a full loving relationship with? Any feedback
would be nice.
And does it matter? If I desire a relationship with
this man I know that it will be extremely limited. Who
knows? I'm fairly certain that he is being honest with me
about their relationship. We have become friends, at this
point, no intimacy. However, I desire to be with him, and
he with me. We just don't know what the next step should
be.
 From: del
I am fairly new to this site but have been reading the
postings for some time. I can only tell you how I felt
when I was in that type of relationship. At first it was
pretty exciting. All the secrecy and newness of the whole
thing. The man I was involved with was at the same point
in his marriage where your friend says he is. I had that
for an excuse whenever I felt guilty. Like you, we were
friends for several years before we allowed any physical
intimacy. I was in that relationship for 2 more years.
During those 2 years, he of course spent Christmas,
Easter, birthdays, anniversaries and went away on summer
holidays with his family. Those were pretty lonely times
for me. I fell in love, and when that happens you just
want to be with that person and you can't if he's going
home to his wife every night. There are all of the other
emotions as well, jealousy, anger, resentment to list
only a few.
The really awful thing is I tried to ignore these
feeling knowing full full well, that because of his
marriage I had no right to feel those things. Falling in
love with a married man doesn't do much for your self
esteem. No matter what he said to me I always felt like I
was second in his life. Bob did leave his wife in the end
and came to live with me....for about a month and then
decided he just couldn't do it and went back to his
family. That was it for me. I was hurt pretty good. He
swore he was going to leave her again but I guess I got
smart. I had to ask myself, knowing that he had other
affairs besides ours, how faithful could this man ever be
to me??? It was like breaking a bad habit but you know
what? I met a wonderful man and we may have our problems
but I know I am number one in his life. And we are
planning our life together which is something I wouldn't
dare let myself even think about in the other
relationship for fear of chasing him away. In closing, I
can honestly say I would never trade the healthy, loving
relationship I have now for anything in this world and I
look back and think what a way to spend 5 years of my
life.....sitting and waiting for some guy to decide I'm
worth it. I would never do it again. Good luck to you.
One more thing....do what's right for YOU.
From: gertrude
If you do not know what you should do then it means
that you do not have any standards that are concrete
about relationships. There are plenty of single men out
there. Why not find some of them. If you want to be a
side-kick to a separated one day, married the next-day
man then go ahead.
From: Autumn
I just started reading the posts but could not help
but reply to this one. I am in this situation, only I am
the one who has been cheated on. The other woman, I guess
was under the assumption that we no longer loved each
other, apparently she thought no one would be hurt. She
was very wrong, all 3 of us have been terriby hurt. She
is the one who has been left out in the cold to deal with
her pain alone. Not that I care, because I have to the
suffer the most pain of all. Before you do this you
better know for sure how him and his wife REALLY feel
about each other. As was said before there are enough
single men out there without having to take some one who
is in a supposedly commited relationship. All you are
going to do is cause everyone involve with alot of pain
and suffering.
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