Some thoughts in response to sexual questions - Bernd

A feeling of safety is one of the greatest aphrodisiacs I know. Safety in being able to say how I feel, and what I think. Safety in talking about my fantasies. Safety in talking about my inner sexual struggles or walls.

Also, Lynda can’t make me feel any better about my body or sexuality than I feel about those myself. And vice versa. Sexual problems become another path for increased closeness, when I give myself permission to talk about MY problems, and make myself a safe place for Lynda to share her struggles. That approach has made a huge difference in the sexual part of our relationship.

Orgasms are a tricky thing. Often, the more we focus on getting them, the harder they become to find. Sensual pleasure is like a playground - if all we do is play on the teeter-totters, the “thrill” gets more and more elusive.

What we do is focus on exploring the playground. And that playground is HUGE! The body has so many areas of pleasure, and so many different kinds of pleasurable sensations. Most of them aren’t orgasmic kind of pleasure spots, but add tremendous depth to orgasms when they come.

Lynda and I are discovering new sensations every day, and new ways of bringing out pleasure from different non-sexual areas of our bodies. (I say non-sexual, because at first they aren’t sexual feelings, but ironically, many of them end up triggering some powerful sensual and sexual feelings as we explore them). We aren’t sex-experts, far from it. What we are is curious kids who were robbed of much of our sexuality most of our lives, and are experiencing the fun and wonder of rediscovering of the sensual and sexual playgrounds inside of us for really the first time in our lives.

One of the most important keys for us has been learning to be selfish. When I focus on how Lynda feels - or whether she has had an orgasm - I’m subconsciously trying to “take care” of her feelings, i.e., control her feelings. It’s very subtle, but she feels that inside, and her normal reaction is to try and “react” in ways that give me the impression I’m a good lover. The more she has to “take care of my feelings” in return this way, the harder it is to get in touch with her own feelings.

I try to remind myself that love is always win/win, with no hidden costs. So when I touch her, it’s the magic in my fingertips that I focus on, not her “ooo’s and aaah’s” - or lack of them. When I ask her how something feels, I value the “I don’t like it” replies as much as the “I love it” ones. And I listen to my inner voice a lot. Often, a thought will just zip into my head out of nowhere, such as “caress her elbow”. Now, I don’t know how many of you have ever looked at the elbow as a pleasure spot. Logically, it’s one of the last places we’d expect to find one. But Lynda has a huge shiver now when I even MENTION it.:)

There are thousands and thousands of such spots throughout our bodies. And each spot generates different kinds of pleasure feelings from different ways of touching. A lifetime really isn’t long enough to discover or explore all the different combinations. For example, lightly brushing Lynda’s wrist with my fingertips gives her goosebumps and warm shivers. If I tap it lightly however with my fingers angled a certain way, she has a powerful orgasm. How did I discover that? I didn’t “think” or reason it out. I just got an image of me doing it one night, and explored it with her. I get lots of “images” now, about non-sexual touching that turn out to be incredibly erotic as we explore them. Many of them seem crazy at the time, but it’s my inner voice giving me directions to a sensual roadmap of her body, and mine. I’ve learned to listen.:)

Now I look at the traditionally sexual areas of our bodies (such as our genitals) as “nerve central”. Every pleasurable feeling we get from all the other areas of our body sends waves thru “nerve central”. Some are little waves, some are big ones. These are some of the things that send lots of nice waves thru me: the feelings in my fingers from touching and caressing Lynda’s skin; the feeling of safety in being able to talk about anything; laughter and playing during intimacy; her support of my choices NOT to have an orgasm when I’m tired, or just want to feel more sensual and less sexual arousal; her telling me that she doesn’t want to have sex or an orgasm (yes, I love this, because I love being a safe enough place for her to tell me); looking into her eyes; looking at her smile; listening to the sounds she makes; running my fingers thru her hair.... the list, if I really wanted to make one, would be as long as I wanted to make it.

The more I take care of my own feelings and “waves”, the less responsibility Lynda feels for mine - which gives her a lot more freedom in getting in touch with her own. Seeing her discover a new wave inside her makes my heart dance. Being selfish is the greatest gift she can give me. It works a helluva lot better than our old struggle of trying to “take care” of each other’s feelings. And it’s so much easier.

Those are some of my thoughts on sexual struggles, and solutions we’ve found. Keep in mind that we’re really newbies sexually. Sex in our marriage has been a major struggle and source of pain and conflict between us for close to 15 years. It’s really only been in the last 2 years that we started finding new paths in dealing with those struggles.

The opinions expressed in any responses above are opinions only, and should not be taken as therapeutic
advice or counselling. For professional help with any problem, contact a trained therapist, or an appropriate
12 step or other support organization.
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