 She's lost that Loving Feeling -
Sexually Frustrated
I am a 29 yr old Male who has been married for just
over 7 years. I truly love my wife, but am concerned
about her feelings towards me. We had some problems
during our third year of marriage, but now have a lovely
2 1/2 year old son Whom we both adore (as much as we can
at his age!!) I truly do not want to hurt my wife at all,
but I've got a serious problem that I can not let go on
much longer... When we first met almost 8 yrs ago, I
think she weighed approximately 180 lbs? (I'm not good at
guestimating weight), and wore a size 16/18. Now seven
years later, she's 200+? (again I'll never know, she
says) and wears a size 26/28. Now my problem is this...
Despite her weight, I LOVE MY WIFE! I WANT MY WIFE!
But, she has just short of completely, CUT OFF our sex
life. we have talked to great lengths about this, and I
understand her reasons (i.e.: She's ashamed of her body,
and it makes her sick to think that I'd still find her
attractive!).
Fortunately, she has begun a Redux/Phen-Phen diet
program and has lost about 20 pounds (her goal is to get
to pre-birth weight with an ultimate goal of pre-marriage
weight. I support her in WHATEVER SHE DOES! However, I
know for a fact that, she's using her weight as an
excuse, next it'll be something else. I need help as to
HOW to cope with this long on-going problem I have,
BEFORE I end up doing something I regret. Any
suggestions?
 From: josie
You say that you still love and want your wife
"despite" he weight. DESPITE?? When you say
things like that, it conveys the feeling that you DO find
her unattractive. From a female point of view I can
assure you that it sounds very insulting but I am sure
that you don't mean to sound it. I think that for most
women their sexuality is intrinsically linked to the way
they feel mentally and physically. I, myself know that I
only need to put on a couple of pounds on and my sex life
suffers. People are always saying I am look 'fine' but if
I feel 'fat' I just don't feel 'sexy' and when I feel
'slim' I feel attractive and therefore 'sexy' and
adventurous. How do you know that she is "just
making an excuse"? And if she is "just making
an excuse" you need to find out why. What is making
her do so and try to find solution.
The other thing is that she could be suffering from
post natal depression after the birth of the baby..Yes,
even now after 2 and a half years!! I've been there
myself and I have met many women in my job as a midwife
who have suffered from late post natal depression. If she
is depressed that could have a negative effect in her
libido. Having a small child is hard work and on top of
that some people find that because it changes your life
so much they are loosing control. If your wife feels she
has lost control after having the baby of even the way
her body looks, that can be very scary. By doing
something about her weight she is regaining some control
over her body and life. Another thing... Don't even think
about "doing something that you will regret" as
you put it. It won't help your relationship at all and it
will just open a 'pandora box' of new problems and it
would also confirm her fears that you don't really mean
it when you say you find her attractive. I know...It
happened to me in my first marriage and it wrecked the
relationship for good!!! ...But I think that you already
realise that.
Please don't pressure her into having sex with you if
she is not ready at present. Put the emphasis on
affection and lots of cuddles for a while. I am really
glad that she is doing so well with her weight loss
program. The reason why she won't disclose her real
weight is because she feels ashamed and not worth of
love. She is not rejecting you. She is rejecting herself
and that is why she says to you that the idea of you
wanting her as she is now makes her sick. Tell her how
proud you are with her progress and how pleased you are
for the sheer courage she has in tackling her weight
problem. I tell you! you men just don't realise how
demoralising it can be after all the hard work of
pregnancy and birth to stare at a body that resembles
nothing to the original!! It is sheer hard work to get
our figures back and it takes tons of will power.
Something that works well for me is to give myself a
reward every time I loose a couple of pounds. It makes me
feel loveable and special. It doesn't have to be
expensive. Just a little treat will do. My guess is that
as she feels better about herself she will start being
more like her formal self. Be patient and be there for
her. She really needs your support right now! Best of
luck!
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