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 At the end of my rope - Damaged
Shields
I'm at the end of my rope.
I broke up with my boyfriend last summer. We had been
together for about 8 months. I couldn't put up with his
abrasive personality, and his verbal abuse. He was also
very insecure and suspicious of everything. I couldn't
even have simple conversation with him without him
jumping to conclusions and assuming that I was doing or
saying or feeling something that I was not. He would make
things up in his head that were negative, about me, and
then treat me as if they were true. Near the end of
August, I had finally grieved the loss of our
relationship, and was feeling very healthy and happy. I
had even met someone else, who I was taking it very slow
with. (Now I know he was just a rebound thing, but it
felt good anyway.)
Well, my ex boyfriend got wind of this, and started
calling me, and pouring on the charm. He told me all the
things I always wanted to hear, and made me feel very
happy and safe. I agreed to give it another chance.
WIthin a few weeks after we got back together, he started
back in with his verbal abuse, and one time he almost
physically abused me. Then for some stupid reason, I
forgave him, and we moved in together. (As I'm typing
this out, I see now how ridiculous it all was for me to
think things could be good) I had a good job, being paid
$1800 a month, and he was in school. I even agreed to
support him until he graduated and got a job. I put up
all the move in deposits, got the phone and electric
going, and paid for the U-Haul and everything. Within 2
weeks of moving in together, he started in on me again.
Verbal abuse, roughed me up physically a few times, made
my life a living hell. He'd always apologize afterwards,
and I'd forgive him. He'd cry, and tell me he knew he was
wrong acting that way.
He finally got a job, and things were good financially
for awhile, about 2 months. Then he quit his job, and I
once again took over the entire responsibility of the
apartment and expenses. I recieved a really nice tax
refund, and was going to buy a used car with it, but
since he had two cars, and no job, I had to pay the bills
with the money and did some improvements around the
apartment. I was trying to get things organized around
here so that our lives would run smooth. I used one of
his cars, because one day he put the wrong key in my
ignition and broke the ignition, and because my car had
been in bad shape, I decided to just get rid of it and
use one of his cars. At one point he became so verbally
abusive I told him he had to leave or I'd have the police
remove him. WHen I came home from work that evening, he
had cleaned the whole house and wrote me a long note
apologizing. I said that he could stay just long enough
to find another place to live. He never looked for
anything. By this time I feel I was faking it with him.
He'd hug me and kiss me and I would just put up with it.
He got a job, and started paying for a few things. But
the whole time he was so abrasive and grumpy and angry
all the time. We even started going to counseling.
Then one day, I had a miscarriage (thank goodness) and
bled for 6 weeks. So on top of this, and having to deal
with his weirdness (He'd keep me up late at night talking
about the strangest things) I was trying to get up in the
morning and work. I would be late a few times, a few
minutes here and there, and I guess my boss decided to
let me go because of it. My boss wouldn't let me explain
to him what was happening to me. I was tired, my body was
healing, and I was an emotional wreck. It's amazing I
even MADE it to work, let alone be ontime. SO 2 days
after I lost my job, HE lost his job. I applied for
unemployment and they granted me $77 a week. What a blow.
A few days later, he got another job, making good money.
But I decided I just couldn't take it anymore, and I told
him we needed to put our 30 day notice in (June 1st) and
move out in July, and go our seperate ways.
Well, he threatened to just move out the next day, but
I had to remind him that I paid the rent all those times,
and the least he could do was come up with rent for one
more month, so I could give 30 days notice, and not lose
my deposits, etc... His mother talked to him about doing
that, because she knows how much I've dealt with, and how
much I supported him. She was angry at him. ANd he
admitted that it wouldn't be right to leave me hanging
like that. I have a friend who will let me move in with
her, and watch her kids this summer, and she'll pay me,
and I have another friend who wants me to watch her kid
and pay me, so It would all work out for me. Problem is
this: Now he wants to stay in this apartment, for a few
more months until he can save money and find a place to
live. Well, logically, he should do this because he has
no place to go, and I do. Part of me just wants to go
ahead and move out and let him keep the place, (IN MY
NAME) and then when he moves out, and gives 30 days
notice, I'll still get my deposits back, (Which are well
over $700) I wasn't planning on moving in with my friend
until July 1st.
But he's making my life a living hell while I'm here.
He talks mean to me, but then turns around and expects me
to be loving toward him. This morning I finally refused
to hug him and he got explosive. Now I'm sitting
thinking, screw this, I shouldn't have to move out of MY
apartment. I shouldn't let him stay here I've done ENOUGH
for him. I can't afford this place on my own right now,
the babysitting wouldn't pay for it. I can't call my
family for help, (That's a WHOLE other talk show, believe
me) It's all just a bunch of crap. I partly hold him
responsible for the loss of my job, just because I was
always so wore out from his emotional abuse. But it was
my responsibility for staying in the relationship. Why
should *I* have to move out???????? Why should I be nice
to him anymore and let him stay here?????? I will
eventually move in with my friend, but I also resent
feeling as though I should move out of here immediately.
I was all ready to let him stay here a few more months
until what he pulled on me last night.
I was laying on the couch watching tv, feeling very
tired, and somewhat pre-menstrual, and I warned him of
that. He said that's ok, he understood, and could he lay
next to me. I said sure. I figured it wouldn't hurt to
have a nice moment with him. Well, he layed down next to
me, and put his arm around me and said, "I love
you" and I said, "I love you too" and he
pulled his arm back, and said in a stern voice,
"WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?" I said, "I said,
I love you too, what did you think I said?" He said,
oh, nevermind, sorry. Well, I'm now upset, because ONCE
AGAIN, he imagined I said or did something negative, and
treated me as though it were true, and I just wanted to
have anice moment with him, which is how it always was
throughout our relationship, and I got upset, so I sat up
and sat at the table. He said, "WHATS WRONG???"
and I explained it to him, and he of course got all
defensive, and said he thought I said, "THANK
YOU" when he told me he loved me. THen he went to
bed and I sat on the couch and cried. He came back out
and said, "I'm sorry please come to bed and let me
cuddle you" I said okay, and went in there. He
cuddled me and apologized, and then said we better get
some sleep. He turned over and I started falling asleep,
then he did what he ALWAYS does, he starts talking to me
again, and this time he said, "There are some things
I can't tell you about because they may upset you."
then he got quiet. I said, "OH great, now I'm laying
here trying to speculate what they are. What are
they?" and he said, "Oh, nothing." Then I
said, "Oh, thanks alot, now I can't sleep, what are
they?" and he said, "Well, I don't want to be
alone, I need to be loved." And I said, "But
what are the things you can't tell me?" He said
those were it.
ANd then I got pissed off cause it felt like he was
playing mind games with me, so I sat up, and he started
in on me, "YOU"RE the one that wants to break
up with me. If we're not going to be in a relationship
then we shouldn't sleep together anymore." I said
fine and went out to the couch. He sat in there and
mumbled negative things under his breath like he always
does. ANd I just curled up and went to sleep. I felt as
though he had tricked me into thinking it was safe to go
in there, and I fell into his trap. The next morning, he
was getting ready for school, and he tried to hug me, and
I said, "NO, I don't want a hug." He kicked the
bookshelf and yelled at me really loud. ANd gave me that
'death stare' that he always gives me. ANd went to
school. And NOw I'm sitting here writing this.
I have no money. I have no job. I can't call my
family, they live 3500 miles away. They won't help me. I
don't want to just pack my stuff and go, this is my
place, I'll lose my deposits and hurt my excellent rental
history. If he hadn't been such a loser, I wouldn't be
breaking up with him. If I had just gone with my
instincts, none of this would have happened, but I'm an
optimist, more like a blind optimist. I know I've put
myself in this situation. I did it to myself. Don't get
me wrong, I give him alot of credit for being a really
mean person, and I didn't deserve to be treated the way I
was treated. But I could have avoided all this by not
moving in with him back when I had the chance and my
freinds warned me.
ALl the red flags were there from the start. But now
I've dug myself into a pit, with a whole lot of help from
a mean human being. I need to know what to do and how to
do it. I can't think straight anymore. I've lost my sense
of reasoning, and maybe I don't even trust my own
decisions and judgement anymore.
I'm sorry this was such a long post. And it's barely
skimming the surface of all the horrible things that have
happened in this relationship. but it's the best I can do
at the moment.
 From: Bernd
Every choice we make has its consequences - choices
that are inner voice guided give us consequences we like,
while choices that don’t follow this guidance often
bring us pain and heartbreak.
What is happening to you is a NATURAL part of your
path, as much as you hate it, and as much as you’re
beating yourself up over your choices. Your strong desire
to see the best in others - such as your boyfriend - is,
in my guess, a very healthy desire, but what’s been
happening is that you’ve been pursing this while
overlooking the real impacts of the very dysfunctional
sides of him.
Shields, loving someone else - and more importantly
ourselves - means embracing honestly the ugliness we see,
as well as the beauty - and making choices based on the
WHOLE picture. Embracing the “ugliness”
doesn’t mean we let ourselves get walked over, or
accept unacceptable choices: to me, it means accepting
that such imperfections are a natural part of being
human, and refusing to make choices that allow those
imperfections to further harm us.
Your boyfriend is capable of love, but he is unable or
unwilling to see that his past crap makes it impossible
for him to be a safe place for you. When the ocean is
calm one moment, and stormy the next, setting out in our
sailboat is a very risky thing.
You both have a very hard struggle with anger. You
hold yours in, he lets his out. Mirror images. And a lot
of this anger is old buried stuff you both trigger in
each other, but it FEELS like the other has caused it.
My guess is that your staying in this relationship was
no accident, and didn’t happen because you screwed
up. In fact, I sense the opposite is true. His anger is
probably the best chance you have of getting in touch
with yours. And it sounds very much like that’s
what’s happening right now. You’re pissed as
hell, and you have a RIGHT to be. You have a real chance
to get to know your anger on an intimate basis like you
never have had before.
How does anger help you? When you let your inner voice
guide you, it clarifies things in ways that suddenly snap
things into crystal clearness. It can help register not
only on a logical level, but at a deep inner core level
in you, that your boyfriend cannot give you more love
than he gives himself. And he has had a lot of practice
at kicking himself - before your relationship, and in
your relationship. Your dance seems to be: when he draws
out his sword in panic whenever he “feels”
threatened, you whip out your mirror, and show him what
an ugly creature he is. THAT flips open a whole bunch of
trapdoors inside of him, and he lashes back by flipping
open as many old trapdoors inside of you, and doing
whatever he can to have you feel as much or more pain
than him.
That DOESN’T mean you are responsible in ANY way
for his abuse. No matter how the dance goes, HE is
responsible for his choices, and only him.
Your anger, when guided by your inner voice, also
gives you energy you need to deal with your struggle, and
to take consistent steps back from his. Without that
anger, we want to just crawl away and die - and THAT
feeling is dangerous for us.
I don’t know if you’ve ever done my baseball
bat thing, but I highly recommend it. Get a canvas or
cloth bag ( a bunch of garbage bags inside each other
will do too), fill it with bottles, and smash the living
daylights out the glass with a bat. Scream and curse at
the top of your voice, and let it ALL out. Do it in a
safe place, in seclusion. If you don’t know of a
place outside, check with a woman’s shelter or rape
crisis center, and ask them to help you find such a
place. They’ll understand how necessary letting
anger out is.
Whenever I do it, I let a torrent of rage out, then I
sob like a baby, then suddenly and mysteriously I want to
laugh and dance - and I do! Things become VERY clear when
I go thru this process. If you do it, do it WHENEVER the
urge hits In your safe place, that is). I used to carry
the bag, bottles and bat in the car so I’d be able
to do my anger thing at a moments notice. It helped me
tons.
Here’s what I see as loving solutions in your
situation. Whatever is BEST for you, is best for him. At
this point, turning your anger ON him in any way
ISN’T best for you, from my experience, unless it is
inner voice guided after a good anger (bottle bashing or
similar) session. I suspect that part of what is best for
you is getting away from the smoke and confusion of this
relationship, to give you time to regain some energy and
do some inner healing work. ANYTHING that continues to
tie you to him is going to drain away part of the
precious energy you need. Remaining in the apartment
might give you a temporary sense of strength and victory,
but the hidden cost will be it will also keep you more
struggle with him. If this strikes echoes inside you, you
may find the healthiest course for you is to shut down
the apartment - he has the ability to find his own
shelter, even if it means the Salvation Army for a few
nights. The apartment is yours, and so is the deposit.
It is VERY hard to tell the difference between being
“nice”, and “enabling”. My guess is
that your sense of self-worth is tied very much to how
“nice” you see your choices. That would make it
VERY hard to avoid enabling, where your choices give him
what he wants, at the sacrifice of what’s truly best
for you. Remember, when you lose, he actually loses too,
even though on the surface it appears he gains. Love is
always win/win; if someone loses, it’s something
disguised as love at work.
The more you’re able to “be” with your
anger, and pain, and not beat yourself up over it, the
more you’ll be able to allow him to have his,
without putting yourself in his dumping spot. He may call
you all sorts of nasty things., and pull every string he
can if you decide to close the apartment. If you can
recognize the truth in everything he says, his words will
lose part of their sting - maybe even much of their
sting. For example, if he says “you are
heartless”, there IS some truth in that, for all of
us. We all have made choices where we didn’t listen
to our heart. It’s only a SMALL part of the truth,
but it has some truth to it - certainly in my life it
does. When we are able to be okay with the
“worst” parts of us, and recognize that they
are only a part of us, and part of being imperfect and
human, then those who try to hurt us with words no longer
have such power to do so. I am stupid, ugly, heartless,
unloving, cruel, a bastard, and a monster. All of those
are true parts of me, but they do not describe ALL of me,
just a part. Part of being human.
And if someone wants to get pissed at me for something
I said, that’s their right and choice. If
they’re interested in truly resolving it, I’m
interested in talking. If they’re only interested in
dumping on me, I can quietly - but firmly - refuse to be
dumped on. Unless they handcuff me to the table, I have
the choice of removing myself from the situation, and
going to wherever is safer and better for me. I know I
shouldn’t HAVE to, but I also know that if I expect
them to do something (like leave), I’m keeping
myself in a swamp that isn’t good for me.
Do some journal writing Shields, and - even tho it
“seems” it won’t ease the panic or the
pain right now - take some time for quiet meditation, and
catch yourself whenever the self-kicking starts. Ask your
soul what it’s trying to tell you, what this current
experience is trying to teach you, and listen with an
open mind. Picture your Higher Power holding and rocking
you, and sharing your tears and pain. As painful and as
devastating as this part of your life seems to be, my
guess is that it is trying to bring you something very,
very important. Do whatever you need to give you some
time to heal and get in touch with those whispers. Focus
as much as you can on the here and now, and let tomorrow
bring what it will.
If you do resume your relationship with your boyfriend
at some time in the future, the more healed you are from
this stage, and the more honest you are able to be about
HIM and your own struggles with anger, the more chance
you’ll have of making choices that take both of you
in a new direction, instead of bringing you the kind of
heartaches you’ve struggled with for so long.
Finally, it may seem as if you’re
“stuck” in a repeating pattern with your
boyfriend. This is an illusion. Some swamps - such as my
struggle with depression - are bigger than others. It may
seem like we’re back in the same old place at times,
but big swamps can be very deceptive. Focus on what you
can do TODAY, and let the future come on its own, and the
end of this swamp will come when it’s time.
It’s all I can do in handling my own.
I better stop before I write a book here.:)
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