 When to let go - Unlucky in love
Well I thought I'd try this resource because lately
there is not too much else I am finding to help me. I am
married to my second husband for 6 years and I was
married to my first husband for ten years. I have three
children from my first marriage. My 1st marriage was hell
almost from the beginning with my husband going to jail
right after our wedding. I should have left then but I
didn't because I was pregnant and I really believed in
trying everything before giving up. I was the only one
who really tried for those ten years we were together and
when I finally left I was almost dead emotionally and
physically. I lost my children to him because of my
emotional unstableness at the time. My husband was very
emotionally abusive.
Anyways I immediately became involved with my second
husband. He was my knight in shining armor, I thought.
After we'd been together (living) for two years he left
me for awhile because he thought I needed time alone
since I had gone from one relationship to another. I
hated him for it, but later thanked him because it was
something I needed. We did end up back together and
finally got married two years ago. I feel he married me
because he felt obligated, though. Maybe he didn't want
to hurt me again after I had experienced so much hurt in
my life. Now he says he loves me a lot, so much, and on
and on and yet there are many times he is also
emotionally abusive with me, and he likes to play head
games with me. I know he had a really bad childhood and
I've always been attracted to men who were needy. I end
up making excuses for his behaviour and we make up and
try to get along and then out of nowhere, WHAM, along
comes another nasty name or attitude and it devastates
me.
The biggest problem for me to leave is I now have my
children living with me and they feel they have a stable
home for the first time, they adore their stepfather
(their real dad had nothing more to do with them), and
they do not want this marriage to end. In a lot of ways
it is a good relationship - he is a good provider and fun
to be with. I guess it's like that poem, when he's good,
he's very, very good but when he's bad he's horrid. I am
someone who will try everything and anything before I
give up but I don't know if I've done everything I can or
even if the problem is mostly with me and not with him at
all. Help I'm mixed up!
 From: Bernd
The problems, as I see it, are coming equally from the
rocks you are each still carrying from your pasts, rocks
which neither of you ever wanted, and have been
struggling to get rid of for so many years, with a
frustrating lack of success. Let me stress however that
neither of you are to “blame”; it’s my
belief that none of us are wise enough to judge and find
fault, and that includes judging ourselves.
What I use in my life is the word
“responsibility”, and I don’t mean that in
a “should” sense. I am responsible for my own
choices and actions, good and bad, and I recognize now
that bad choices hurt me more, and good choices heal me
more. I’m selfish; I want as much of the second kind
as I can.
You want happiness, and love, and kindness, and
safety, and you deserve all those. What you’re
finding is that in your desperation to try to find them
though, the rocks from the past often keep you stumbling
and crashing, skinning your knees again and again, and
smashing you into your partner - and vice versa. And it
isn’t unusual at all that your second partner turned
out to be emotionally abusive; I suspect that you both
have a lot more in common than you might realize at
times, and our subconscious usually leads us to
relationships with those who share our type of struggle;
the rocks might be different shapes, but they come from
very much the same kind of ground.
You can’t change your partner, except by example.
And that example works only when you don’t expect it
to do so. But you don’t need your partner to change
to increase your happiness, and the amount of love you
feel in your life. It would be very nice gravy if or when
it did happen, but the only things you have power over
are your own healing and choices.
The first place I would start is definitely the book
“Women Who Love Too Much” (you’ve probably
see me mention it in other postings). Also, you
can’t get those rocks off your back yourself. I sure
couldn’t, and I don’t know of anyone that can
heal themselves without the help of a loving healing
support network. (Just as a comparison, try to look at
your forehead without using a mirror. Impossible,
isn’t it, no matter how much effort you put into it?
A support group or network is like a “mirror” -
the others in it help us see parts of ourselves
we’re unable to on our own, and it’s in
discovering those hidden parts that we’re able to
really heal).
From: lainie
I also have had a rough time in my love life. My first
husband committed suicide in front of me. I tried my best
to stop him. I just couldn't get there fast enough. I
loved him with all of my heart and soul. He had many
affairs that led to his breakdown. I also had an affair
to get even but the guilt ate me up. Now I am remarried
to "a wonderful man that everyone loves, except
me." I have three children from my first marriage
and a little boy from my second. I love them more than
life itself. The only problem is that I am not happy. You
know in my soul. I know that happiness has to come from
within me, but I just want someone who is my dead husband
I guess.
From: Unlucky in love
Thanks Bernd for answering me. I was one of those
whose messages went into cyberspace and I was about to
give up on getting a reply. Now that I've read it I know
it was worth waiting for. You have made a lot of valid
points. These are things I think I know deep down inside
but it helps to have someone else without bias give their
opinion. I know happiness is a choice - I can choose to
be happy and that is what I'm working towards. I will try
to find a good support group but I live in a rural area
and there aren't many around. Could you possibly
recommend a good on-line group to me? I think you all are
doing a wonderful thing here and I wish you all the best.
From: Bernd
Thanks. I’m going to do a major update to the
Relationship Resources page in the future, so that more
of the kind of info you’re looking for will be easy
to find. For now, just spend some time going thru the
links on that page, and you should run across some online
email support groups. I know Al-anon has a few ( I
participated in one for several months), and there are a
number of others. Also, definitely check out the
newsgroups. You’ll find that as you start posting to
some, you’ll get a feel for which one(s) provide the
emotional and spiritual support you’re looking for.
If you want to post anonymously, I’d recommend
getting a free email account with Hotmail or Four11 under
an alias.
You’ll find you’ll make some very dear
friends after a while through these online groups.
|
