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 Hurting - Firefly
My husband and I have been married almost 8 years,
together almost 9. We had both been married before. This
all begins in 1995 (it's a long story, I'll try to keep
it short). After 6 years of trying to have a baby, we
finally conceived (Oct 95). My husband received notice
that he would be going to a school for 3 months (leaving
Jan 96). While he was gone I did the mommy thing (I have
two children from my previous marriage). I worked,
carpooled the kids to activities, kept house, etc., etc.
When my husband would call he was going out to eat with
the guys (the class was 98% male), going to the movies,
wandering in the mall. I admit I was feeling jealous
because it seemed as though he was on vacation and not
missing us like we were him. I was also angry because he
was missing out on my pregnancy.
While my husband was at this school he spoke with his
mom who "happened to mention" that an
ex-girlfriend of his had just gotten divorced. He decided
to call her to see if she was okay. This started a
long-distance telephone conversation regularity. My
husband was very angry at me because of how angry I was
that he was at this school. I admit I was wrong, but
maybe hormones played a big part in all this. Anyway, I
went to his graduation (friends watched the kids). While
I was in the hotel room he went downstairs to borrow an
iron for me; while he was gone he tried to telephone
her!!! My father-in-law was diagnosed with cancer and my
when my husband and departed, I came home and went to
visit his father for a week. While he was there he
continued to contact this female and even took her to
lunch. My husband returned home and his father passed
away 12 days after he came home. He went back to his
hometown for the funeral and needless to say, being 7
months pregnant and also financial considerations, my
husband felt that I should stay at home.
While he was gone he continued to call his
"friend" and again went to lunch with her!!!
When he returned home from the funeral we received our
latest telephone bill and I had noticed that a particular
number kept appearing on our telephone bill. When I
questioned him about the telephone numbers, he stated
that he had been calling the cancer center in his
hometown to talk about his dad's cancer and the fact that
it had progressed so quickly. Being a trusting wife I
believed him until the telephone numbers continued and
continued to appear. I finally called one of the numbers
on the bill and found out that it was to this woman's
work and the other telephone number was to her home. I
confronted my husband and at first he denied everything,
then he finally admitted that he had been telephoning
her. He said they were "just friends" and
nothing happened between them. I told him that he had to
call her and tell her that he would not be calling her
any more. He agreed, but first I called her privately and
asked her what was going on, her response was, "Why
don't you tell me?" It blew my mind. I went crazy.
To cut the story short here...my husband and I are
having terrible marriage problems. I love him dearly, but
I also hate him just as much sometimes. One thing I
absolutely despise is a liar. I don't trust him
anymore...I continuously check up on him and scrutinze
all telephone bills. I don't hesitate to eavesdrop on his
conversations (one-sided), and also continually check the
caller ID on our telephone. Help me!!! How do we put this
whole thing together again?? My husband and I also used
to have a very active sex life, now it's almost
non-existant. He tells me he's trying to like me again. I
don't understand. How could he not expect me to react in
the manner that I did? I'm confused, scared, and feeling
very insecure right now! Should I actually be naive
enough to believe that nothing happened between him and
this woman?? Any advice would be appreciated. Thank You.
 From: Bernd
The secrecy, dishonesty, and the twisting of the truth
is what I find is so destructive when an affair is
shaking an intimate relationship. To continue the affair,
the unfaithful partner puts their existing partner in the
awful position of having to trust the unfaithful one, or
trust their own inner gut instincts. So much is at stake
that it feels like you’re damned no matter what way
you go. Usually, we end up giving our partner the benefit
of the doubt, only to find out later - much to our horror
- that our gut instincts were right on, and we’ve
let ourselves get led down the garden path.
The present situation isn’t safe for you. The
foundations you thought were there in your marriage have
been smashed to bits, and - based on my own experience
dealing with Lynda’s affair - all the past pain has
flooded in on top of the current crap, and it probably
feels like you are drowning at times in a sea of
insanity. It’s quite likely his relationship with
the other woman has been sexual as well as emotional in
nature; but even it it hasn’t, it is still intimate,
and an affair.
Your husband’s choices are hurting himself, as
well as you. And as much as you might feel you have to
somehow become worthy of his love once again, this is a
distraction - if “love” is based on
“measuring up”, it isn’t love - it’s
something else.
Now, I’m going to say a few things that may or
may not help right now, but I feel are important to help
regain some sense of sanity. First, Lynda’s affair
was the worst thing - and best thing - that ever happened
to me. It forced me to realize that I was so dependent on
the “relationship” for a lot of my self-worth,
that I had placed a lot of my sanity and happiness in her
hands. My happiness and well-being are my responsibility,
and giving anyone else the key to them is unfair to them
and me.
When I hit bottom, when the ashes were all around me,
I resolved to begin a search for what love really was,
and how it really worked. I began a search to find ME. I
stayed in the marriage, and the affair continued, and I
had many many times when I wanted to end the marriage, to
get out of the hellhole. (Just to put things in
perspective, I had 3 one-night stands of my own before
all this, so I was no angel).
There’s a saying about “jumping out of the
frying pan into the fire”. In relationships, I
believe that if we run away from a relationship as a way
of handling our pain - no matter how much we hurt - that
pain never has a chance to teach us something very very
important. I used my therapist, relationship books, and
support groups as a way of dealing with my pain and
confusion. It took me 2 years before I was able to
finally see the difference between running, and walking
away. The ironic thing is that she had ended the affair
when I decided to walk away, to get some time to find out
where my inner voice was trying to guide me, without the
distractions of the “relationship”.
When I say “walk away”, I don’t mean
that I decided to end the marriage. What I was able to do
was make choices to spend some time on my own, as part of
my rebuilding my relationship with MYSELF. Instead of
agonizing over whether or not to end the marriage, I had
found that if I listened deep inside, my soul would help
me make the most loving choices for myself and Lynda,
without me having to wrack my brains. This was a major
change for me, and a huge leap of faith - but a leap of
faith that was helped by all the little steps I’d
taken in healing over those 2 years.
There were 2 phrases that seemed to help the most.
One, something my therapist kept reminding me to do, was
to “let her go”. It didn’t mean leave her;
it meant letting her make her own choices, without
needing her to make the choices “I” wanted her
to make. Letting go allowed her to begin discovering how
her affair was hurting her; suddenly, without me
distracting her so much, she began to see that the
prince’s castle had dirt floors. And she began to
see that genuine love can never be built on a foundation
of dishonesty.
The other phrase came from a tiny voice inside me,
that said - during the toughest times - “hang in
there, it’s worth it”. That voice seemed insane
at the time, but it came from the deepest and wisest part
of my soul, which could see things that my brain was
totally clueless about.
It has been worth it - very very worth it. My inner
voice isn’t your inner voice, but I firmly believe
yours will guide you as well as mine has guided me. To do
so however means developing a new relationship with it,
and yourself. It speaks in whispers, and we need to learn
to quiet the racket in our head (worry, anxiety, panic)
enough to be able to hear it, and receive its wisdom.
Let go of him; do whatever you can to rebuild a sense
of safety and serenity inside yourself, without relying
on him for it. Make whatever decisions you need to from
moment to moment, day by day, to give you as much of a
sense of inner safety and sanity as possible. Give
yourself permission to feel rage, to feel crazy, to hurt
deeply, and anything else you feel. It’s all NORMAL.
It will ease with time if you reach out for help; like a
burn patient, healing is slow and very painful at first,
but the body and soul do have very real healing powers
that work. Try to avoid making any big decisions - such
as divorce - until you are able to “walk”, not
run, from unhealthy pain.
One last thing. You are not on this road alone. Lynda
and I have been there, big time. We found our way through
the swamp, and the path didn’t have signs saying
“this road is for Lynda and Bernd only”. Big
hugggggs, and hope you find the answers inside your soul
already knows.
From: Caring
Do I know where you are coming from. My husband was in
the hospital for a long time after a wreck. His
ex-girlfriend was one of his nurses. When he got out of
the hospital, he went to his home town and ended up
spending the night at her house. He told me about this
and said that nothing happened. Then he went back in the
hospital. She called him and came to see him all of the
time. I finally put my foot down after her phone number
appeared on our telephone bill. I told him to make a
choice, me or his "friend". He chose me. Even
though he denies that anything happened between them, I
still have this gut feeling that something did. I do not
trust him anymore and I check the caller ID and listen in
on telephone conversations. I do not know if I will ever
trust him again. do you believe your husband when he says
nothing happened? Are we fools to believe them?
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