 Confused - Confused
I need some advice. I am 20 years old and I have been
in a serious relationship for over 4 years now. My
boyfriend and I were engaged for awhile, but then we
decided to break it off (this was 2 years ago). I felt
smothered and I that there was no need for an engagement
because we didn't plan on marrying until we finished
college. I needed time to be away from him and maybe date
other people, but there wasn't anyone I wanted to date.
After a week without talking to him, I couldn't stand it
anymore - I really missed him.
So we got back together and the relationship has been
strong ever since. Until now, that is. I have met someone
else that I really like. I haven't dated or even held
hands with him, but I have this incredible attraction to
him and I can't stop thinking about him. Now I am so
confused. I wonder if maybe the reason why I am attracted
to this guy is because I am bored with my current
relationship and the possibility of a new relationship is
exciting. I am not even sure if I still love my boyfriend
- I ask myself that question every day and I can't seem
to come up with an answer. I am wondering if I just need
to try harder. Maybe we should do something really
romantic to put the spark back in our love . . . I just
don't know. Should I tell my boyfriend how I feel? Should
I tell this new guy how I feel (I know he likes me)?
Should I just ignore my feelings and hope they sort
themselves out. I thought that my boyfriend and I were
going to be together forever - we have big plans for our
future. He is considered part of my family now and a
break-up would be soooo stressful for me. The possibility
of us breaking up is VERY scary because it would be such
a big change. What should I do? How do I figure out what
my real feelings are? Please help!
 From: Bernd
It's confusing, isn't it? Here are some of my personal
thoughts on your situation. These are neither right or
wrong, just my thoughts, ok?
First, committing to a serious relationship that
started when you were 16 is scary, and I think naturally
so. Teenagers have a ton of new feelings and experiences
to explore, and its very difficult to do so within one
relationship. I remember breaking off with my steady
girlfriend of 2 years when I was 18. It wasn't because
there was anything "wrong" with our
relationship, but I remember feeling as if I was tying
myself down, with only having explored just the tip of
the iceberg of who I was.
To me, relationships help us learn important things
about ourselves, emotionally and spiritually. A
relationship that is based on free choice, not
loneliness, or dread of what happens if we "break it
off", has a lot better chance of helping us find
happiness, than one in which we feel smothered.
Your feelings to me seem right on. They seem to be
leading you to explore, to reach out to new possible
loves and experiences. My guess is that if you and your
current boyfriend have enough genuine caring for each
other, and give each other the chances and freedom to
follow your hearts in whatever directions they take you,
that someday you may be surprised and find yourselves
best friends, lovers, or both - and both much surer and
wiser about what you want from a marriage, and want to
share with each other.
One of the toughest things our kids (teens now) keep
facing is how to listen to their hearts, trust them, and
let themselves make mistakes. It's the only way we gain
experience, and grow. As long as we make our choices the
best we can, and take the time to be easy on ourselves,
learn from others, and learn to listen to our hearts,
things have a way of working out fine.
My only suggestion is don't try to make decisions like
this on your own. Find trustworthy people to talk to. In
talking, often our souls have a way of getting in a few
words edgewise, and giving us some real insight that
helps us find the directions we truly need to go. The
most difficult person to love is usually ourselves. Take
the time to find out what choices help you be happy. Then
you have something truly magical to share with whoever
you have a relationship, or relationships with. Trust
yourself. And listen to that soft little voice inside
every day. Good luck.
From: Sunflower
Dear Confused, I know how your feeling I'm kind of
going through the same thing that you are. I'm only 17
and I've been going out with this guy for almost nine
months, who I love with all my heart. But like you
another guy appeared in my life who I just adore. I'm
just as confused as you are. I try to think of a way to
solve this but all I come to is follow my heart. So my
advise to you would be to follow your heart. Think of all
the good times you two had together. And then think will
I have the same things with this other guy. Will he be
there for you? Don't make a move until you are really
sure you want it. I wish you luck in whatever you do.
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