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 Broken Heart - WineGirl
My boyfriend of 1.5 yrs broke up with me about 2
months ago and it was worse than going thru my divorce
which was a 12 yr marriage 3 years earlier. I feel sick
and depressed and I can't imagine falling in love again.
I know time heals all wounds, but why is this affecting
me more than my divorce? How could a man change his mind
almost over night about our relationship. We were
considering moving in together after the first of the
year, then about a week after we talked about it, I think
the commitment thing scared him and he broke up with me
right before the holidays. He was married 17 yrs, has 4
teenage children, and is 39 going on 40 in April/ I'm 36,
a mother one 1 (who is 10) and a marketing manager and a
successful business woman. I'm still in love with him and
I'm really miserable.
 From: Bernd
Hugs, and hang in there. A few thoughts. I suspect
that there is a lot of difference between the
"end" of this relationship, and your divorce.
You likely had a few years to do the "letting
go" process in your marriage, and it's likely you
saw the end coming, and were able to prepare for it, and
let go in stages. The sudden change in your new
relationship likely hit out of the blue. You are in
shock, and depression is one of the ways that the body
slows down the system to give you time to regain your
bearings. I suspect your head is probably going around in
circles, trying to figure out what you could have done
different so that he wouldn't have suddenly turned on the
"flight light", and I'd guess blaming yourself
would creep in there too. It makes a person feel damn
unlovable when someone we love suddenly throws up a wall.
How could a man change his mind overnight? I suspect
that he'd been battling inside with his own conflicting
needs for closeness, and independence, and hid that
struggle the best he could, hoping that somehow a magical
solution would appear. Based on my own experiences, one
of the biggies that many guys are scared to death of is
screwing up all over again. I'd guess that there are
things in your relationship that trigger memories of his
marriage, and the less he has dealt with that old
baggage, the more those triggers add to his inner
turmoil. YOU are not the problem, nor the reason for
whatever choices he's made, or is making. In my opinion,
if it wasn't you going thru this, it would be someone
else.
On the other side of the coin, my guess is that your
hurt and pain really brings to the surface some deep
loneliness and old pain from your marriage, and before
(incl. lost dreams and hopes). Your new partner can't
take care of that for you; he can only support your
healing the best he can, while he struggles with his own
pain from his past (which I suspect he has learned to
hide well, with that guy thing of a "stiff upper
lip"). There are a few things that helped me get
thru the toughest times in my wife's and my on-again,
off-again roller coaster period. One: what happens today,
is only for today. I have no crystal ball, and I have no
way of knowing how close or how far apart we'll be in our
relationship tomorrow, or anytime in the future. If I
remember that, it helps me throw out the thoughts that
"it's over. forever". Two: I am worthy of love,
and I deserve to give myself reinforcement of that,
without relying on my wife, by getting it from friends,
my therapist, support groups, and quiet time where I
write my thoughts or treat myself well. Three: I am
responsible for my happiness. The happier I am with
myself, the more I bring to my marriage, and the easier
it becomes to give my partner whatever space she needs at
times, to sort out her own feelings. Pain is the teacher
of last resort.
The more you reach out to trustworthy people and
sources to help you deal with what you're going thru, the
more likely you are to discover some nice, magical things
about the real person inside you. And the more likely it
is that you'll find out why this caught you so
unexpectedly, and why it hurts so much right now. For me.
the act of searching for answers did a lot to help me
deal with my pain. And I HAVE found many of the answers I
was looking for. Hope some of this helps. Take care, and
good luck, and more hugs.
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