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 In Love With A Sex Addict - Shy
Im glad I found this site. My boyfriend is a sex
addict. He is addicted to porn/videos/mags/phone
sex.....We of course have been through rough times and he
is now decided he cant do it on his own he needs
counselling --his 2nd appt is mon(tomorrow). He is also
attending meetings. I love him enough to stay with him
through this...he is worth it to me but I am also scared.
He has lied and hidden things so much in the past Im
scared to trust it will not happen again. We are both 30
yrs old and I want a family and future with this man but
realize he must work through this first....How did your
wife handle it? How can you not take it personally(her)
even though I know its not against me. Im trying to
understand but he also tells me he cannot masturbate and
do the above things on his own but...can if we are
together doing it.?? Is this right..or should he stay
away from all that. I do not know enough about this
addiction to know the boundaries or warning signs.
Hopefully this site and the other sites related to
recovery will help me to understand....appreciate any
advice or info...thx .
 From: Bernd
Thanks for your posting. I would highly, highly
recommend that you look into a 12 step group for partners
of sexual addicts, if you can find one in your area. If
not, try Al-anon (for partners of addicts), and replace
the word "alcohol" with "sex
addiction".
A few comments about my personal experience with my
own relationship and sexual addictions/struggles. It's my
belief that many men who struggle with sex addiction had
childhoods with shame and control tied to their
sexuality. It is a very sneaky type of sexual abuse.
Inside, the message I learned as a child was that I damn
well better keep my sexual feelings on a tight leash, or
else I'd be letting down my parents big time. This in an
atmosphere where my dad was having regular affairs, and
my mom was seething inside with anger and hurt over them.
When I got married, it was like I wanted to make up for
all that lost time. But damnit, if I let myself get close
emotionally to my wife, the old childhood struggle of
shame/control/shit came flooding back. So I blocked those
feelings best I could, but that also meant my sexual
feelings got blocked too along with it. It was no-win.
Masturbation and fantasy were the only way I could have
sexual feelings, and feel at least SOME inner safety. I
was and is MY struggle, and this is something right now
I'm tackling in therapy (I'm in my 5th year of therapy).
Yes, my wife has taken my sexual problems personally
during most of our marriage. But that - in my judgement -
is something most girls learn well unfortunately: the
myth that their partner's sexual happiness is a
reflection of how good they (the woman) is. And vice
versa in different ways.
The lying: dishonesty is a natural part of any
addiction. It's part of the disease, just like sneezing
is part of having a cold. Accept that your partner is
going to be dishonest around many aspects of his
addiction. He'll be honest in other things, but lying is
the first line of defense in dealing with inner shame. It
may help to keep in mind that all of us have different
combinations of honesty and dishonesty, and that lying is
more of a symptom of addiction, than it is something
which the addict does because he doesn't "love you
enough". In our case, what has helped us is trusting
that whatever feels right inside is ok sexually, as long
as we respect each others feelings, our own feelings, and
don't impose our will or choices on anyone else. My guess
is that the real issue in sex addiction is safety. The
safer I feel inside feeling my sexuality and expressing
it, the safer I feel with my wife, the more this part of
me heals. I need to give it whatever time it needs. Good
luck, and keep searching. That's the only way I know to
keep finding answers.
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